Hello to everyone on this wonderful forum. It is with a pounding heart that I've mustered up the courage to pour out my soul here. Just to give some background on me, I'm a female in my early 40s, and have been single for 10 years now. I grew up with a father who I thought hated me and who abandoned my brother and I when we were 9. My mother was always there and I know she has such a deep love for me and I love her more than anything, however, she did additional extremely deep psychological damage to me since she always favored my brother throughout my childhood. She and my brother would gang up against me, and blame me for everything whether it was my fault or not -- I was the family scapegoat. I was always put down my my entire family and always felt like they thought I was defective, inferior. I never felt accepted by any of them. My own brother literally wouldn't talk to me in school -- I wasn't good enough for him to even acknowledge or talk to. That so very, very deeply hurt me -- it just cut me so deeply and I really grew up thinking that there's something wrong with me and that I don't deserve love or happiness.
I had a 6 year long relationship with a guy that I was not in love with at all. We had nothing in common and I only started a relationship with him because I felt bad for him because he had an abusive father all his life. It was a relationship based on me try to rescue a wounded little bird, not based on true connection and compatibility.
I finally ended the relationship and have since completely avoided relationships altogether. I recently finally left a horribly stressful job that I was in for 7 years. Treated like nothing I ever did was enough -- even though I was bending over backwards, working 10-12 hour days, working weekends, many extra hours pulling off incredible feats to try to achieve, but the abusive bosses -- they only pointed out what was wrong, and barely any thanks for the incredible work I put in. Looking back, I can't believe I stayed in that situation so long. Didn't even get paid well, and never got a promotion, barely any recognition.
Now, I really want to actually go after what makes me happy instead of staying stuck in these patterns. I'm looking at getting my master's degree and possibly moving to another state to be by the beach. But when I think about moving away from family....even though I'm not happy....I feel crippling anxiety and indecision. Such a massive fear of making a mistake and that I will regret moving away. This indecision is absolutely beyond maddening, frustrating, painful....
I also so very much want to be in a relationship again and get back out there again finally -- but I become consumed with thoughts such as, men only want young 20 something women and only care about looks....things like that. Though I do think I look good for my age, but makes me think I just lost my chance to ever find a relationship with a man because of my age.
I feel like I have so much love to give, and so many gifts to share with the world....musically as well (I sing)...but yet, I stay stuck with inaction/fear and I feel so low about myself in groups of people -- I feel left behind because they all have their own children. Even though I absolutely LOVE children and have a natural gift with them which people have told me many times, I have never wanted to have my own. I know it sounds SO negative, but partially I've thought, why bring kids into this crazy world? I have thought a lot about adoption, and giving love to a child who needs a home - but definitely don't want to do that single. I really desire to find a loving relationship.
Thank you so much for reading this if you read this entire thing! -- and if anyone can relate, or has any insight they'd like to share, I would absolutely love it. This is one of the best and most active forums I've ever seen and I'm really loving the interaction here. All my best to everyone! <3
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horizonwatch
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I can't help you with the moving decision, but I can definitely tell you that you're not too old to find somebody. The dating website that I use has zillions of women in their 60's and 70's who are looking!
First, I'm really sorry for everything you've been through. Your story breaks my heart, and your character just shines through your words. I so admire your strength!
The simple act of writing your post here hopefully offered some good space for reflection; writing -- about anything, even -- can be so helpful when working through difficult emotions and confusion. I hope you feel comfortable enough to post more on this forum, but even if you'd rather not share, do please try writing your thoughts down! It really does help sometimes.
A few times you mentioned different things you want to do but feel uncertain or self-conscious about starting, like your master's degree or singing. Going back to university is such a big and sometimes quite expensive decision, but if it will help bring you closer to the life you picture as someday yours, it might be worth it! Please remember how cosmopolitan most colleges are -- everyone there comes from a different background, is in a different place on their paths in life, and attends classes there for different reasons. Social expectations vary so wildly from student to student that judgement is much less likely. It might be a safe and welcoming space for you! You also mentioned that you sing; if singing is something that you're happy doing but groups or choirs are uncomfortable, please consider YouTube! Like the rest of the internet, it's not difficult to stay quite anonymous or to create whatever persona you like, and you're able to share your talents with others, more free from a sense of "lagging behind". Just something to consider! It's worked for a friend. ^-^
I completely relate to your feelings about kids! Nothing much to suggest her,e just wanted to say that. It was really nice to find someone else who thinks the same way I do on this! ^-^
Please remember that the arbitrary expectations society places on people based on their gender, age, and place of residence are just that -- arbitrary. It's beautiful to want things like a spouse and children and a steady career, but those aren't the only way to measure one's success in life. What have you given the world? How many times have you made someone smile over your life? What have you done that no one else could or would do? Sometimes these are better ways to measure "success".
Stay strong, friend, and I wish you the absolute best! ^-^
Wow, thank you for such a beautiful reply and kind words, schrodingercat. I'm glad you can can relate to how I feel about having my own children. Thank you for the ideas about getting back out there to sing and even set up a YT channel, I have thought about doing that before. Thank you again for sharing your ideas - it has encouragrd me. Much love!
Hello. It seems pretty obvious that you’re an intelligent and thoughtful person with tons of gifts to offer the world. Here are a few immediate suggestions and I’m happy to talk to you more if you’d like. Consider working with a good personal coach who can help you get unstuck and move forward. That extra means of support, encouragement and accountability might be your ticket to a brand new life. As far as children, single parenthood, etc, don’t wait another second for a partner to magically appear one day. Of course that may happen, often when you’re not looking for him, but do not put your life on hold until that day comes. Instead, empower yourself. There are ways to lend love such as becoming a volunteer to the millions of children, adults, elderly who are craving affection every day all around the world. For you in particular, becoming a volunteer big sister might be something to consider or perhaps adopting a loving pet as well could bring new joy. Finally, and perhaps ironically, I was just watching a TED Talk earlier that discussed the clutter in all our lives (including emotional and spiritual clutter) which prevent people from moving forward in life. It was entitled From Clutter to Clarity and you might benefit from watching that or the countless other online videos that empower people to take even small manageable steps to get out of their ruts. I hope these ideas help you in the short term and of course, know you’re not alone.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful post - your words really lifted me up - thank you! I would love to get a personal coach although getting one will probably entail me picking up an extra part-time job on the side to cover the cost, but would be beyond worth it! I've been scoping out Tony Robbin's team of coaches. Do you have any coach recommendations by any chance? I love self-improvement talks so thank you for mentioning that TED Talk, I'm going to watch that immediately. And yes, would love to talk more, thank you for that offer.
Hi, I don’t have any specific coaches in mind, but good idea to check out the Tony Robbins site and perhaps google the person and company name mentioned in the TED Talk I sent you as well. I also recommend checking out other TED Talks that peak your interest; they’re free and many are so uplifting. Pls reach out at any time if there’s anything else I can help with.
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