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Anxiety and Depression Support
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Feeling lost and broken

Hello. I am a long time depression and anxiety sufferer. As far back as I can remember I find this dark cloud in a lot of memories. Isolation a lot as a kid, being the odd one out after moving into a small town where everyone knew each other, I was an easy target. Finally moving to a city gave me a reprieve for several years, finding a place I felt I belonged and was able to be happy. I met my boyfriend there 17 years ago. We like all couples have had our ups and downs, money problems, moves to new cities, my depression and the migraines that I also have had since I was a kid, his depression, loss of pets, and finally losing our home for a year took its toll. Long story, the very short version.

He left me a month ago, but it's not that easy. I can't leave our apartment yet. We had just got a place of our own only a couple weeks before. I still haven't found a job that isn't minimum wage and part time in the area, which I can't afford because we don't have a vehicle anymore, he managed to kill it the week before leaving me. He has a well enough paying job, and has given his word that for our 17 years he will help me move and get settled in a new place financially. The part that is killing me is that he has already moved on with someone else, a girl 13 years younger that I. A girl he met before he split with me. A girl that has been in our home. This after he promised he would never bring over someone that he is pursuing as long as I am here, but has severely broken that promise. I walked into the room to find them cuddled and kissing on the couch. I am broken to pieces and have this image burned in my mind of this person that I still love moving on so quickly, like I am and was nothing to him. I can't take this pain much longer, I can't leave on my own, and I am feeling very stuck and isolated. Now I don't know if I can trust his promise to help me move any longer after already breaking trust by bringing her here and not telling me they were dating beforehand. I am in contact with a few old friends but they are all in another state, the one I left to be with him, and I really just want to hug them and stop crying all the time.

I don't know what else to do right now, my mind is just locked on grief, fear, bitterness, and hurt and I can't break free. The worst part is I still want him back, still love him, and I can't help feeling like something is very, very wrong with me to feel that way even after being left and trust betrayed. I can't understand how I can feel so broken by him and at the same time want him back so badly that I'm willing to forgive all.

I know I probably need professional help but it's hard when money is a factor I can't afford. I'm trying to claw at anything to keep rational right now.

4 Replies

A big hug. I am so sorry he did this to you. I can totally understand why your feelings are all over the place. Take one step, one day at a time. Please try to get help. You don't deserve this. Can you take public transportation to any of the jobs? I would hold him to his promise. He owes you a least that. We are here for you

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Thank you. I can Uber or Lyft to some places but it can get spendy quick, and public transit here is non-existent. We're in a mostly residential area as well so my choices are limited in walking distance. At this point I'll take anything if it can get me out of here any quicker.


That dose make it harder. I know you will make it work. Hopefully one close pops up.


I think you are not wrong to have all the feelings you have. Something very similar happened to me and even though he betrayed me I took him back the next minute. And the situation made me feel badly when he was the one who should have been feeling bad,funny how that happens. Still, I felt he was a part of me though, not separate, if that makes sense. Take your time and you will heal. You are strong. You will be okay.

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