Drowning

[Cilove1993]

My mood was better last night a lot of music and "me" time to try to cure this funk I've been in until today came. My brother who's 17 who also attempted suicide this year went missing. I was filled with panic and worry, called into work, had a meltdown, but he was found safe at my grandmas house a town away he walked there.. I feel like I'm drowning. I feel selfish that I feel like it's not fair my family members (aunt and brother who both attempted suicide this year) can have these depression episodes when I feel like im the most unstable one of them all. Yet here I am trying to stay afloat trying to survive, trying to be strong. Only thing that keeps me together most days is my kids and worrying what would happen to them if I left this world too early whether it be intentionally or unintentionally. Today's a rough day.. cant sleep yet that's all I want to do. Need to clean my house and bake cookies and shit for Christmas yet no energy or will to do it.. ughhhhh.

[kenster1]

hi bit of a rough time for you all lets hope you can all come together and have happier times in the Christmas/new year period.glad to hear that your little brother is ok.you need to focus on being health for you and the kids.do one of your chores have a little rest listen to some relaxing music then tackle something else go a little walk the do another chore.dont overload your mind with lots of things do it little by little.

[Cilove1993 in reply to kenster1]

Thank you the day has gotten better since my vent. I listened to music and baked some Christmas cookies and got some house work done hoping to take a little nap but fear stopping and laying down will cause me to go back down hill.. I honestly think I have bipolar depression not just depression yet I've been treated for only depression since I was 14 on and off..

[kenster1 in reply to Cilove1993]

hey glad you managed to get things done it always makes you feel better inside that you did.

[pink83737]

I totally understand how you feel! I always thought I had it the worst in my family! Everyone deals with it differently though. You are so strong! Remember that! Everything will get better, time heals! Do something nice for yourself such as maybe going on a walk, listening to music or you could just bake those delicious cookies! Everything will be okay! Praying for you x

[Sassygirl1967]

I'm at a rough spot also. I try to always be up and I've crashed. I'm tired of being the bright light. I'm so sorry you feel this way. I just wanted you to know you're not alone. I'm new here and hope to find people to talk with. Family is my only friends and that's not always a good thing. Hope you get your Christmas together. I'm not so far. Lol

[Cilove1993 in reply to Sassygirl1967]

Same my aunt is 10 months older than me and is like my only friend yet she let's me down and chooses her boyfriend most times.. my family can be a trigger to my depression a lot. Like twice this week going out together and never even invited me even yesterday I had my vehicle quit out on me stranded us at a store with my kids no heat in the car cause it wouldn't start (live in michigan it's too cold for that!) and all my family was at the casino and didnt even call back to see if I figured something out and got home safely.. merry f*cking Christmas ughh.