Drowning in sadness.

[_degrey]

Hello, all. I am new here.

I think I just need to get this off my chest because it has gotten to a point in my life where I feel like I don't have anyone. I am trying to help myself in any way I can, but I have secluded myself so much that I fear I have backed myself into a corner with no one to turn to anymore. I don't think I have purposely pushed people away, but in the end, I find that I am alone. I am married to a narcissist who does not really understand the complexity of my emotions which does not help my depression or anxiety in any way. I do not regret this for I have never loved so deeply in my life, but it has become increasingly painful the more unpleasant I become.

I am told I have issues. Just the other day it was said that I can't even cry alone for a moment (it feels nice to cry sometimes, like a release of pressure) because there is no telling what I will do, meaning the possibility of suicide. I will not deny that, at one point, I had attempted this, albeit that was years ago, and I have made no attempts since then. Sure, I find myself contemplating the various scenarios associated with such actions, but I can not bring myself to act on these thoughts. I am selfish. I want to live, but I find it increasingly hard to not find a sort of solace in the idea of dying. It is rather spiteful, actually, for myself and others, to imagine, if this were the course of events, just who may come out on the other side showing that they care. I feel I have no one. I am alone. This thought is unbearably painful and I am drowning in a waterfall of emotions all of the time because of it.

It is breaking my marriage. My seclusion and social anxieties have only gathered more strength in the weight they place on my shoulders from living in a foreign country. My depression has become so great that I sleep more often than not, I am always so tired, and I just don't find joy in anything that I do. The strain this has put on my marriage has also found its way into my health. I have struggled my entire life with a viciously low self-esteem, but with recent weight gain, I feel I have become more unpleasant and disgusting. This only shows further with the lack of intimacy I have experienced in recent months. I look at myself in the mirror and I am unsure who I am looking at anymore. I have grown accustomed to hiding my body because of how ashamed I feel. I WANT to change this, I want to go back to where I was a year ago, but I lack the motivation and the confidence needed to do so.

"You are fat. You are slow. You are disgusting." A phrase continuously coursing through the dark depths of my mind said in a moment of anger but pathetic truth from someone who, I feel, should love me no matter what. This is not the case. Regardless of how it came to be said, it has found its way into the light of public recognition, and I ask myself just how it got to this point.

I ask myself, I ask God, I ask whoever happens to be listening, what did I do to deserve this? Why am I being forced to feel like this? Why can I not find a moment of clarity or even a semblance of happiness in my seemingly pathetic life? What does it take to please someone else? Why am I never good enough? Why does everyone end up leaving me in the end? Why am I so alone? Where did I go wrong?

I don't have the answers to these questions and I fear I never will. I have become numb to the pain, for now. At this moment, I have to find someone who knows what this is like. Who has been there and can feel the very depth of darkness I have fallen into. I have not even grazed the surface, and for that, I apologize. I find it hard enough to do this, but I want to save my marriage. I want to not be alone anymore. I want to change everything.

I want to save myself.

[Dubba61]

Hello, i,m no expert but i do no what it feels like to be so desperate. You shouldn't call yourself. "fat or slow or discusting.". I'm sure you wouldn't call a friend that. So try to be a good friend to yourself and say only kind things. It would be a start and a small positive thing. Your weight gain is likely to be a symptom of the illness. It was like that for me. I went from very underweight to very overweight and for years, swung between the two. Your Husband should be supportive, but the Men in our lives don't always understand our complexities. I think so many women have a lack of Self-esteem. It's how society makes us feel. With lower paid jobs and the need to feel ' attractive'. Maybe you could go to a "womens Self-esteem class'. I no they have then in some places. For myself I found my way out of that "hole" in tiny steps. I still get bad days and Nights where i cant Sleep but less and less often. It might help to visit your Doc as Meds can help a great deal at these worst times. Also, could you read, bake, paint something, write something, go on a long walk? Any project that would take your mind away from your problems for a while. It's difficult i know and hard to concentrate. So easy to be overcome by how you feel. I,m thinking if you and wish you well. D.

