relationship sadness

[frailstateofmind44]

Hi everyone. This is a pretty vulnerable thing for me to share so please be kind. I’m looking for support, encouragement, advice etc. on how to handle negative feelings caused by another person. I’m specifically wondering how I can stop letting someone else’s behavior affect me so deeply and stop ruminating over something that’s out of my control.

Basically, I started a new relationship a few months ago with someone who doesn’t make any effort to make me feel valued or appreciated. I know it sounds ridiculous because I’m fully aware I shouldn’t tolerate this kind of treatment but my depression, anxiety, and self esteem are all so bad it’s really difficult for me to just remove myself from the situation without the closure of knowing why I’m seemingly not a good enough match for them. For some reason I still genuinely like and care for this person so much despite the way they make me feel and I’m really struggling with detaching myself because I just want things to work out so badly. I know this is just how life is sometimes but I feel so tired of having so much love to give to someone and not getting anything in return except heartbreak and disappointment. I want to be ok with accepting the fact that I’m obviously not right for this person or accepting that they’re not right for me but all I can think about is how much this hurts. Idk. I haven’t been able to stop obsessing over all of this and it’s to the point where it’s interfering with my focus at work. It’s just been such a crappy day and I’m hoping putting this post out there might help me feel less upset. Thanks so much to anyone who took the time to read

[Elizabeth830]

I have many days where I literally could have written your post. My heart goes out to you. I have spent too much time ruminating about why I am not good enough, why my ex husband threw me away after 34 years etc. When I met my ex husband I transferred my attachment from my mother to my husband. Apparently it's uncomfortable for me to not be anxiously attached to someone. Right now I don't think I am attached to anyone...I am actively looking, but haven't found a "victim". LOL

What works for me is journaling. Write a do not send letter to the person you need to detach from. Yell at them in the letter. What else works for me is going for a walk. It has to be either a long walk (three miles or more) or a short, really fast walk, where you sweat.

People always say that you have to take care of yourself, blah, blah, blah...easier said than done. But I have ordered take-out from a new restaurant, or gone to a different grocery store. Sometimes just running into someone that smiles at you is enough to give you hope that there is someone out there that is a good fit for you.

With me a terrible relationship is what I am used to and willing to tolerate to an extent, which sounds horrible as I type it. But the loneliness is ofter too much to cope with. My worst days are the weekend, especially Sunday afternoons and evenings. I have a VERY GOOD friend that I met on this website that has spent many a Sundays making sure I am ok.

If you noticed, as you were posting your message, I was posting one about a guy that was too attentive and that is scary too. It seems there are a lot of extremes out there.

[Nothing_but_books]

I'm pretty sure I'll get h*ll for saying this, but I think s*x is a different thing for men and women. Men -- hey guys, forgive me if I'm wrong -- often seem to be willing to "do it" with available women. (Ever watch any nature films?)

Then the trouble starts. Women think it means they care about you. Men like getting "some" and don't like looking like a heel, so they pretend it's more than it is. Recriminations ensue.

If you're not feeling valued or appreciated, it's because you're neither.

Decide for yourself if there are better reasons to stay or go. It's no one's decision but yours.

[Elizabeth830 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

I read an article recently that pretty much said what you wrote. Most men look for sex and move on, most women look for intimacy and closeness, and when they don’t get it are disappointed.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Elizabeth830]

Someone really ought to publish a Guy to Gal dictionary.

I bet there'd be a lot of "No! He can't mean that!" 😱

[TangledUpIn]

I totally understand frailstate - I feel like I've been obsessing over my ex for 11 years now! 11 years! I was getting no where in overcoming this with talk therapy - in fact I feel it hindered me from moving forward. A friend suggested I try EMDR therapy which can help greatly when obsessing over something/some one. I am starting next month 🤞I like Elizabeth830's suggestions too 🙂

[Elizabeth830 in reply to TangledUpIn]

It was suggested to me that I try EMDR for post traumatic stress if TMS doesn’t help. You will have to let us know how it works out.

[TangledUpIn]

I will let you know about my experience with EMDR 🙂