Conflicted

[chatnoirmd]

I just got news that my uncle, the man that touched me inappropriately throughout my life, is dying. Family is going to visit and spend as much time as possible with him before he dies. I got the impression that my mom would like for me to visit as well. My family is dysfunctional and I know that traveling a thousand miles to see them would completely derail any progress I've made. I also feel conflicted because I am truly sad the man is dying. But it opens my old wounds. He's my mother's brother and when he'd do things to me, she'd just tell me that he was doing it because he loved me. Why now? Why? I was so much better, and then life threw this curve ball at me. I got an almost instant headache, but had to vent somewhere.

[Justswimming]

Don't go your uncle abused you and your mom is in denial.Save yourself just bow out. No way should you go. Make something up.if you don't want to make waves. Maybe he abused your mom too. Stay away please. You can protect yourself.. You owe that creep nothing and your mom abandoned you when she justified it. Friends can be your new family. Don't go. Tell your therapist no one would want you to go.

[ImInTroubleAgain]

I’m sorry to hear that happened to you. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to and it sucks that your mom didn’t protect you. I too have a dysfunctional family and have experienced similar situations. I no longer have any contact with my grandmother because of the experience. I’m fine with that. Forgiveness is the best release. Remember just because you forgive doesn’t mean you have to forget. Forgiveness is for you and not your uncle. It helps to release some of the hurt.

[hypercat54]

Goodness I am not surprised you are feeling like this! I would be very surprised if you weren't. Did your mum really say that to you? That's awful and no wonder you don't want to visit. How could she have invalidated your feelings and put you in danger knowing what her brother was doing to you, that beggars belief.

You are the important one here and you have to put your own needs and well being first. If your mother asked why I would be very tempted to say straight out to her that why would you want to visit your sexually abusive uncle and her who supported him instead of you.

I understand however that if you want to keep the peace that wouldn't be a good idea so maybe make some excuse such as you are poorly, have too much on at work etc. etc. It really depends on what sort of relationship you have with your family.

Good luck with it all and let me know how you get on. Take care - and remember your feelings are paramount here. x

[Stilltrying_]

Same as Justswimming. Don't go. He abused you. He deserves nothing from you he is not worthy of love or respect. Agree with hypercat though, if you need to just make an excuse rather than going into it all. Saying your ill is a good idea. Make up a fake flu or something.

[Hidden]

I understand what you're going through, it happened to me. You have no reason to travel with them to see him, as long as you wish him no harm, you're in the clear. Love & warm hugs for you! XXX

[melbrown]

Hi Chatnoirmd. How are you doing? Please know you don't owe your family anything. Yes it's sad he's dying & your family is grieving..... but he did things to you that are beyond horrible. You have nothing to gain by going to see him & have no idea how you'll react. You have to look deeply in yourself & decide for yourself. My abusiver was a family member, I have no contact with him.... I know he has nothing but pain for me. It took me a long time to realize that, for me it was the right thing. As you can tell you aren't alone, you have a lot of support here.

safe hugs, Mel

[gogogirl]

He sexually assaulted you, and to your mom that is "love?" Sick!

[gogogirl]

My opinion: Do not go. Why are you so sad about someone who hurt you?

[shawnaskin]

My belief about this is that it is up to you. Forgiveness is the best thing for you. I liked a comment up above and I think that person has the right idea.

[chatnoirmd]

Thank you everyone, for chiming in! I was in so much pain that I posted and kind of disappeared for awhile. I decided not to go, but I did send a nice bunch of flowers to the funeral home. Even though my mom (and family) probably don't deserve the acknowledgement, it was a decision that I felt that I could live with. I'm at peace with everything and realize that an even bigger bridge is present between me and my family. But that's ok. I'm in a place where I'm actively trying to get rid of the toxins in my life.