Depression and getting married

[xglitterkibblex]

We had planned on getting married in september. But ive gotten nothing started and i dont even think about the wedding. Im thinking i should put off the wedding due to my problems. Even if i did somehow start and get everything done (which i know wont happen because i hardly ever think about my wedding) i know my depression and anxiety wont let me get ready for the wedding without keeping my anxiety from getting to me or even walk down that aisle without having a panic attack. Alot of days i just think about not having a wedding. Im not stable enough to get the things done nor am i happy enough to be motivated about it. I know my fiance wants one. And if i say otherwise he will just agree even though i know thays not what he wants.

[m_ary]

hey there. you are talking about marriage here. if you aren't certian do your fiance a favor and don't get married as planned. if you think their feelings might be hurt now...imagine how devastatingly hurt they will be if you marry when you arent ready or arent sure and it all comes out later. marriage is for people who really know themselves and can share themselves with another person. the level of intimacy that a happy joyous marriage requires means telling your truth to each other. the questions you bring up are questions you need to ask yourself...like do you want to get married now? to this person? do you know yourself? do you know your fiance? can you communicate what you want and need? do you respect yourself and your needs? do you know you are not responsible for his happiness but you are responsible for yours? you might be on to something with the delays....and no matter what you are awesome!

[m_ary in reply to m_ary]

on the other hand maybe asking a friend to help you or just eloping and hitting a no-tell motel is an idea.

[xglitterkibblex in reply to m_ary]

Its not that i dont want to get married. I just lost my excitment for the wedding planning that i was really looking forward too. I want my planning and theyl date to be a fun and special experience npt one i have to force myself to do the most simplest things or worry about everything messing up. So i figured i wanted to get my life together before we have a wedding. So i know itll be like i wanted it to be.

[old-soul]

A lot of people just get married I a *very* quiet ceremony at home, inviting only 4-6 extremely close family members or friends, and the have a nice reception the following day.

This takes so much preassure off It's not funny. Plus the wedding is far less material and less of a "keeping up with the Jones's" affair. No need for huge wedding parties, 10's of thousands spent on tuxedos and bridesmaids dresses that will likely never be worn again, but also are "too important" to get rid of blah blah blah.

Many MANY couples are sick and tired of 40-60 thousand (or more) dollar weddings that are basicly financial feeding frenzies for wedding planners, limo companies, dress makers, tuxedo shops, florists and on and on ad nausium.

Small wedding. Reasonable reception with a nice meal and dancing, and then spend the thousands of dollars saved on a real deal honeymoon that's about no-one else but the two of you. On top of that honeymoon glow instead of computer exhaustion, it may well afford for some savings in the bank with which to start a life as a married coupl. In other words, some actual financial SECURITY, rather than huge debt and after wedding "buyer's remorse."

Planning a wedding this way takes TONS of stress away that, in my opinion actually RUINS what otherwise *would* have been a HAPPY occasion.

If you don't know how romantic it is to have a wedding ceremony that includes only people you are REALLY close with, well, maybe all you need to do is give it 20 seconds of thought to realize how truely romantic that really is.

It's a lot more romantic that trying to get everyone you've ever known to pack every pew in a church, and then inviting them to eat and drink for free, or more to the point, on your dime, and of course, there are always a few that may even get plastered on the free booze and make a scene. Heh. Who needs that?

I know so many people that have had the wedding itself ruin a marriage before it even begins, and now I can potentially add you as yet another, and all because of the daunting task of planning this huge ordeal for OTHER PEOPLE? It's the wedding planning that is screwing the whole thing up, right? It does NOT cost that much to have an ordained minister perform a simple and quiet ceremony in your home, or in a park where there is a small pavilion in case of rain if getting married in a pretty park setting appeals to you, and you only need a few people as witnesses.

I'm not familiar with every States laws, but there are plent that don't require you to even "supply your own witnesses. Most biblical Christian ceremonies recognise the Scriptue that does require at least 2 or 3 witnesses to constitute Holy Matrimony. Father of the bride, perhaps a bride's maid or mother of the bride, and a best man, which is sometimes the bride-grooms father. <shrug> It's wedding INDUSTRY people that push these high-dollar "dream wedding" fantasies. (Yeah, a nightmare is a dream, I suppose)

A professional photographer for your ceremony is a great idea. That is a very special moment, and if you want pictures, having GOOD pictures and a very nice album is worth spending a few hundred dollars on. Reception photos - whatever. If you can't take a shot, just take a lot.