[_degrey in reply to Dubba61]

Thank you for your advice, D. I have found myself in a dangerous cycle of self-loathing and a dark hatred that only continues to be fueled by all of my negative thoughts. Some days are worse than others, just as you say, and I feel today was my rock bottom. I won't say I am holding on by a thread just yet, I have no doubt I am stronger than this, but if I don't find something to hold on to a little tighter, I could very well be headed that way.

I like to write when things get bad, and I have recently taken up cooking. So much so that my entire fridge is filled with various things and I am running out of room. This may also be contributing to my weight gain because eating has become a crutch for me when I am sad. I know there is a light here, but it has not yet begun to shine in my direction.

I may have to take you up on the idea of a long walk. It would not hurt to distance myself from the confines of this house and may help me to clear my head. As for professional help, I have not made any attempts thus far. I am scared, really, and my social anxiety has kept me from doing so.

[Hidden]

It is good that you want to save yourself, You are worth it! I'm very saddened by your story, know what it's like to be there. I'm here for you! I wish you peace & happiness! XXX Oh are you seeking any help?

[_degrey in reply to Hidden]

Only a few others have said those words to me. "You are worth it." It is heartbreaking as well as encouraging, and for that, I thank you. I think it is what I need to hear the most right now because I have not been feeling that way lately.

I have not reached out for help until now. I guess this is my small step in that direction. I have struggled with this for years, but have never found the courage to really do anything about it. It has become increasingly difficult to deal with it on my own now, especially considering my circumstances as of late, so it is probably something to really contemplate.

Is it best to just jump in? I am truly anxious about how to go about things from here.

[Hidden]

Don't jump LEAP! It's the best thing for you to do! I did it , didn't want to but sometimes you need the help, you deserve that! I may not know you but to me you a PRECIOUS! XXX

[_degrey in reply to Hidden]

You are so kind and I am so grateful for your responses.

I find the idea of leaping very appealing, but I am just not sure I have the courage for it. Where do I even start? Honestly, just thinking about it is scary.

[Hidden]

You just do it with faith in yourself! I know how scary it is, however once you do it you'll see it wasn't as bad as what you thought! Wishing you nothing but the best! XXX Yes YOU do have the courage!!!!!!!!!!!

[_degrey in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for all of your encouragement. I will look into some options, at the very least, for now, and then just go from there. I have always been told this is the hardest part of recovering, but I need something like this to keep me going.

I will take your positive energy and channel that xoxo

[Hidden in reply to _degrey]

You can have all my energy to do this!!!!!!! XXX

[Dubba61]

Very pleased to hear you are sounding more positive. Turn that thread you are holding on to into a Strong golden ladder and climb up it!😊 Sometimes in life there is only us, to love us, and we women have to learn to love ourselves, better. And not be our own enemy's. I live alone and i Sometimes feel lonely. Mostly though i do o.k. i no longer expect to much of myself. Good enough, is enough. I do wish you well

🌺🌻🌼

[_degrey in reply to Dubba61]

You could not be more right. I find that I have struggled with loving myself for so long, and what better time to start than the present? It is funny to think that just a day ago I felt completely helpless, but this has helped so much. It is so good to know that I am not the only one who has ever felt this way.

I have always been my own worst enemy, but I am also the person who can be my greatest ally. Oh, the irony.

Thank you for the well-wishes. I will continue to try :')

[Dubba61 in reply to _degrey]

Hi, yes, it is ironic. But we Women aren't taught to care for ourselves only for others. We are Daughters, Wives, Mother's, Sisters, etc. Defined by our relationships to others. And unlike Men, never just us.. No wonder then, that we think we're not worth it! Took me a long time to work this out... Today is a lot warmer and a little Sunny. My Oven needs cleaning. My house needs Vacuuming, I've some Painting to do. But, im leaving all of that and going for a long walk along the Seafront. 😊😉 Nice your so much better. Dee

[erin_c]

Welcome. You are not alone. God bless you and sending love, hope.

[_degrey in reply to erin_c]

I have felt that way for so long, so it is very encouraging to see otherwise. Thank you for such warm thoughts as they mean the world in these trying times of mine.

xoxo