Hi all , I've joined today in the hopes I can help myself and build some new friendships. I think I'm going through a break down of sorts ( crying constantly for last few days amongst other symptoms).
I'm in my 40s , been divorced for over 12 years from an abusive marriage , I've just split two months ago from my now ex fiance. My relationships have been a way in which I've shown how I feel about myself in a sense , low self esteem , low self worth ,codependent and people pleaser. I've allowed myself to be walked over and accepting of some very bad treatment whilst living in constant worry. I know I'm tp blame for allowing it
Right now it seems everything has hit me, my children have grown up , I've been diagnosed with endometriosis , I'm very lonely and I don't really have any close friends and right now I'm more and more anxious to leave the house and I tend not until I need to shop.
I'm on anti anxiety medication and have been for over 20 years.
Thank you for letting me vent
Written by
Needaholiday101
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Welcome.... and many of us understand about building up from living with low-self esteem and finding a way to love ourselves....put up boundaries....and have the self respect we deserve. Often it takes not being in relationships to begin with so you can be focused on yourself and start finding those root causes of why we felt that way and why many of us here still battle with it. Mine was child abuse and trauma, as well as living with the resulting CPTSD from it, I also inherited the depression that has run in my family for generations. Abandonment issues caused the majority of my self worth issues. All of these things took a lot of therapy and reading, and groups, and sites like this to start the healing. It's a life long work in progress....and I am glad your here, there are lots of very kind people.
Thank you so much for your reply. Right now I want to pull myself together and stop being a blubbering mess. Yesterday I tried so hard to get it together and was productive and held back the tears then in the afternoon I just broke down. Thank you for listening
I think it's really okay to be getting all that stuff out.... sometimes after years of holding stuff in, it just comes out....all over the place...and that's good...and when your ready, you will move forward with what your comfortable with working on. I don't know if you have a therapist, it's becoming more difficult for most....but any support groups can be resources to start understanding all this stuff.... Sharing here is also a great tool, writing is cathartic, and having a place like this with people who understand is really healing.
Thank you so much. I have had counselling but I've never found that it had worked for me . I've done cbt and it's something I put in to practise. Anything other than that I've not done and I can't afford any real therapy .
I'm sorry the counseling you have had is not helping you.
A lot of times past traumas can cause us to be people pleasers and accept negative behaviors from others. I'm not sure if that's the case for you.
Maybe you could check out some you tubes on co dependency, people pleasing etc. There are many things out there not that you might be able to benifit from
Great idea. I am thinking of maybe joining codependentcy anon online as no groups are near me but am trying to get up the courage.
Absolutely past trauma has led me to be a people pleaser. As a child and even still I would think about if I can make everyone OK then I can be at peace and there will be peace. I would catastrophise about situations as I felt that if I did that it would help the worst case from happening or that it helped me be prepared.
I'm a sensitive person I always have been and little things that people would brush off with no issue I still think of now and let those things validate who I am.
I have noticed that I feel at times resentful when I've been there for people and then when I need them I hear nothing. I hate feeling that.
The on line support group sounds like a great place to start.
Being here among people that understand will be very helpful to you
Sending hugs. Don't beat yourself up. It takes two to wreck a relationship, as my ex once said to me. Mind you he had done something outrageous to break us up. 🤔
Thank you so much. I meant I am responsible for letting some treat me so badly. My last relationship my ex would put zero effort so I would try and over compensate and he was / is a functionaling alcoholic. I felt very single in the relationship and I went from spending more time at home because he never wanted to go anywhere and so I've lost my confidence in going places.
Welcome! Many of us are working out difficult relationships in our past. There are a lot of people who really understand. Don't be afraid to let it all out if you feel the need. There's always someone on to listen to you. We are from all over the world do many time zones😊
Thank you so much. I have been letting it out and it feels good to not only have someone listen but to advise and share along that to me makes all the difference
Hello, my love. I'm so glad you've joined this community - you already have many friends here who care for you and want to support you.I really empathise with your life story - that was/is me. Firstly, I've found this community so helpful and supportive. As someone who lives alone, I feel I have many friends here!
