What would you do???

[jessmn62312]

So, my husband has not been talking to his mother for the past 4-5 years. He and i used to be close to her but we had a falling out and we stopped talking. We just got a letter from her basically in so many words saying that she wants to reconnect. My husband told me that i could respond to the letter but that he wants nothing to do with it. I just wrote the letter to her telling her she should call her son. Now i am having second thoughts on sending it. Should I?

The reason why i think they should stop this stupid feud is because I just lost my mother and i don't want my husband to miss out on his life with his mom. Sometimes feelings can get in the way and you only have one life. Why waste it on stupid arguments. What would you do???

[Stilltrying_]

This is my opinion. You said "My husband told me that i could respond to the letter but that he wants nothing to do with it. " but then you wrote to her that "she should call her son."

I personally would disagree with this as he has said he wants nothing to do with it. So if she calls and he rejects her or doesn't answer her what is that going to achieve? You are in your rights to write and say that you are willing to speak to her or see her if that's what you want, but your husband clearly doesn't want to talk to her and personally I would respect his wishes. That's my take for what its worth. So no, I definately would not send that letter. I can't think it would help either of them. Gemma xx

[jessmn62312 in reply to Stilltrying_]

and you are so right. That is why i am having second thoughts. But when my husband says that he wants nothing to do with it i see the tears and pain he has towards it.(in the sense that he misses his mom). They were close and they both are very stubborn people. That is why neither one of them have taken a chance to just talk. So i feel like i should intervene. I don't even know if i want to talk to her yet. She was very rude and said hurtful things about me. But i have such a forgiving heart - to a fault, so i will always forgive. I personally have serious anxiety about the whole thing, but then i think that if i didn't have anxiety would i have just sent it already?

[Stilltrying_ in reply to jessmn62312]

Like I said what if she phones and he refuses to speak to her? That is just going to make everything worse. So no I don't think it's your anxiety stopping you from sending it; hopefully it is your common sense! By all means talk to him about it but you need to respect him at the end of the day even if he is being stubborn. It could turn out so wrong if you intervene and speak FOR him.

[jessmn62312 in reply to Stilltrying_]

yes, i understand and i hear what you are saying. thank you.

[Hidden]

Hi Jess,

I can somewhat relate to your circumstances. I am totally estranged from my father, for multiple reasons. However, I think about often how I will handle things when he passes. I love my father, although he has hurt me all my life. I do not know your specific circumstances or why the feud started, but I have to agree with you that if there is a possibility they can reconnect then encourage it. Since he has expressed he does not want anything to do with it, this could cause problems between the two of you if you tell her to call him and he is unwilling to speak with her. I would try to remain supportive of him, yet I would still write a letter to her and just be honest about everything. Maybe in time he will reconsider.

[jessmn62312 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your input!

[EastbayTom in reply to Hidden]

Make it worse? My mother is dead can't speak to her. He will regretting it, it is his mother. Telling her to call, is reaching out, that is what adults do.

[Rpan]

My wife and my mother had a falling out also. It hurt my mother because she felt that I ultimately would feel the brunt of this. She was right! I suffered the most. This also damaged the relationship between my wife and I. Neither my wife or my mother are able to see there part and here I am. I would imagine your husband feels the same way. I’m guessing what your husband hasn’t said was for you and his mother to make amends. If that happens his relationship with his mother will heal. If that doesn’t happen at some point he will likely resent you. I know these may sound like harsh words I can be totally wrong as this is just my experience. My marriage is currently failing partly because my wife hates my family. When we say I do we say I do to the family as well. Again this is my experience, I hope you don’t feel like I’m overstepping, I apologize if you find this offensive.

[jessmn62312 in reply to Rpan]

Not overstepping at all! You are right about me also having to make amends. Which i am willing to do. I never disliked her, i just didn't like how she treated me and her son and the things she said. But if she truly is sorry about everything i am willing to forgive and move forward! So i know that if i can, so can my husband. I am nervous but excited to see where this goes. I miss Holidays with her and game nights that we used to have.

[Hidden]

Hello jessmn!

