Hello everyone, I have always dealt with depression but I have seen that I am mostly triggered by a partner. When they do not agree with me, or fall short of my expectations I get very angry. I lash out, I pursue arguments. If my partner does not engage I have had panic attacks, I feel desperate and worthless. I seem to need the conflict and when I don’t have it I feel ignored and go deeper into depression. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I feel manic during these episodes.
Thanks
Maybe you need help with professional on communication and acceptance that partner has a right to their feelings thoughts mean as much to them as to you. In relationships dating we don’t always agree or meet right person but have good qualities. It’s not all or nothing which sounds like what you’re asking them to be. It’s great to have a partner with own thoughts self assured and flexible. They will want you to be that too. Try to learn to be softer to yourself and secure in your skin and chill out and enjoy. No one wants to be bulldozed not even you. Just thoughts
I completely agree, when things don’t go as I would like them I feel rejected, unloved and worthless which brings on desperation and am overwhelming helpless feeling that I can’t control
I’ve gone through a lot of health issues loss and unknown health things a few times loss of control. It’s a thing to work on you might be tired from your cycle of this life you’ve been leading. We have to attach to ourselves at all times and chill about our other attachments live in our lives let people in and let them leave or stay. Thank you. I understand
Are there any tips, ways you were able to accomplish this? I want to break this cycle. I am left feeling so depressed and pushing others away
I realize judgement by others should not sink in if not given fairly is something I have to separate myself from. I read a lot of Buddhist quotes about way I’m feeling. I’m not Buddhist. I write mantras to myself that involve tools I can use. Such as today I deserve to feel happiness I will find happiness in the smallest things they are enough I am enough. I deserve kindness just as anybody else who lives kindly. I can take a deep breathe and just breathe whenever I want to like right now. What is in others peoples heads belongs to them just as my thoughts belong to me. I will focus on gratefulness to myself and others if I receive it. It’s enough I’m enough I deserve great love I can love myself and do things I like today too. I know what they are. I can let go I can chill out about everything because that’s a good life.
When taxed I watch aquarium music on YouTube I do it every day down time relaxing. If I’m stressed about being left I name a few people who are always in my life. Stability is key. So we start and build from there
Thank you! I appreciate you sharing. I will definitely try and start with positive, happy thoughts. Maybe reading it writing something positive every morning and breathing techniques
Ya you have to do it multiple times a day to change your brain embrace it as your number one priority over other things. Otherwise you forget get lazy and it doesn’t work. And you will fail but you must continue and say you’re okay I’m learning. I also work in behaviour management prior to my ptsd back to back. There is zero room for strife zero where you can control that other things we have to go with flow. Best luck gratitude journal before bed a couple things your grateful for even if it’s your pillow and one good thing you did today even if it’s for the radio in your car lol
For me it was the same. In therapy I found that you can’t control your environment, but you can get control of your thoughts. When you blame a partner or anyone, you’ve depending on environmental factors to be content. In that case, anything outside of you is in control.
Could you share some tips on how you’ve been able to stop those feelings from escalated and applied some self-control?
Could there be some narcissism?
Sorry to be blunt - but if the relationship is not about you then you dont want it?
I appreciate your bluntness, I think I can be selfish and narcissistic because I get so consumed with needing validation and my feelings of rejection consume me. Any small disagreement will trigger me. I just don’t know how to control it. Once I blow up I can acknowledge how wrong I am but it’s too late
If you know what your triggers are then practice what you will say/do/retaliate in each situation. With practice, some of these better outcomes will become second nature?
Do you have a therapist? Are you on meds? I'd look into a therapist that's skilled in interpersonal relationships. Beyond being in relationships as a trigger, have you noticed any other triggers or patterns.. This seems like a complex issue and worth exploring..
No, where I’m living, no therapists speak English. I’m trying ssri, no alcohol, GABA at night for a week, (but that’s another benzodiazepines issue)
And lots of exercise & Water everyday to wear myself out to sleep better. Just started 3 days ago and already feel better.
