After a month of not cutting i give in...

[CJ2016]

So at the start of the year i was good feeling great,decided to get back into the gym eat clean etc etc,everything was going fine,and then around the 20th my mood started to go down again.

So the motivation to cook regular and exercise regular becamer a lot more difficult to do,didn't have the motivation to do anything other then either just lay in bed with headphones in or just hide away from the world all day.

Then i started eating junk food again(comfort eating) and everytime i comfort eat i hate my self for it,thus in turn makes me hate my self x 1000 so last night after eating some crappy fast food the urge to cut was greater then ever and i just give in.

Got a fresh blade and sat there for the best part of half hour trying to just let it fade away but instead i eventually i just started to cut again,my current scars were only just starting to fade as well but back to square one again.

It feel's like a crappy cycle of just up and down up and down up and down its a rollercoaster of massive f*** you's and it just flat out sucks,i hate my self for not being able to drag my self out of this pit again.

I done it all before,i lost 6 stone in 2015 after and was good up until novemberish 2016 then my moods started coming back down again and all the weight i lost i put back on and that just made me hate my self even more.

And sometimes i think it would be easier just not to eat at all,food has been a love hate relationship for years, and it just sucks,i keep everything to my self from the people around me they have their own problems.

My mother just had a pacemaker fitted but might require to have one with a defibrillator fitted because her heart is weaker then they thought,my father has MS and is slowly deteriorating.

My brother had a flesh eating bug that almost took his life in november and is set to have more surgery for it,and it's like there is me just having to watch it all happen,if there was such a thing as a past life i must of been a real sphincter because there is nothing i can do about any of it.

Then to top it off at times i act a real donkey towards them because i am having a crappy mood and bite their heads off and i feel like an ass**** after doing it.

Basically the pain of watching the people i love suffer compared to the pain of cutting my self is nothing,it sucks from the age of 18 ive had to see my father the man of the house need carers come in and use a hoist to move him from bed to chair etc.

ive had to see my mother go in and out of hospital for her heart problems,my grandfather died at age 49 from a heart attack,and his sister was 55 and just dropped dead from a heartattack.

The consultant that my mother asked me if i was interested in having my heart checked just in case there is a family condition but i said no,i honestly don't care if i die,as long as its quick,i would rather die then see the ones i care about continue to die.

I don't fear my own death i fear the death of the ones i care about i am 29 now back to being a carer for both my parents again,and the only direction my life has is being a carer for both my parents i feel once they go my life has no real meaning.

I did have a job and took a gamble to switch jobs it did not pay off but it fell around the time my mother was getting treatment so thought might as well go back to just being carers for both of them since my mother is going to require rest anyway.

But yet im just rambling on in hindsight life just sucks im 30 in 3 months got nothing to show for my life other then watching people around me suffer.

All my grandparents have died,a cousin commited suicide,my father is being overtaken by this crappy MS,my mothers heart is failing,my brother is still fighting his battle,and as for good memories they are no longer there becasue my mind just has a slide show of crappy memories.

[Hidden]

If you would like to private message me, I'm here for you! XXX

[Southernchick in reply to Hidden]

Yes I would like to private message. Unsure how to.

[CJ2016]

Thanks apperciate it x

[Hidden]

Hey, it's okay. Just breathe. I know what it's like, ok, I've been there before. Do you want to private message? If not, that's ok, but trust me, at sometime or another it gets better.

[CJ2016 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you i apperciate it

[fauxartist]

I'm very sorry your in so much pain, but if I could suggest that possibly you split the time of caring for your parents between a care giver, and on those days your not minding your parents, you can try some different outlets for yourself. I know I used to drink because I could not cope with my emotions, and had no control over the fact that being with my mother meant being subjected to emotional pain.

I took an art therapy class, it was 10.00 at a local group clinic. I saw many people in my class found expressing their emotions artistically was extremely helpful. You did not have to be talented, as the projects were not based on talent, but on exercises to help release emotion. I know you said you go in cycles, and was noticing your downward cycle seemed to start at the same time your brother also got sick, maybe that was a last straw for you at that time. I find myself isolating and curling up in a ball in the bed in the dark when I absolutely feel I have no control over anything, and can't see a way out. But I still am not reaching for the bottle, then after a while I find I am going to be okay, and I start to move around again, I'm still stressed, but I'm okay with coping for a while. I read this article, and hope you don't mind me posting it, I thought if may be helpful:

it’s important to match the solution with the reason for cutting. If cutting is a way to feel deep dark emotions, experiment with ways to feel those emotions safely: listen to music that matches how you feel, have a good cry, or write out your thoughts in a journal, even if you just write page after page of profanity in big black letters. If cutting is a way to release tension, move your body—visit a boxing gym or go for a long, pounding run.

If channeling your pain into another activity doesn’t work, simulating cutting might help. It won’t be as satisfying, but it’s safer. Squeeze ice until your hands hurt or draw on your skin with a red marker instead of cutting it.

