I know I’ve mentioned a thousand times how I am frustrated and depressed with the ups and downs and lack of progress I’ve had in trying to get better. I’m seeking treatment for ptsd and general anxiety but the fact that I can’t live the way I used to anymore depresses me. I feel physically sick all of the time with weakness, lightheadedness and nausea. I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to quit my job and I hate that I’ve lost my independence. I thrived off of being able to provide for myself and help out my parents as needed (I still live at home). I felt great finally being able to give back. But I’m losing it all.
One day I’ll be able to go out and face the world and other days I’m terrified and I can’t leave the house. I don’t know what to do anymore. I wouldn’t say that I’m suicidal but sometimes I wonder if I’ll be able to take life like this years from now. My doctor gave me remeron to try but I’m scared to even take those because I’ve had such bad reactions to other antidepressants that I feel so close to giving up on trying and just becoming a hermit and a failure.
Over the past two months I’ve made so much progress without antidepressants and I had almost been to the point where I almost didn’t need xanax anymore and this past week or two my doctor gave me vistaril to try to see if I can finally get myself off xanax completely but it did absolutely nothing for me and I feel like nothing will ever truly work out for me.
I feel like I’ve tried getting out of my comfort zone, exercise, medication, meditating, prayer, finding a creative outlet/hobby and seeing a therapist once a week and my psychiatrist once a week. I feel like the more I try the harder I fail. I’m extremely frustrated and am tired of feeling like a weak crybaby and not being able to enjoy the time I have with my family and boyfriend. I miss being able to work or even drive. I miss being able to grocery shop and spend time with my mother and have girl time but I feel ragged and miserable both physically and mentally.