It’s Never Enough

[PinkLight]

I recently accomplished a lot of goals, but I still feel empty. I recently started back working after a while and I’m terrified that I won’t be able to do this for long. I spend most of my time alone and it gets to me sometimes, but whenever I have a chance to connect with others I don’t want to go. I’m usually the one helping others and I have yet to find anyone that’s not a professional who can reciprocate the care I give. I feel like I have to always be on point because if I fall apart or have a weak moment I will be punished and held to a much higher standard than others. Then I feel like I’m complaining too much so I feel shame for feeling the way I feel because deep down I also believe that I am “better than that.” I’ve been learning and practicing being empathetic with myself and I’m getting better. I just wish I could have people around me who didn’t need me to be perfect. I want to be able to work through my mental health challenges in a safe environment instead of always ending up doing it along with a professional. I have so many good tangible things in my life, but I can’t seem to get the connection with people that I deeply desire. I want to meet people but I’m struggling because another part of me doesn’t want anyone around me. And I’m terrified that I’ll mess it up and end up right back where I started. Alone.

[politeplants]

Hi PinkLight, I don’t know how to help you. But i completely understand how you feel. Being around people is exhausting but i don’t like being alone either. Recently Ive been making a lot of online friends through friend making apps. most conversations are less than a day before one stops talking. For me that helps because i have a constant stream of people to talk to but it’s rather noncommittal. i have found 2 people i’ve stayed in contact with and enjoy their company. maybe that’s something you could try?

I’m sorry i’m not much help, but i saw your post with no replies and thought you deserved one for reaching out

i wish you luck

[PinkLight in reply to politeplants]

Hi, PolitePlants… thank you so much for reading and replying to my post. I joined this group on a whim after recognizing the state I’m currently in. Using apps to connect with friends can be helpful to me. I’m gonna have to give it a try. Thanks again.

[CL3V3R-G1RL]

That is definitely depression and perfectionism. Usually perfectionists come from a place of trauma. Perhaps childhood you were made to be the "responsible one" and once that title got put on you. You couldn't shake it off. Since it seems you carried that title well, people began to think you can carry it all on your own. You yourself think maybe I am the only one that can do it? Because if I let someone else take control it'll get messed up and it'll be my fault.

I understand of wanting to connect with people but then don't. It's difficult. I'm like that. I think I'm part cat at times. I want affection and when you try to pet me I hiss 😂

I'm perfectionist. I have to realize that I am more than enough. So are you ❤️🫂

[hypercat54 in reply to CL3V3R-G1RL]

Great reply. You really are a clever girl.

[CL3V3R-G1RL in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you hypercat54 ❤️

[LifeIsThePitts in reply to CL3V3R-G1RL]

So very WELL said, my friend! Looking into our past is like opening a window that's been sealed and blackened out. Our vision is blocked and we're blind to our own needs.

Once we can see the origins of our disorders, we can figure out how to address them. Until then, the disorders get to run the show for us. We're going to remain at their mercy until we learn about ourselves.

I too am exactly like your cat analogy. I JUST said to my hubby today...I long for more social interaction but then I get out in public and realize I can't tolerate people and want nothing more than to go home. It's such a precarious ⚖️ balancing act.🤦

[CL3V3R-G1RL in reply to LifeIsThePitts]

Yes like that meme "Why do you like being at home so much" "Because I don't like people and all my stuff is there".

I do love to travel. That's the thing I miss most about my previous life. But hopefully I can get back to that.

I never saw myself as charismatic. I'm awkward socially. Which can sometimes come off the wrong way with people. People expect overwhelming joy and brightness like a sprite. I'm just chill. I remember when a friend of mine invited me and some of her friends to a get together at a restaurant. It was okay except for 1 of her friends was such an ass. He thought he knew everything. It was a struggle to sit there and not be confrontational or make things awkward for my friend. Anyways night over we are outside saying our goodbyes and this fool came up to me to say goodbye but he didn't do just that he hugged me. Which is hella weird to me. I don't know him. I don't like him. Even more now that he forced a hug on me.

