TLDR: I am not getting what I need from my current friend group but am hanging on to them because I am scared that I'm not able to make new friends.
Hi everyone! I've had anxiety in one form or another my entire life. When the pandemic hit my anxiety really ramped up, as I'm sure it did for many of us For me this has morphed into a bit of agoraphobia. Honestly, I'm perfectly fine going out with my friends once or twice a month, seeing my family a once or twice a month, and chilling with my two cats the rest. To some people that might not seem like much. But it's the closest thing I've had to balance for a long time.
So on to the issue. I inherited my current friend group from my ex, who was several years younger then me. This means I'm now 33 and the average age of my friends is 22. Don't get me wrong, they are good people. But I've known for a while now that they're not my people. This has been a looming issue for me. And it has been taking up more time in my head lately so I know I can't ignore it forever. But I've been putting this off for two main reasons.
1) As I said, these are not bad people. And I don't feel there's a way to make myself happy without hurting at least one of them, most likely all of them.
2) Because of how little I socialize as it is, I'm really scared that I won't put an effort into finding new friends and I'll truly become a hermit. It sounds silly to say, but it's definitely in the realm of possibilities.
Have any of you every gone through something similar?
Written by
WorkInProgress07
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9 Replies
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Hello and welcome!
I have not gone through a similar situation but I am glad you do have a group of friends that you can turn to for right now. If you want to make more friends your own age with closer mutual interests but you are worried about losing what you have now, how bad would it be to overlap? Can you start looking for new friendships now while you still have the other group of younger friends as well? Becoming a hermit doesn't sound silly to me because I have panic disorder with agoraphobia so I am very limited on the distance I go from my house. I too have that fear so you are not alone on that. A lot of our fears sound silly to people who don't understand mental health. Heck, my fears can be silly even to me because I know they are not realistic but that anxious feeling is VERY real.
Thank you so much for your response! This really did help. I'm the type of person that has an exaggerated emotional response, but i quickly come around when i hear the logic. Thank you for being my voice of reason this time 😊
hello 🙂 I too struggle with getting out into the world…I’ve always been this way but so much worse now since the pandemic. I’ve been questioning whether or not it’s agoraphobia. I frequently go into a full on anxiety attack every time I need to leave the house. Ugh. Anyway, I don’t have a lot of friends so it’s really difficult to motivate myself. I’ve totally become a hermit. I know that needs to change and I’m taking baby steps to do it. Reading your post was very helpful. I think what you’re describing as what fulfills your needs in terms of going out each month sounds perfect. You inspire me!
Aww thank you for the kind words. Baby steps are what it's all about in my opinion. Trying to take leaps has never worked for me. I've been trying to focus on improving one behavior or thought process at a time. Keep it up!
Hi WorkInProgress07! I believe that the Covid isolation really hit home with “potential agoraphobia people” like me. It just reinforced something we wanted to do (stay home) when we otherwise knew better. I know many people who are becoming more agoraphobic now because it was demanded of us during Covid. This has become a bad habit for many of us, myself included. It made us believe that isolation is ok and acceptable. Now, we don’t want to get out which we deeply need to make ourselves do.
Regarding your friends being 10 yrs younger: I think at 33 this would have been a problem for me too. Not that there’s anything wrong with being 23, but you’re older and wiser than they are and probably need to connect with people that better align with your age group and maturity. You will have to make an effort to find these ppl though. I’ve learned that they don’t just come knocking at your door. Try to get out and socialize, even if it’s with the younger crowd for now. Hopefully this will lead you to connections in your age group.
Lots of younger ppl here your age. Probably with better advice than I can give. I’m not a SM fan so can’t help to much in that dept. Getting out is key! Don’t allow yourself to become a hermit. Real life connections matter way more😀
Hi KellyKay. Thanks for responding. I am so happy I decided to start posting on here. You all have been wonderful during an emotionally turbulent weekend. I feel like it could have turned into a spiral but you all had some great insight 🙂
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For me this has morphed into a bit of agoraphobia. Honestly, I'm perfectly fine going out with my friends once or twice a month, seeing my family a once or twice a month, and chilling with my two cats the rest. To some people that might not seem like much. But it's the closest thing I've had to balance for a long time.
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