Wow.. I didn't look at your profile to see where you live.. No English speaking therapy? Geeze.. Benzos can counteract SSRI's as can a lost of other meds, over the counter etc. Maybe the m and the GABA are interferring with your SSRI med.. Be careful about over hydration which and "flush" meds of any kind and or dilute them.Take care and stay in touch if you'd like..
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Thank you. Yes I’ve lived and do now in places with no Rx for drugs and no detox drs.
But I know enough to know when I need help
I have called 16 psychologist in the past 2 weeks and none are accepting new patients. I am waiting on one to return my call. No meds at the moment. I’ve been on Zoloft and I don’t like the drowsiness. I’ve only noticed it in relationships. When I was younger it was with friendships. And now as an adult with romantic relationships
Yes, please look at dr. Joe dispenza on you tube. He explains it very well.👍
He has been a big help to me as well!
How about Clinical Social Workers or Nurse Practitioners with a Psych background? I tried Zoloft once, can't remember what it did or didn't do for me.. Relationships are complex.. and what you've described seems to have layers..
If you could identify each layer and see how it impacts the others you may be able to start work on them.. You also have to look at what you want in a relationship and see what's realistic and doable and be honest with yourself , brutally honest..
I will be meeting with my PCP Friday and hopefully try and get an appointment. I know I need to see a professional and I appreciate all the input. It helps to talk to others, thank you
No worries. Isn't that a part of why any of us came to this website?
It is good that you self-aware enough to be able to make these statements and to dig deeper into understanding and emotional health. Based on your comments, it seems that there is something in the conflict that is validating for you. Discovering what that is would be beneficial. Is your intention to ask PCP for referral to counselor?
Yes, I am hoping I can see a counselor. I have been trying to figure myself out in the meantime but the more I dig, the more issues I find and it’s actually making me feel more depressed and anxious trying to “fix” myself. I hope a professional can really help. I have seen a few over the last decade but never found a “solution”
Well it would be nice if we could figure out and fix ourselves LOL. I think we all pretty much come to the same realization that our issues are layers upon layers so definitely don't feel depressed or anxious as if you are the only one experiencing this! Any new insight that you gain with the help of the counselor will be progress in the right direction. Maybe instead of thinking about it in terms of finding a "solution", you can think of it as growing in emotional health. I find I am more patient with myself when I remember that growth happens over time. Make sense?
Yes totally makes sense. I am able to rationalize and understand it’s a process and I’m not alone in this struggle but when I get caught in a dark spiral facts and logic goes out the window. Being on here has been a tremendous help, just seeing how others are dealing with it and being objective
well at least being objective when we are able to LOL. Having a couple of people that I trust to bring objectivity to me when needed has been so helpful! Is there someone who is a consistent presence in your life who can be there for you to remind you of the facts when you are not able to remember them for yourself?
Hi kvolm2016, my sister and I are very close and she is always someone I can reach out to for help and an objective opinion, however when she is not available I feel lost. I don’t want to depend on just her. Maybe I can start thinking of what she would say in the situation before I allow the negativity to consume me. Thanks for the idea 👍🏼
Glad to hear about your sister relationship! I have 2 sisters and I am particularly close with one of them. We have been there for each other through lots of things in life! I like the idea of thinking about what your sister would say as a point of focus when you need it. Hope that will be a good tool for you!
It’s good to have someone who knows you and tries to understand. We are lucky to have them ❤️
I’m familiar with these feelings. In my early 20’s it was like a way of life. I know how awful it feels when you don’t receive the response you long for. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I will pull my advice from my own experience: Be alone for a little while. It sounds like there is a void that is not being filled in these relationships, which is why you may be seeking some kind of response from them (your partner) to fill that? Do you feel anxious? Are the arguments over behaviors you’ve had bad experiences with in past relationships?
You might be right DK321, I may be trying to fill a void and when my partner doesn’t fill this void I get anxious because I may be feeling something is missing. I know he loves me but I just expect things to go how I want them, otherwise I feel like I’m drowning and I need to get control. Thanks for your input
You’re very welcome, reach out any time🙂
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