Hi guys, I just joined on here and I'm not sure what to write. I'm going through a real tough period of anxiety right now and it's hard for me to reach out, but I looked around online and found this. If this post is not okay or messes with some guidelines, please let me know and I'll try to fix it.
I have anxiety, OCD and tourette's syndrome. I never even knew about anxiety or OCD until about a year ago - I've kind of always known intuitively, but I've always been of those people who just goes "oh, I guess this is just the way I am. Huh, nothing's wrong, haha" *gives a fake smile and shaky laugh*
I'm 28 now. A couple years ago I was miserable and crying every day, and I eventually something broke and I started out to lose weight, heal my body from multiple injuries.
Since then I've come along way, even found a relationship with a wonderful partner. But I've only just begun my journey to emotional wellness, which is something I never cared about until recently, and it gets so, so hard sometimes. I rationally know I've come so far and yet, some days it seems like I haven't gone anywhere - still on the verge of a panic attack, hiding from my girlfriend instead of opening up to her, playing video games while beating myself for not facing my problems "enough", and feeling on the edge of losing all the good things that have come my way suddenly and for no other reason than "I'm a burden".
To be honest, I'm an optimist - and most days aren't quite this bad for me, even though recently. I just just back home from another weekend spent with my girlfriend, and while we're a perfect match and had some great times, I just feel so anxious and glum right now that none of that means much. And my OCD very commonly targets my relationship too, causing even greater suffering (i.e. "you didn't "really" enjoy being in her arms, that must mean you don't love her, you burdened her with your sadness yet again, so you're a terrible boyfriend, and you're just subsisting off of her for your emotional needs instead of facing them).
Honestly, I guess I'll give myself credit for identifying my fears/obsessions this clearly, because I couldn't always do that. But I can't shake the nagging feeling that I'm not doing "enough", I should be further along in my recovery, and ultimately battling with myself a ton and having a REALLY tough time showing myself compassion. I have a lifetime of experience neglecting my emotions to instead take on the role of fulfilling the requirements of others (namely my mom) and as such I have a lifetime of bad habits and negative beliefs about myself to overcome. I know I've come a long way, and I tell myself I'm doing a great job, but sometimes all I can see is how far from the light I am, and worried I'm becoming too exhausted to continue.
Sorry for the tl;dr - I hope I didn't blunder by posting such a rambling thing. I figured I'd reach out and see if I can find some people going through the same or a similar struggle as me, for some support. I'd rather out on some music and scroll through Facebook aimlessly rather than talk about my problems, but that doesn't help me, lol! Thanks for reading And hello.