I'm new here and I've never posted anything about my mental illness.MDD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder with a sprinkle of ADD how to cope?

[Nutella06]

Hello my name is Devin and I have had the misfortune of suffering with Depression and Anxiety for most of my life. Im now 45 years old and I have struggled with all the changes and failures in life. I'm suffering from major brain fog so some of this post might be incoherent. I just don't see much hope left for me. I had my first panic attack when I was in 2nd grade and over the years the attacks have increased especially when my Dad passed away from cancer one week before my 21st birthday. That tipped me over the edge and I still can't believe the days, weeks, months of suffering! I've seen I don't know how many people in the psychiatric field since then. They of course put me on drugs and after all these years the only one that has given me any relief is Xanax. I still have to take it most nights just to get to sleep. I don't like taking pills and that's why I don't stay on any antidepressants that long. With the exception of Zoloft which I was on for years back in the 90's. I was off meds for over a year when I got in a severe car accident in 1997. I should have died but, I was saved by a trauma team at Hospital. I was life flighted there and the team put a rod in my left leg due to a tib/fib fracture, I got my spleen removed from internal bleeding and I sustained a TBI which kept me in hospital for 5 weeks. I don't have any memory of the 1st 3 weeks there and even the final 2 aren't very clear. I'm glad to have family and friends visit me while I was there. I still struggle with the fact that those events happened. I'm thankful to have survived but, that impairment along with my mental disorders make it very hard to achieve things. I needed help and I got it from my GF who became my wife. She is very smart and was able to help me get jobs in the corporate world so I could earn more money and leave my job at the golf course. I had a lot of bad days in the corporate world and my mental problems were out of control again. Went back on meds and kept on going. My anger and episodes have caused me trouble my whole life and in the corporate world they got me in trouble to the point I had to resign or just quit. In 2011 the smart wife I had filled for divorce because she had ran up all my credit and I'm sure she was sick of dealing with my mental issues. I finally got a more accurate diagnosis in 2013 of Major Depressive Disorder and I underwent TMS which stands for Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. It worked amazingly and after just a few weeks I was already feeling a lot better. I completed the 6 weeks of treatment but, the treatment took away the brain fog and I saw things I hadn't seen before. Mainly that my slick ex wife had gotten over on me again with what was outlined in the divorce decree. I hired a lawyer and spent years fighting it out with her in court. After 3 lawyers and lots of money spent I finally got some redemption but, It didn't aid in my mental recovery. I got the TMS treatment again in 2016 but, it was no where as successful as in 2013 and that has broken my faith again that I will ever be able to manage myself. This past Monday I was set to get ECT Electro Convulsive Therapy and I went to the hospital and decided that I couldn't go through with it. My short term memory is already terrible and I couldn't take the chance that it would get worse. So what I've decided to do is get a new TMS treatment called Brainsway TMS. I will be seeing the same doctor as the one who treated me in 2013 so I have faith that he can help me again. I came on here just because I'm just trying to get some positive feedback and see if anyone can relate to my ordeal. I just need to be able to cope with my demons and figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I don't want to give up on life but, I'm running out of options. Any goods thoughts or suggestions would be welcomed. Thank you...

[jkl5500]

First of all, I'm very sorry about all the suffering that you have endured in your life. But I wanted to comment on the possibility of using ECT as treatment. I had about 20 ECT treatments in 2017, and I am currently on a maintenance schedule of once a month. I can only speak for myself, but I have never experienced any damage to my short or long term memory. In fact, any side effects I've had were very minor and went away quickly.

[Nutella06 in reply to jkl5500]

Thanks for the feedback and I'm glad you had success with ECT. I did a lot of research with it and almost every person that had undergone that treatment had suffered either short term or long term memory problems. Im going to use ECT as a last resort. Fortunately I can do the deeper penetrating Brainsway TMS and I'm hoping that works for me just like the Neurostar TMS worked in 2013.

[jkl5500 in reply to Nutella06]

I don't blame you for trying TMS first. I'd like to use TMS myself, by my doc told me "Don't do it! It costs a fortune and no insurance will pay for it." (I'm in the US.) I wondered what was so expensive about sitting in a chair and someone putting a magnet over my head. Then I talked to the doc who does the ECT treatments, and he explained that in TMS, the powerful magnets that are used "burn out" quickly. Only one company over here makes them, and naturally, they charge sky high prices for them because there's no competition. That accounts for the very high price for each treatment. Apparently, our insurance companies don't seem to think that TMS is worth including in coverage - maybe its track record isn't long enough.

Anyhow, it's ECT for me, like it or not.

[Nutella06]

TMS has been approved by the FDA since 2008 but, yes insurance companies are going to drag there feet for as long as they can without covering it. It actually costs a lot more for the insurance companies to pay for ECT since you have to actually have to go to a hospital and be admitted 3 times a week. I have had TMS done twice. In 2013 which wasn't covered by my insurance and 2016 which was covered. In and out in less than an hour 5 days a week for 6 weeks and no anesthesia is required. The reason I looked into ECT was that the TMS wasn't as successful in 2016 as it was in 2013 but, I think it had to do with the knowledge of the 2 doctors that administered the treatment. The DR in 13 works with a University and has more years of experience with TMS. I'm going back to that same DR hopefully next month to get the Brainsway TMS which is a step up from the Neurostar TMS that I had previously.

[Stilltrying_]

Hi, it sounds like you have been through so much. I do so hope that this new treatment works for you. I can understand why you didn't go for the ECT as of course it is well known that it destoys part of your memory system, although I have just read the interesting repsponse from jkl500 .Fingers crossed though that this innovative Brainway TMS does the trick. Then if it doesn't you may need to reconsider the ECT XX

[fauxartist]

glad your sharing

[Natsteveo]

Hi Nutella06

I'm really sorry your suffering so much but can I just say I love your name Devin it's a lovely name I've never heard of that before..Anyway sounds to me like your going down the right path and definatly stay clear of the ECT didn't sound good comes from it..you've suffered loss and loss again through your divorce believe me I know how devastating and very expensive a divorce is you've gone through so much yet some are working and some aren't I've had similar I've had psychiatrist 3 to be exact and this last one is only helping me slightly but I've took it to see if I can have some kinda life again mines started when I was a child but escalated when my mum died of cancer in 2007 I've not been the same since I even developed health anxiety as a result of my loss and when i hit rock bottom I've never been able to get back up fully so I understand your loss and the stresses of your divorce I do hope you can get something that's going to work we don't deserve this

Nat