I always felt a bit alienated from my peers growing up, and when I finally had 2 close friends in 7th and 8th grade, I moved countries. I moved here from a latam country and people here are so cold. I have tried and made some friends through high school, ended up losing them after graduating, and now at 24 I have reconnected with one, but I have a lot of social anxiety and it seems like whenever I do try and come out of my shell, and say something out loud to spike up a conversation (especially at work) people ignore me. I've been bullied by mean girls in a lot of different times of my life, and I thought that getting out of school would put an end to that, but life seems like a big high school drama no matter what, especially working in hospitality as a hostess. I feel like there's no point in being nice and trying to have connections with other women or people in general when I always get the same reaction. So I spend most of my days in bed cocooned. At least I feel safe, but I am so unfulfilled and depressed with life, I can't even bring myself to go to the gym alone, or be outside by myself and actually live life when I'm not working. It's like I'm always on fight or flight perceiving danger everywhere I go, especially when I'm alone. And people are so mean spirited. Genuinely losing hope for connections. Any tips?
Making friends is hard: I always felt a... - Anxiety and Depre...
Making friends is hard
Hi Flightfreeze, and welcome! Making friends is hard!
Do you see a therapist? I think that if I were transplanted to a new community I would look for group activities. For myself it would probably be a hiking group, or basketball, or lacrosse league, or golf league. I also like emotions anonymous for a support group for anxiety. I can go to a group and still feel pretty isolated, even making acquaintances. I feel like I have to get into sharing emotions to feel close. So at some point I think I would be forward with someone and ask them to do something one on one. That'd be kind of weird outside of dating for me but I don't see much of a way around it.
I love the book "Feeling Great" by David Burns and the Feeling Good podcast. I think there are some episodes on loneliness. I think it is wayyyyy easier to make friends if we are at least at peace with ourselves, we may not have to love ourselves, but maybe at least understand and accept and have some compassion for being the way that we are. Sorry, I don't know if this helps at all...
It is hard to make friends.
Hi LoveforAll, thank you so much for the recommendations, I love books and podcasts I will for sure check them out!
I can relate. I grew up in a house hold were everybody was older than me. And I was never baby talked as a toddler. So as a child I was a quiet but can be talkative child if it's something that I loved. Which I was usually made fun of for that. Kids thru out my school years I would connect with will move away. Of course all before social media. I made 1 friend but she was much older than me. But we got along because she came from a difficult background. But i, too, lost touch with her when she became a junior in highschool. It's only natural. Middle school was hell for me. Bullied by a teacher and boys. My anxiety and depression got so bad I was forced to leave. And doing home schooling.
I'm sorry about your experience. Yeah I totally agree with you about not leaving high school when you start working in the big world. It's still high school. You have your cliques; jocks, nerds, mean girls, pervs etc. You thought you left this world behind. But while you matured it seems everyone is stuck in the past.
I only made friends online. Down side is that most are out of my state. The one friend who was here, she's moving in May to another city. Which sucks. Because I'm trying to work on traveling long distances. I have trouble making friends were I'm at but no problem making them online.
Thank you for responding! I'm sorry you relate a lot to me, life can be lonely. Sending you hugs!
My therapist told me in our session that I needed to go where people are and start making new connections. But the issue I have is that I don't do things that my peers do lol
I don't like bars, I'm not religious, and I don't really have the liberty of going out on the weekend. Which is when most folks do things. In fact I avoid places on the weekends because it's packed with people.
All of my friends live exciting lives than me. My friends on the east Coast have a band that play in. My friend who lives in another country has a business. So I don't hear from them often.
So yeah I definitely relate. Hopefully things will get better for both of us. ❤️🫂
Maybe it's a sign to find a new hobby. I'm trying to take on biking. But the gym I go to has free classes when the membership is covered. You could potentially meet someone in a place like that. One thing I'm learning is a lot of anxiety comes from trauma and that creates fear in your gut. But I can say that a lot of people are probably just as lonely. Learn to express yourself too. Make yourself seem more approachable and in turn it will help you. I started wearing a sleeve like bandana thing in my hair that's tie dyed. I love it because it makes me feel like a hippie. Dress how you think and I bet some people might even compliment you on it for your expression. It creates a common ground. My metal shirts show that I love music and I have met some really cool people that way. Bright colors help too because you can see someone if they look like a shadow lol 😄. AND DON"T BE AFRAID TO ASK ABOUT FOLLOWING UP. Like going to the movie with them. Worse they'll do is say no or that they're busy. The mean people are usually having their own problems so they should be safely ignored.
