I'm at my witz end here...
Its bad enough that I cant trust my parents with anything... I cant confide especially to my mum because its like telling everyone anyway.
Being raised to have a structured life is good..
But when your life becomes so structured that you dont have room to make friends; it'll catch up to you when you really need a friend. Animal therapy helps but it doesnt cut it.
Like I said in a previous post, I'm 28, a trans dude, separated and I have ZERO friends.
I missed all the inside jokes with friends at school, the fun memories of whatever.. I didnt get that as a kid. Instead, I got a lazy mother who didnt want to do the barn work, And the animal caretaking.. She had the capital, which I did not ask for (the guilt trips were rediculous)
I missed out on all the invites...so they stopped inviting me.
It was supposed to be a small fun hobby farm. I blame her for not treating me any better.. Shes a soon to be 65 year old lady... So what. She didnt do what she was supposed to do. Be a mother, not the lazy entitled slave driver she was.
My brothers never had chores or had to work at your own dinner parties. They sat there while I cleared there and the the rest of the families plates, then cleaned the kitchen and whatever else. Just my sister and I. And to top it all off, I had a bully father who loved targeting me.
My mum is sexest and my dads an asshole and theyre both disgusting drinkers. The second alcohol touches theyre lips, they have no regard for anyone.
God Bless them for rescung my sister and I. But FUCK man. I always asked myslf as a kid growing up, "Why was I even adopted? This really sucks."
I'm clueless when it comes to making friends. I feel very angry for my past; and I blame myself for not sticking up for myself even when I was terrified. I could have had friends, I could have gained more confidence and be moe in touch with my self.
Instead this is my reality
If Idied tomorrow, (hypothetically) no one but my families friends etc. Would show up...
Just like my wedding. Those I invited to celebrate with me didnt acknowledge my invites.( Both stag&doe and wedding)
I had friends through my now Ex's friends. But theyre gone, obviously theyre going to carry on without.
All I know is it gets harder the older you get to find trusting reliable non two faced friends... Having mental illness issues also make this very difficult.. I make bad choices all the time, I ran myself into a corner three years ago and I'm still trying to get out.
Married and divorced in the same year... I lost my wife to a- at the time a 21 year old man child who threatened suicide to my wife every second she wasnt with the man child... It apparently worked.
So I ran away, and didnt want to live in the same city as my ex who knows everyone. started snorting a lot of dope and did some serious soul searching........it helped i strangely grew up quick. But it still doesnt answer why it is SO HARD to find a nice human being.
Rant over and out.