I do like interacting with people. I find it easier online than face to face. Though talking about certain things helps hearing a voice than reading. Especially me, because I invert letter all the time 😂

[PinkLight in reply to CL3V3R-G1RL]

Yes, you’re absolutely right. My issue with affection is I am so afraid that if I get used to a person caring for me they will eventually betray me. That’s happened in every type of relationship (family, friends, romantic, professional, religious affiliation, you name it) multiple times. I try to open up but so far every time I do someone does something hurtful to me. So it ultimately feels like the only person I can trust with me is me…and it’s exhausting. I try to embrace my current state and fully lean in to all of the goodness I’ve given myself, but I can feel the depression weighing me down and it scares me. I had to protect myself since my childhood because I had no other choice. Then I grew up and was still shown that I was on my own so I do my best to keep me safe and well. I get punished for that in the form of no one truly being close to me.

Thank you so much for saying that I am enough. I believe that on a logical level, but my loneliness, desire for connection, and fear of being hurt make me feel like I have to be better to have what seems to come to some people naturally. In spite of my feelings, I still see the kindness in your words and I thank you.

[CL3V3R-G1RL in reply to PinkLight]

Ahh yeah betrayal my old friend. Yeah that'll do it. I've been betrayed before by best friends and by my own family. It's a wound that never truly heals. Sure it gets scabbed over after some time but the pain is there.

The only way to heal it is to put yourself out there again eventually that wound becomes a scar. But when you look at that scar, don't look at it in disgusted. Or with shame of what you could've done differently. Instead look at it like yeah I remember how I got that & I survived that.

Don't get me wrong, I know it ain't easy to trust people again. Hell, I'm still working on that. Trust is a big thing for me. Once it's been broken, it's hard as hell to get it back from me. Sure, I'll forgive you, but I ain't going to forget. Instead I'll treat you differently. No longer will I overly share my business with you. I'll keep you at arm length away from me. That's how I work.

Some people are worth redemption. Then there are others that are beyond redemption.

You are very worthy of love, affection and happiness. You don't need to be extra. You are more than enough. If other people can't see that or don't want to see it. They ain't worth YOUR TIME. Our most precious resource more than anything is our time. We often give it away to frequently to people who aren't worth it.

❤️🫂

[Midori]

When I was Nursing, I was constantly comparing myself to the other nurses; trying to do as well as they did, and often I would feel I let a patient down, or didn't live up to my own expectations.

(I'm now retired , BTW) and I can look back and call myself a klutz for things I may have fallen a little bit short on. In the long run, what's done is done and no way to wind back time to redo it! As long as the mistake is corrected, no problem.

I'm wondering if you may be expecting too much of yourself, as I did.

We all make mistakes, but we need to not let the past bother us unduly, just not repeat the 'mistake'. Most people won't notice anyway; unless you have put somebody in danger.

It's like when you hear somebody talking about you, in the street, maybe criticising your appearance. They aren't really being nasty about you personally, it's just their mental filters 'see it and say it' without giving any thought to how you may feel. But, by the time they've turned the corner, they will have forgotten about it and you, entirely.

This may not help a lot, but it may give you food for thought, at least I hope it may help somewhat.

Cheers, Midori

[Wannafly27]

Hello,Thank you for posting this. You put into words everything that is running through my mind. I want to be around friends but only for a short period of time. After I with people I need to be alone but I don't want to be alone all day. I get so mad at people when they don't reciprocate they kind of love, attention and kindness that I give others. I have a good life but I'm always searching for something else, something better. It makes me feel/seem ungrateful. It's exhausting. I don't know how to tell people this because I don't want them to think I'm crazy. It's refreshing to know that I'm not alone. It has to get better, there has to be more to life than this. It's a longing for something I don't even know exists or not.