I totally agree with you! I have lost both of my parents and my sister. I’m the only one left. I don’t know what I would now feel if I had left anything unsaid between any of us. I would keep encouraging your husband to reconcile with his Mother. These bonds don’t need to be taken for granted! He doesn’t want to be filled with regret. Hoping all works out for you and yours! 🌷🌷

[jessmn62312 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you! I talked with him last night about it. He is willing to work things out with his mom but he has his guard up. I told him that if things don't work out at least you tried and you wont have that regret!

[Susan512]

Mail that letter at least that's a start, start talking to your mother in law and hopefully your husband will do the same, life is too short.

[gogogirl]

This is just my opinion- I understand what you are saying, and sorry for the loss of your mom. I know first hand that it is very painful. Still, this is between her and your husband. Only they can work it out if that is in the cards. If you want to talk to her that is another matter- but personally I would not send the letter. You cannot control other people as you know.

[jessmn62312 in reply to gogogirl]

yes, i definitely would not have sent the letter if he didn't agree to it. I talked with him last night and he was ok with sending it out. He is afraid of going through the same crap again with her but he said if she hasn't changed he is done. And i fully support that. At least he wont have any regrets.

[gogogirl in reply to jessmn62312]

I can't offer advice but remember you are married to him not her- you can do your part if you want but the rest is up to them. Also, I would think about this_ if she said hurtful things about you and that cause a rift- then why isn't she apologizing? After all, SHE is the mother and she can also set an example .

[gogogirl in reply to gogogirl]

sorry it's caused not cause- grammar police !

[jessmn62312 in reply to gogogirl]

I agree. She is the mother. And she should have never said those hurtful things. But i am not one to hold grudges. I really enjoyed her for the most part. and my husband was close to her. So i think that sometimes you just have to let go and move forward. Family isn't always going to get along. But if you really care and can get past stupid things than you should. I am expecting an apology. I expect her to apologize to her son and to me. If she can't do that then there will be no way we can get past this.

[gogogirl in reply to jessmn62312]

Well.... I give you credit for trying, and she did write the letter so that is to her credit but four or five years is a long time. Also, does your husband have siblings who talk to her? Does she live close by? If she is an old person, I would hope that she is just not looking for someone to take care of her. I heard about this type of scenario with someone some years back. A parent who had been an extreme abuser suddenly wanted kids to take care- ended up causing a living hell. I wish you well with this, but there might be more underneath than just insults to you.

[jessmn62312 in reply to gogogirl]

I know, it is a long time and both my husband and i have our guard up. My husband has two younger brothers. He doesn't speak to either of them. The youngest had a falling out with his mom about 10 years ago, so he just stopped talking to everyone. Actually now that he has kids he talks to the other brother, they have a kid. Only one son still talks to his mom. She is in her early 60's but very active. She is pretty healthy. She lives 10/15 min. away. Hope this made sense. Everything just got really messed up. I think it started when the youngest brother started talking to the other brother and completely excluded my husband. That had to hurt. I remember when the youngest brother got married, he only invited the other brother. It was a destination wedding. We didn't know about it. When the brother got back he was showing us pictures of this fishing excursion he went on. We asked him who he went with and he said "an old friend". It turned out to be the youngest brother. My husband couldn't understand why he was excluded. He never did anything to his youngest brother. He was always there for him. So it really hurt my husband.

[gogogirl in reply to jessmn62312]

That is really messed up- families can be complicated sometimes. Only you know this- but maybe your husband does not want all of this baggage, and I would not blame him. Guess what? If you and your husband are happy with your life then that is what counts that is what I think. Someone taught me a kick in the pants a few years ago ( not about issues like that but other ones). Sometimes we have to accept what is rather than what we want it to be. Yes, family can be messy but if someone goes out of his /her way to insult or to exclude or lie - well..... who needs it? Good to have your guard up- and sometimes it has nothing about holding a grudge- it might be just who these people are. Be careful and hold your boundaries. Plus remember - this is about your husband and her. Good luck.

[jessmn62312 in reply to gogogirl]

I hear everything you are saying and i agree. Thank you for your sharing your thoughts. much appreciated!

[gogogirl in reply to jessmn62312]

Glad you came to the post!

[EastbayTom]

You know what to do. I don't think you have to play referee, but if she reaches out two times, you can always tell him to do what he wants. If he doesn't understand, he would have to be real thick headed