Hello..

[Carib_flower]

Okay. First of all I live outside 1st world countries. There is a stigma here that mental health issues such as depression simply doesn't exist, and who ever claims to be depressed is doing it for attention. Its seen as shameful. So. I'm having a very terrible time. So much so that when I'm not contemplating suicide, I'm disassociating. I cope with my woes by distracting myself. If I get to thinking about my life I'll seize up and go unresponsive. What really broke the horses back is my recent break up. And now i find myself making a date with death much more often. I've been very foolish and threw every thing I had into my relationship. I've burnt bridges with disapproving family and cut off disapproving friends. I moved to the city to be nearer to him. I gave up school so i could move in with him. I denied jobs that would limit our time together. I changed my whom life around him. I gave him all of me. Recently he told me that he will be pursuing a bachelors and cannot focus on me and school, and there is no compromise. I can't go into every little detail about it because that would be a very very long post. Basically, he left me twice, for his own gain. I'm now homeless and alone, with no support system, and cannot even afford to eat. I'm quite introverted as well. So right now I'm running on auto pilot. I find myself Hoping to meet in an accident and die. I've been like this for many years. I shove it down as far as it will go, and something happens and it all bubbles over. I dont know what to do to silence my demons. Please help.

Sorry for the rant.

[Pearl67]

Oh no, Carib_Flower!!! I am so sorry you are suffering!!!! I do not know where you are, but have you checked out a shelter? A help line for your area? NAMI in your area?

I know you feel you have ruined relationships with friends and family because of this guy, but it is always worth a try to humble ourselves and reach out! Perhaps your family would be willing to help if you are really wanting them to do so.?!?!?? It is worth a try!

I see your profile says you have never sought a Dr.’s help. Perhaps this is the time. Now? They have heard it all, so do not think they will not, or cannot understand.

Please keep coming back here and checking in!

[Carib_flower in reply to Pearl67]

Thanks for replying pearl. I live in Jamaica. Shelters here are a den of diseases and rapists. I could not bring myself to go to any of those. Right now I'm staying with a family friend, and she makes it very clear that I'm an annoyance, but she won't put me out. I would reach out to family, but they literally cannot help. My mother left when I was 2, and my father doesn't have a place to live either. Hes staying at a halfway house of sorts. The health care system here is lacking and the one time I went to a free clinic the doctor looked at me with his eyebrows raised the whole time. I won't be going back. I felt stupid for going in the first place. Also I'm too ashamed to go to the doctor for an "invisible" illness. I wish there was s hotline but once when I tried I got put through to a police constable who laughed and told me to grow up. As bad as it sounds, I didnt kill myself that night so I guess it worked.

[Pearl67 in reply to Carib_flower]

Oh!!!!! My heart hurts for you!!! I really do not know what to say....

Please, please keep coming here andmaybe someone who knows more than me can hook you up with online counseling?? Do you belong to a church? Can you lean on the congregation for help?

Know that I am thinking of you, extending hope and prayers—-I know that sounds “trite,” but it is sincere

[Carib_flower in reply to Pearl67]

Thank you. I'm not a part of a church. I was never exposed to religion. I have been having a bad time with Christianity. Its very complicated. The person I'm staying with is a devout 7th day adventist, and the aunt I rejected is 7th day baptist. My ex's parents are church of god. None of them made me feel very good about accepting Christianity. Based on my experiences with them they've pushed me farther away from Christianity than before I was in contact with them. Basically all the christians i know shun or pity non believers. They say they dont understand how i can believe in nothing, but i cant understand how they believe in a spirit. But that's a story for another day.

I mean it when I say I dont belong anywhere, have no community around me, no place to fit in, and have pushed away all my friends. If its not anonymous and impersonal I honestly wouldn't reach out n say anything. I've given up really. Just existing till I die or feel better.

[Pearl67 in reply to Carib_flower]

I am so sorry that has been your experience. Humans can really botch things up! Parenting, friendships, love, work/business relationships. We are all so imperfect😩

I wish you well!!!

[LavendorTown88 in reply to Carib_flower]

I feel it too girl...hang on. I don't know how you feel about it...but I'm here you just wanna rant, okay?

☺

[Sonny216]

Dear Carib_flower,

Do not beat yourself up!!

I've done that myself. She was everything to me..little did I know how much I sacrificed..and the dark path SHE was leading me down. I was in some hypnotic trance and could not see what others saw. These people KNOW what they're doing...soul suckers.

I'm so sorry you are homeless. Please make the best decisions for you right now - make apologies to some bridges if you have to. You might find some bridges are NOT completely burnt.

Seeking shelters, or someone's couch for the night. You need assistance.

Most most MOST of all, please forgive yourself. It was a mistake..and WE ALL MAKE THEM!! starting over is never easy, but you CAN DO THIS.

Sending love and a strong warm hug for you.