Rock on because life will get better. Tomorrow will always be better even if it isn't. There's a day after that.
I've always got compliments on my graphic tees when I was going to Planet Fitness 😂 Mine are usually pop culture, music and movies. And when people would complement me. I would thank them but it was just a passing by compliment 😅 Like wait, stop, I want to talk to you about my shirt! 😂
Perhaps I should go back to dying my hair in colors again. I only stopped because that got expensive 🫰🏽 😂
I have my hair cut short which is a pixie. I often get confused for a guy 😂 which I find funny. But the person who makes the mistake wanders off awkwardly. I don't mind being addressed as sir. At least that's manners.
I'm approachable. I can get a conversation started. But I don't get the person long enough to be like "hey let's exchange socials?".
Im thinking of joining a gym. To get back in shape. So we'll see. 🤞🏽
Are you an artsy person by any chance? I've thought about going to shops around where I live where they offer art classes, like painting or ceramic classes. Or joining a gym that offers zumba/yoga/pilates classes. I heard that it helps frequently going to places and seeing the same people more than once, it builds familiarity and might make it easier to approach people, especially if you have something in common! I'm gonna try doing these as well. You can also msg me if you'd like!
Yes I'm an artsy person. Unfortunately I live in a donut hole by that I mean they are all far from me.
I do live nearby 2 gyms. One is a Plant Fitness and this one doesn't do classes. And the other is a gym I never been to. I don't know if they do classes. I do know they have a pool. So I'm interested in joining them just for the pool workout.
Though I was caution by my therapist that gyms may not be the best place to meet friends unless it's working towards a workout goal.
But we shall see. 🤞🏽
I'd agree with your therapist. Gym classes is where my thinking sits. Also expressing self is very important. When I was in 8th grade I started doing that. I healed a ton from Childhood trauma. But my parents were old and wanted to travel the country and reversed pretty much all that healing. Than I really regressed after they kicked me out at 18. It was the straw that exploded. After that my attempt at expression stopped. I became bland and closed off. It helps to show the opposite. Bright colors, rings, tattoos, etc. if you fear wearing it and it makes you feel good when you do wear it. Wear it.
It complete honestly though the living I go by is. Internal anxious fear is wrong. What my thinking says on the understanding side of this is more accurate. At least until i get more comfortable around what I fear.
Baby steps are great. For me I told one person how I've felt and been doing that out of my friends group. Than I told the whole thing. Another good way to start a conversation and to tell someone how you feel is clearing the water so to speak. Let them know how anxious you are from the situation. You could be completely blowing it out of the water and they could just be totally fine with your presence.
Hi Flightfreeze!
I'm just over twice your age and in my life I don't experience this much. I have a very small group of friends, we don't see each other that often but these are friends from high school. On social media I've connected with a few old friends but all of us are long distances from each other.
I worked in a restaurant in the 80's when I was in my teens. Again, I know that's ages past LOL, and I think kids/people were different, probably because of a lack of social media. We were one giant family. I started there just before my 16th birthday and between the new people I met working there and my best friend started just after me, the whole group no matter age or background, we were friends. We went to parties together, hung out outside of work, and a few of us still talk now and again. Same with school for me, friends came and went but much less bullying in general I think.
You mention you don't even want to go outside alone. I suggest, though a little weird, but go to your local cemeteries and walk. I love history and that's how I see cemeteries. To wonder how those people lived during the 1700's-early 20th century. You could even write down or take pictures of a few people and try to research them.
Another option, depending on where you live, is one of the many national parks or historic sites. Yes, still might be alone or you might meet someone with an interest in that area-could be Civil War, Revolutionary War, etc. that might get you excited about learning more.
A very wild and "out there" thought is join an organization that maybe you could become interested in. My example is finding any one of the many fraternal organizations that have auxiliaries (which are usually more female, I'm male BTW) like the Sons of Union Veterans of the Civil War (I'm a member), Sons of the American Revolution, Sons of Confederate Veterans. All of them have auxiliary organizations that help in the activities of the main organization.
Volunteer at your local library, youth center, senior center, etc.
Always will to talk if you want any information on the fraternal organizations 
Take care!!
Hey metalminded! Love your username btw lol. Thank you for your input, I will definitely look into some support groups around me. I also liked your suggestion to do some research at a cemetery, it is unusual but not far fetched that looking at other people's lives might be interesting and even open my mind to new perspectives.
Hi Flightfreeze!
Thank you! I’ve been using that name for a long time! It comes from my love of metal music 🤟
The best thing about cemeteries is the peace and serenity you’ll feel while exploring. And, you may learn a perspective that may help you in your journey.
