Feeling lost and broken

[Eshe]

Hello. I am a long time depression and anxiety sufferer. As far back as I can remember I find this dark cloud in a lot of memories. Isolation a lot as a kid, being the odd one out after moving into a small town where everyone knew each other, I was an easy target. Finally moving to a city gave me a reprieve for several years, finding a place I felt I belonged and was able to be happy. I met my boyfriend there 17 years ago. We like all couples have had our ups and downs, money problems, moves to new cities, my depression and the migraines that I also have had since I was a kid, his depression, loss of pets, and finally losing our home for a year took its toll. Long story, the very short version.

He left me a month ago, but it's not that easy. I can't leave our apartment yet. We had just got a place of our own only a couple weeks before. I still haven't found a job that isn't minimum wage and part time in the area, which I can't afford because we don't have a vehicle anymore, he managed to kill it the week before leaving me. He has a well enough paying job, and has given his word that for our 17 years he will help me move and get settled in a new place financially. The part that is killing me is that he has already moved on with someone else, a girl 13 years younger that I. A girl he met before he split with me. A girl that has been in our home. This after he promised he would never bring over someone that he is pursuing as long as I am here, but has severely broken that promise. I walked into the room to find them cuddled and kissing on the couch. I am broken to pieces and have this image burned in my mind of this person that I still love moving on so quickly, like I am and was nothing to him. I can't take this pain much longer, I can't leave on my own, and I am feeling very stuck and isolated. Now I don't know if I can trust his promise to help me move any longer after already breaking trust by bringing her here and not telling me they were dating beforehand. I am in contact with a few old friends but they are all in another state, the one I left to be with him, and I really just want to hug them and stop crying all the time.

I don't know what else to do right now, my mind is just locked on grief, fear, bitterness, and hurt and I can't break free. The worst part is I still want him back, still love him, and I can't help feeling like something is very, very wrong with me to feel that way even after being left and trust betrayed. I can't understand how I can feel so broken by him and at the same time want him back so badly that I'm willing to forgive all.

I know I probably need professional help but it's hard when money is a factor I can't afford. I'm trying to claw at anything to keep rational right now.

[Corgigirl]

A big hug. I am so sorry he did this to you. I can totally understand why your feelings are all over the place. Take one step, one day at a time. Please try to get help. You don't deserve this. Can you take public transportation to any of the jobs? I would hold him to his promise. He owes you a least that. We are here for you

[Eshe in reply to Corgigirl]

Thank you. I can Uber or Lyft to some places but it can get spendy quick, and public transit here is non-existent. We're in a mostly residential area as well so my choices are limited in walking distance. At this point I'll take anything if it can get me out of here any quicker.

[Corgigirl in reply to Eshe]

That dose make it harder. I know you will make it work. Hopefully one close pops up.

[Starrlight]

I think you are not wrong to have all the feelings you have. Something very similar happened to me and even though he betrayed me I took him back the next minute. And the situation made me feel badly when he was the one who should have been feeling bad,funny how that happens. Still, I felt he was a part of me though, not separate, if that makes sense. Take your time and you will heal. You are strong. You will be okay.