Hey, I'm new here - I'm also pretty n... - Anxiety and Depre...

Anxiety and Depression Support
44,444 members46,058 posts

Hey, I'm new here - I'm also pretty new at facing my anxiety and I need more support than I've got!!

Strebbs
Strebbs

Hi guys, I just joined on here and I'm not sure what to write. I'm going through a real tough period of anxiety right now and it's hard for me to reach out, but I looked around online and found this. If this post is not okay or messes with some guidelines, please let me know and I'll try to fix it.

I have anxiety, OCD and tourette's syndrome. I never even knew about anxiety or OCD until about a year ago - I've kind of always known intuitively, but I've always been of those people who just goes "oh, I guess this is just the way I am. Huh, nothing's wrong, haha" *gives a fake smile and shaky laugh*

I'm 28 now. A couple years ago I was miserable and crying every day, and I eventually something broke and I started out to lose weight, heal my body from multiple injuries.

Since then I've come along way, even found a relationship with a wonderful partner. But I've only just begun my journey to emotional wellness, which is something I never cared about until recently, and it gets so, so hard sometimes. I rationally know I've come so far and yet, some days it seems like I haven't gone anywhere - still on the verge of a panic attack, hiding from my girlfriend instead of opening up to her, playing video games while beating myself for not facing my problems "enough", and feeling on the edge of losing all the good things that have come my way suddenly and for no other reason than "I'm a burden".

To be honest, I'm an optimist - and most days aren't quite this bad for me, even though recently. I just just back home from another weekend spent with my girlfriend, and while we're a perfect match and had some great times, I just feel so anxious and glum right now that none of that means much. And my OCD very commonly targets my relationship too, causing even greater suffering (i.e. "you didn't "really" enjoy being in her arms, that must mean you don't love her, you burdened her with your sadness yet again, so you're a terrible boyfriend, and you're just subsisting off of her for your emotional needs instead of facing them).

Honestly, I guess I'll give myself credit for identifying my fears/obsessions this clearly, because I couldn't always do that. But I can't shake the nagging feeling that I'm not doing "enough", I should be further along in my recovery, and ultimately battling with myself a ton and having a REALLY tough time showing myself compassion. I have a lifetime of experience neglecting my emotions to instead take on the role of fulfilling the requirements of others (namely my mom) and as such I have a lifetime of bad habits and negative beliefs about myself to overcome. I know I've come a long way, and I tell myself I'm doing a great job, but sometimes all I can see is how far from the light I am, and worried I'm becoming too exhausted to continue.

Sorry for the tl;dr - I hope I didn't blunder by posting such a rambling thing. I figured I'd reach out and see if I can find some people going through the same or a similar struggle as me, for some support. I'd rather out on some music and scroll through Facebook aimlessly rather than talk about my problems, but that doesn't help me, lol! Thanks for reading :) And hello.

6 Replies
oldestnewest

Hi 👋🏼 welcome ! I too am a long time manager of anxiety and depression. I get “beating yourself up for xyz...” try as hard as you can to take those thoughts captive as soon as they pop into your head- don’t let them rent space. You sound like you are doing the best you can with what you’ve got and making progress ! Just let that be for a bit then keep moving forward in realistic fashion . Enjoy the good things you have gained ! This sight Is wonderful , people are great , they respond and you get to help others as well by responding to them . The only thing I’m aware of that’s Frowned on is “evangelizing , proselytizing etc of any faith or lack there of”. So for instance it doesn’t seem to be a problem if someone in a reply asks “do you pray or believe in ...... “ and the other person says yes . But it’s a problem if someone asks “do you pray or believe in .... ?” And then a conversation ensues about how they should and ... you get the idea . Idk I’ve never had an issue . You can also message people privately if you find someone you work well with and like chatting with . In any event even just reading posts helps. You sound like you are doing better than you think ! Post/message anytime!

You are going to be just fine

Strebbs
Strebbs
in reply to Hannah712

Thanks!

I can relate to much of what you described. We are all different, but our struggles have so much in common. The good news is that this type of post is helpful to both you and I. I have been working on some emotional subjugation issues, that I have had with my father. I benefit from everything that I learn. I too have a long way to go, but I am happy with how far I’ve come.

Keep trying and you will keep moving forward.

Strebbs
Strebbs
in reply to gerg

Thanks buddy, I really appreciate it! That's very kind.

A lot of my own anxiety stems from the emotional abuse my mom showed me, and that's put a whole ton of strain on me in my present relationship. I know more about that now, but it still makes me miserable sometimes. It's a fairly recent development that I'm even able to talk about my anxiety with my partner or anyone, being so programmed to fear retribution. OCD only adds to that struggle, either by finding some fault with her, or by reinforcing my feelings of shame/unworthiness. It's all very painful.

I too am happy with how far I've come, but not having much experience in dealing with my emotions, it's easy for me to feel like having an anxiety attack = the end of all things. In the past, that usually ended up with me trying to break up with my girlfriend out of overwhelming feelings of shame and loneliness. I intend to keep improving, and to keep opening up to people about my struggles. It's just very scary and very hard for me.

Welcome

Hi welcome, Please don't take offense to this... but when someone first writes try to no make your letter too long, you'll get more responses, too much to read, i was guilty of doing the same thing. Honestly didn't read yours. But wanted to welcome you cause your new. Please keep writing, we're here for you, even if you just want to vent. Take care

You may also like...