[CJ2016 in reply to fauxartist]

For a while exercise was an outlet give that feel good factor but it does not have the same effect as first time around.

My moods have been up and down foe the last 4 years, before that it was just one constant downer now its up and down.

So much so others around me notice it and mention it and i just play it off as nothing because i have always hated attention.

I also did BJJ and kickboxing for a while but the cost and the mood just took over and i stopped going.

Othertimes i just game to escape my mind but just like everything else it only lasts so long.

I have never gone to the drs about the way i am because i just hate anything hospital or dr related.

I did buy L-Tyrosine because i read it can help with downers and what not but ive not taken them.because the side effects are kind of off putting.

[Southernchick in reply to fauxartist]

You are a gem. I would have never thought of the suggestions you gave.

One thing I have decided to try is joining some groups that get together and do very low cost things. I think there are some every where. I found a couple on meet up. It's going to be a stretch for me but I have to do something. I feel like my life is passing by without me being a participant.

[fauxartist]

I understand not liking doctors and hospitals, maybe in a less clinical environment you could go to a councillor, and if prescribed by doctor, get meds to help the ups and downs. It helped my emotional roller coaster ride, along with a positive expression of feelings like art, writing, and petting my cat strangely enough, helped me with a lot of my sadness, and feelings of my life being out of control. I also learned that I just don't have any control over life, people, places or things. I can only count on making my own choices how to deal with and cope with my stuff...some days I'm better at it than others, and some days I just take a break and re-charge my batteries.

[deea21]

Hey CJ. I feel YOU so bad that I can almost live your live. I had problems with my weight and that was the main problem that put me on track with depression. After years of trying to loose weight and gaining back ; I understood that I need to love myself and my body the way it is. That makes me accept myself the way I am , because I’m more than flesh and bones. I don’t eat anymore the same amount I did and I trained my mind to accept my flaws and understand that is the I’m different from others. I do dress up everyday different I repeat everyday 5 things I like about me: I love my lips, my hands; my eyes, my stupid mind and my waist. I always cry when I say that in the mirror and I see my big bum and my tummy and I understand I could never be a model. But in time I understood that a healthy diet help me and be active as much as I can. I know sometimes it’s hard to go to gym because of my anxiety and depression, but I try not to give up and do as much as I can. I do have cheat days but next day I get back on track. I understand that life isn’t easy for anyone but it matter how you respond to it because we all have problems, at least I lived all my life in a dramatic movie. That’s life, a continuous fighting and you will discover yourself depending how strong you are. It’s easy to give up, everyone can do that. But what if you will fight ? Why we don’t see the beautiful part ? I know it’s hard and seems almost like we aren’t created to see it. But I can see you have a mother, you are a caring person and strong enough to take care of both of your parents. Sometimes we need to be grateful for what we have. I have a friend who never met her mom and one who lived in an institution because their parents never wanted her and she always told me I need to be happy that I have my parents and love them the way they are. Life’s creepy and no matter how much we try to find out the truth about it we will never know what’s all about and it get worse. You need acceptance within yourself and love the way you are. Love your mind and that you are so strong to be a carer. You can try to get help if sometimes you feel overwhelmed and get time to spend with yourself and forget in that hour the life you have. I know cutting yourself it feels like all your problems go for a moment , but in the end you just torture your mind more than your body. Why not try to do something else when you feel to do that ? Make up or dress up and look in the mirror no matter how bad you feel. Relax, drink a glass of wine in the tub or watch a comedy movie to feel different. Change your attitude and your life and you could see the same path in a different way. I’m here for you no matter what. Big kiss and hug hun

[CJ2016]

Thanks guys apperciate the replys

[Southernchick]

I know this may sound strange but what if you gave blood instead of cutting. In a couple days I have more energy as new blood rebuilds. Bonus helping others.

Haven't you heard some fat is good and people live longer. Just have to watch the waist. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Hugs to you.

[CJ2016 in reply to Southernchick]

To be honest the sensation i get from cutting went a while ago now i feel nothing when i cut really.

I think itsnmore to do with watching the blood run down my arm or something, Ive not cut since making this post as i have kept really busy so thats helped.

And i know some fat is good but i am very self critical and i set my self a goal but when i dont achive what i set then i feel overly disappointed that ive not done what i set out to do.

[jan_ET]

i find having an interest and having a support group is essential and asking for help when you need it helps / i wish i could say more but you definitely need support - take care jan

[Southernchick]

Hi don't stop staying busy. Posting talking what ever.

I have no idea why we judge ourselves so harshly when in reality you we are good were kind were beautiful. Any person or persons that makes us feel less than that is definitely not the people to be with. In fact they actually have more problems than us. There's better things to do with your blood. Donate I do.

Doesn't really hurt. You can watch it flow right into the little bag. It rebuilds you feel great and done a great thing. Lol did I mention you get a free T shirt. Trying to throw a smile in there for you.

SC