If nothing else, it may help clear your mind and hopefully relax you 😊
are you in counseling? Meds? Support system?Anxiety can be very debilitating- don’t be so hard on yourself
Perhaps join a class at a rec center, or walking club, or something that you like/interested in
Then those people have the same interest - like art, bike riding, tennis etc etc
Start small and work your way each day
Support groups are good too
Esp ones at churches where you’ll meet people your own age in a caring environment
Hang in there
One day at a time
There is hope 🌼☀️🌸
Hi Mamabear! I am in therapy, just started again. Taking meds as well. Thank you for your kind words and suggestions, they help a lot!
feel free to reach out anytime
I’ve lived with depression/anxiety since I was a child
I’ve learned over the years how to cope
It’s not a curable illness
But it’s definitely manageable
Hope you are having a good day today
☀️🌸🍓
Hiya! I knwo it's not much, but I can offer hopefully a small sense of community- I grew up in England 1-4, then Abudhabi 4-9 then back to England since, so it's not exactly like you but I do understand having to move just after you make friends. I also understand feeling like that as I was also subjected to some forms of bullying. I'd say you're not alone, although I know from personal experience that won't do anything. My biggest tip is so connect with yourself- I don't know if it's a bad thing but when I look inwards it's like a second person inside of me with how complex it all is, and it helps me feel less alone remembering that. It's not that much I can offer lol, and it doesn't help completely but if I didn't create that little world inside of me I would be pretty lost right now, so I hope it might bring that to you as well. I am always here if you need to talk or anything, even as strangers!
Hello,I totally can understand. I experienced neglect at a young age due to my mother being diagnosed with lupus when I was born. I was in a family of 8 siblings with 6 brothers in one house when I was under 5. All teenagers except for my 2 youngest brothers. I the absolute youngest. I basically got alienated. I tried to get help from what I feel growing up. But I had to take care and learn my entire life because I thought it was normal. Nope turns out it was just trauma from my family because everyone was angry. I'm 100% certain I have childhood PTSD from that time. Only got worse later in my life. I was growing out of it in middle school. But my parents decided they were elderly and travel the country. They had me at like 45 years old. My life too them was an after thought. After failing to raise me properly. I had to take care of myself. For them to, put me right back into isolation. I didn't even know it was my worse fear. I went through pretty much a year of anxiety, disacociation, panic, anger. I am pretty sure I have a PTSD trigger from that. Except its vivid compared too the emotional flashbacks. I actually have an exact line of reactions. Anger, panic, confusion, fear, crying, than derealization. The absolute lonely pit that back room in the trailer haunts me. I went a whole year like that. Got the point too where I couldn't really feel anything. Communication was impossible. Literally felt like I could trust no one too listen to me. So why try. That stuff is nasty and I never knew the human brain could do that. Recently though I am coming to realization and processing all that happenend. Loneliness, isolation, separation, and not having anyone to go too sucks. In fact if you feel like you're in fight or flight all the time. Thats part of what I went through and I can understand the pain. You should definitely see a therapist about it. Personally I think you might have some unresolved trauma in your life. But what I will say is. Despite whats happened you've made it all these years. Take what you formed of yourself. Who you are, passion, things you love to do, and anything really. Don't be afraid to express it. Anyone else that makes other people miserable by hurting them are probably miserable themselves. Move on and tell yourself that because at the end of the day they did nothing with their lives by insulting you.
Feelings of isolation no one should experience. System of a Down said it best, ban the lonely days. It's changed my world view. I use to have so much hate. But now recently it's just free emptiness as if my life started again. Especially since I can't really remember my childhood since I was always alone moving constantly. My head has gotten comfortable, no more can that be.
I personally have so much regrets not opening up to people. Keep spending time with that person you reconnected with and don't be afraid to keep trying. Worse thing to happen when you ask someone is the answer no. If its worse, than they have the problem and should be ignored.
Much love to you, I hope you do better here soon.
Rock on,
MetalEnjoyer
Thank you MetalEnjoyer. Your story was both sad and beautiful to read, because I relate to some of your thoughts. Especially the one about being angry all the time. Tell me, did you also have a phase where it felt like you disliked/distrusted every human you came across with? I appreciate your honesty, and you're right. Hurt people hurt people, and usually they ARE miserable themselves. But it is so hard to be rational about that when you feel like life keeps handing you shitty cards and you're not doing good in your own mind. It feels unfair that people get to treat others like shit on top of that lol.
Hugs to you! I also hope you're feeling better.
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