X

[Carib_flower in reply to Sonny216]

Hi sonny, I'm sorry u and I share the same history of foolishness. How did u deal with the feelings of stupidity? How did you move on from her? Right now I'm very bitter. How do u go from having her as the most important person in your life to having nothing? I'm currently working at a dead end job. I'm looking for something with better pay so I can move out. I'm just 21 and I must say that adulting is really hard. Especially when u have to do it alone. I find it very difficult to forgive myself. Most of the family that I pushed away are ppl from my mothers side. She left before I could talk, and I dont know them. Its pretty complicated. Basically mom abandoned us cause she hated my womanizing father, she was young stupid and depressed. She left in the middle of the night and only came back to give birth to my brother then left again. My father didnt raise us to beg or mooch off others. I turned down an offer to live with an aunt and all of my mums home town was saying I left there to live with a man. (Which is shameful) so. I can't possibly go back now. My pride won't allow it.

Thanks for the hugs. ☺

[Sonny216 in reply to Carib_flower]

It was NOT easy. But I was determined to get her out of my heart and soul.

I first joined a support group. READ TONS of info

You might want to check this out > lovefraud.com

My ex used to seek me out, try to find me and keep me ON A String! Very evil. Shed find me at my news places of employment - mess me up to the point I'd lose my job. This is 10 years ago!!

The more I started away, the more my senses came back to me...and THAT gave me hope. I realized I had been CONNED..

I was with her for 5 years - she had a child from a previous, how evil could she be right? Wrong!

I'm PROOF that there ***IS*** life after such a Life Wrecking relationship like these. They leave you feeling like you cannot trust anyone ever again (that's been tough, still working on that) like your whole world is upside down. Like your Soul had been raped.

Just go easy with yourself, Stop blaming yourself..these people fool professionals ..they are Masters of manipulation.

Give it time. Try to meet new people, try new things..take a class. ( I took a class to learn to ride a motorcycle at Harley Davidson - I joined a bowling team...these were baby steps..and little by little..I was out from that place..Wiser..because I can sure spot those same kinds of people...now when my guts tells me something's wrong at the start, I can Trust my gut and walk away before getting involved with someone who's 'trouble'

[hypercat54]

Hi I really feel for you love but I don't know what to suggest. I can only say that you have learnt a very valuable lesson here which will stand you in good stead for the future. Never ever give your life and future into the hands of anyone else except yourself.

Your main priority at the moment is to keep yourself safe. Why not get in touch with your family and tell them what has happened? We all make mistakes so tell them that. I think you are going to need their help and support to get back on your feet again. Ok you might have to put up with them saying 'I told you so' a hundred times but I hope they will help you as well. Take care. x

[Carib_flower in reply to hypercat54]

I left a reply about my family above. Its funny, but I've been so forgiving of others and I'm told by my very few friends (only 3. And we're long distance) that I give great advise. I tell them its okay, I tell them we all make mistakes. I buy them gifts and let them cry on my shoulders. I help them get jobs. I carry them out. I do everything I'd want to be done for me. It makes me feel good. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, Ive told my best friend horrible truths, ignored calls, cut ppl off.. I totally isolate myself when I'm hurting. Idk y I do it. I hate when people see me cry. Its so embarrassing. Emotional 'support' doesn't help.. It makes me feel like a chump. I like to suffer in silence and wait for it to pass and pretend to be okay again. What I want is some financial support or advice, and a stable place to lay my head at night. All that emotional stuff will be tucked away. I cant even say the words I'm depressed out loud. Its just easier to ignore it. I will be rebuilding my life on my own this time. Maybe I'm not mental to be social. Though part of me kinda wants companionship. It can't be said that I didn't try though.

[Hidden in reply to Carib_flower]

I think your a very bright person..and you are learning from experience..I sense you have so much potential..be strong and keep moving forward..you can do anything!..don't doubt your self..

[Keedz]

Its sad that u have to deal with this all alone, hard as it may sound u now will have to fight to regain your self, try seeking out ways to find a home and food and then start from there slow steps

[Carib_flower in reply to Keedz]

That's the plan at the moment. I've started looking for better jobs, but I can't help but feel bad that I'm leaving my current one. I like the person I'm working for and dont want to just leave. With that said I really need to get out of there or get a raise so I can support myself. I still can't believe how things turned out. How can you say you love someone and just leave them with absolutely nothing? Especially since you know you're the reason they're suffering? I can't understand how a person can be so cruel. He's going to get his degree, all while having a nice warm house to live in and his highly supportive family backing him if he ever needs it. Oh and he has a good job too. And all I've got is a couch and minimum wage. I can't help but feel pathetic.

[Jsc007]

Hi Carib_flower,

You are not crazy or bad. And people are allowed to make mistakes. Don't beat yourself up about what you've done in the past. You may feel depressed, and that's ok, but this is just where you are at right now. It can get better.

Best wishes,

me.

[LavendorTown88]

Hey sorry about that. I tried to respond to your last comment and for reason it wouldn't let me....lemme try again

[LavendorTown88]

I know all about demons girl