Very depressed and trying to stop my downward spiral. Most feel I have a lot going for me and probably think I am not trying to get well

[DiegoT]

I'm almost 50 and have been living with my estranged wife for almost 2 years since she filed for divorce. We have two great kids who are both approaching college. I have a good job, but I am now in fear of losing it because of my depression. I was very angry and upset initially upon her filing. I constantly vented to family, friends and anyone who would listen about my situation. They were all very supportive and sympathetic. I started dating a little about 1 year after she filed, but stopped after my wife found out and confronted me on a date. We have since started trying to reconcile on and off for 8 months now. I have become filled with anxiety, depression during this period. Is this a sign, we shouldn't be together? I wake up 2-3 hours after falling asleep and then toss and turn for hours. I am paralyzed by indecision and my mind seems to have lost its ability to concentrate on much of anything. I have no motivation to start anything or make real changes to my life. My 'Wife' has been trying to be supportive, but is losing patience with my depression and my constant badgering about where are relationship is going and if she really loves me. Neither one of us seem totally committed to restoring our marriage. We're both just kind of going through the motions. I'm not sure if I love her anymore or not, and wonder why my depression has become worst since we began trying to get back together. But now I'm afraid to leave her because she is someone to hug. I have been hiding my depression from co-workers and most friends for months and am beginning to become socially withdrawn. I feel like it is only a matter of time before people realize there is something wrong with me. I am in counseling, but my job does not allow for medication. I have been taking SAMe for almost a month, but it does not seem to be helping much. There are many more details that I don't have space for now. Any suggestions to keep me from spiraling down any further. It is starting to become a struggle to get to work. I have thought about a leave of absence, but think that may make me feel worse. I have an unusual job with a great deal of down time, but it is something I'm proud of. If anyone has any insight or suggestions I would be appreciative.

[Agora1]

Hi DiegoT, I think you know that other than a financial decision to live together, it is not giving both of you the space you need to recover from the divorce as well as finding out who you really are right now. Things have changed and living together doesn't allow you the opportunity to reach out to others for fear of your "ex" becoming involved in your affairs. Having someone to "hug" is not a good trade off in having anxiety and depression. You say you were angry and upset initially upon her filing for divorce but was that ever dealt with or just pushed down. Our life issues need to be address or they will surface and cause all kind of mental problems. She wanted her freedom but seems to be afraid to make a complete break from you.

I don't think either of you know where "love" between you stands right now. Right now, you need to love yourself to the point of getting therapy and moving on. If it's meant to be then one day you may get back together. Usually once that close bond and trust is broken, it's best to find you own way in life. I can't imagine how difficult it's been in the last 2 years but your body is now reacting to it. I'm glad you found this forum. Use it for the support and understanding you need right now.

As for a hug, we're all good at giving hugs to each other Sending you a virtual "hug" DiegoT x

[newhope]

Diego - I am sorry you are struggling. From what I’m hearing, it sounds like you need some time to heal. And in order to do this, you have to cut whatever it is that is causing you pain and not let that fear eat at you. If your wife is part of the cause of your depression, then the best thing to do would be to give each other some time apart so you can work on yourself and know what you really need in your life. What I do sometimes when I am feeling lost is try to rekindle my love for things I used to enjoy doing; such as: playing piano, writing poetry, taking a walk in the sun. You just need to be reminded of why you wake up every morning. There can be more than one reason but constantly worrying about a relationship that is tearing you apart, it will only continue to stay in a stalemate. Maybe going out with some friends and just getting your mind off of what is bothering you. Just immersing yourself in positivity - maybe that is what you need! Keep us updated. Love is hard but it is only worth it if you can see clearly that “this is the person I want by my side for the rest of my life.” You have to think - is all this worry and all this pain worth it to be with her? Stay strong. ❤️