Keep it simple wedding planning can make the idea of getting married FUN, instead of a full time job with thousands of dollars on the line, and only 300,000 things to plan and 300,000 things that COULD go wrong. What for?

That's my 2 cents worth. Good luck!

[Katzenjammer82]

I, too, am getting married this year. I changed the date several different times due to anxiety and depression. Planning a wedding adds stress so I think if you feel you’re not ready for that stress you should put it off and talk to a therapist.

Your wedding should be a day to celebrate, not be anxious and panicking.

But don’t put it off and not seek help because you need to work on yourself.

[xglitterkibblex in reply to Katzenjammer82]

Thank you. I think i really should because i know i really want to do it and i dont want to miss out.

[Want2BHappy3]

If your feeling this way, you should post-phone it? Does your fiancée know about your anxeity?

I've read on this site about it breaking up marriages. He might say we'll get though it cause we love each other...regardless what people say "love conquers all" love had not met ANXEITY.

Anxeity conquers ALL relationships. I can't talk to friends or relatives about what I'm going through...they don't want to hear it...even after awhile your husbands going to get tired of dealing with it?

I have a boyfriend of 16 years, I lie now because he doesn't want to hear it. He tells me to go for a walk. Give it a lot of thought before you make this life changing commitment. For BETTER or WORSE is just a cliché

[Shanedavey]

when something that should be special and exciting happens in my life the same thing happens to me. I shut down, and get depressed (bad) or I'll even go as far as to f#@k it off so I don't have deal with that level of depression.

You don't sound near as bad as me (lucky you) but I agree with PJRR, I would even go as far as to bring up the whole "for better or for worse" thing and drive it in that you might have some very challenging times coming up in your life and if he is really ready to stick it out with you through them.

I can tell you first hand that I got as low as I ever could be and it took a long time to come to terms with the fact that someone I grew to love and eventually trusted completely turned on me and not only gave up on me but belittled me in the process. I was not freaking out or getting violent I was just down for no good reason and really needed to hear that she loved me.

The only thing that saved my life was the fact that there was my mother who I couldn't put through having to bury me.

please be careful

[xglitterkibblex]

Shanedavey Want2BHappy3 he knows about my depression & anxiety. He has extremly bad anxiety. Nowhere near compared to mine. We are at the point where he tries to help but it doesnt really help me much. My mind is to stubborn. And it makes him feel awful he cant help. And weve already talked and ive told him. That truthfully he cant really help me. I just need his cooperation, support, and under standing. Because i knows its hard for him to sit there and see my miserable. But hes putting to much pressure on hisself trying to help me when we already got enough going on. My depression got extremly low in January after i had our daughter. So weve both been dealing with it for a good while now. And our relationship has been tested alot since then. And even though i set for a wedding in sept. Over the past 2 months i told him that im not sure if i want to right now. Everything is all scrambled i dont even know my feelings anymore. And i cant understand it. Alot of days now im literally emotional less. Things that would usually make me cry. Dont do anything because i felt so empty and dead inside. And i just really dont want to get married or even think about it in the midst of my life being this way

[Shanedavey in reply to xglitterkibblex]

It sounds like you have a good grip on the whole situation I am impressed with your ability to see the situation so clearly with your problems. I suffer like you with depression and anxiety and to get a good all around view of the situation and even know what part he needs to play to be truly helpful to you I am going to say is outstanding. I worry no more for you but he needs to listen and not pressure you into this ( I wish I could talk to him). You said it and you know what to do. when your feelings are all mixed up you stop and wait until you sort them out. I know how he feels too and it is absolutely helpless. assure him you are not giving up on him or the possibility of getting married but it is going to have to wait until things are better for you.

I wish you the best

[xglitterkibblex in reply to Shanedavey]

I thinks its mostly because ive been going thru this for 8 years alone. And i just knew that noone could help, because i wont let them. Im stubborn because someone could give advice or compliment and i just cant accept it. Its like i constantly fight myself in my mind and the back and forth drives me literally crazy