You mentioned that therapy didn't work for you. I had many disastrous experiences, but it all depends on the therapist and how well you work together. I also live in the UK and can't afford therapy, but have had free therapy by being referred.by a doctor. Also, when I was really ill, and they said they couldn't give me therapy because I was too ill, I went to a church that had a counselling centre attached and had successful therapy there - free ( although they accepted donations).
Regarding relationships, I'd steer clear of getting involved for the time being, unless it's just friendship, and concentrate on loving YOU and building up your self-esteem. Remember - you're not alone - we are all here for you! xxx
Thank you so much for sharing and reaching out. Great idea about the church. I was referred to a talking therapy by my gp after asking and they were nice I felt I needed more input than just a listening ear if that .ales sense.
I'm steering clear of relationships for a long while as I need to break my own patterns and learn to love and respect myself because I can't find Mr right by being my own Mrs wrong. Xx
Hi. I also have allowed people to walk all over me. My ex-husband verbally abused me and threw things at me. With his anger and temper tantrums I could tell it may have been leading to more. He punched a hole in a door when we were arguing and was screaming at me. One of his favorite things to do was to put me down. He was cruel. I started to hate him for the things he said to me and for the things he threw at me. I could tell that may lead to him physically harming me. So, one day when he was at work, I packed my things and brought my cats and went to my parent's house. They had no idea things were so bad between us and when I told them they were angry. That was all many years ago and him and I are now divorced. We did not have any kids just 2 cats that I brought with me.
I am also on this site to hopefully find friends. I want to meet new people and have others to talk to.
I'm proud of you for putting you first. I think it does escalate. I didn't have the strength to leave my ex husband so when he cheated and left I was so thankful. Not many people understand that part. My fiance whom I split with two months ago I asked him to move out and still be together then I took a stand and asked that he respect me and make an effort and he didn't and so I went no contact and so did he then he demanded to get his things and for me to put it on the drive. I did but I said I would be out. He tried a few tactics to try and make me upset and provoke a reaction but I didn't. I'm proud the way I have handled it.
With you did you find that you were/ are good at hiding how you really feel to make others feel better?
Yes, I do think I am good at hiding how I really feel about things or what people say in order to make others feel better. I try hard to hide it and that may be part of the problem. If I would have told my parents what was going on, I could maybe have left him sooner. But I finally gave up and started to hate him for the things he said and did and so I left him. I packed my bags and crabbed my 2 cats and left. I later went back for the rest of my stuff. I was too kind though to him after that. I chose not to collect alimony from him. I still somewhat cared about him a little too much still and chose not to collect any money from him. I just gathered my stuff and left and did a simple divorce. Luckily there was no house or kids, but I made a deal with him. I said that I get my two cats and if he were to try to fight me on who get them, then I would take him for everything he has. I said that because I had so much love for my cats. I loved those cats more than him in the end.
Good for you. You acted that kind way to him because your a good person. I don't want to cast ideas as I don't know you but these volatile people are attracted to kind souls. It's weird coming out of a relationship that you were so ready for it to be over. I think for awhile I was worried I wasn't grieving the relationship but I think I had done that whilst I was still in the relationship. I was worried about him but he then got very nasty for no reason and decided to mess with smart home tech it was very creepy
That is so true that I was ready for it to be over and perhaps you were too with your relationship. I missed him in some sick way a little after. But it was only the very rare good times I missed it was not actually him I missed. He was a very mean person during most of our years together. I should never have married him. I was being stupid wanting a future I would never have. I think people like me and you crave those good times so much after a while that we are a little willing to deal with the consequences in some weird way. Him and I didn't have very many good times at all especially in our final years together. He refused to spend money even a little for him and I but was always more than willing to spend in going out with his friend. He complained all the time saying he felt obligated to even buy me Christmas presents each year. It was those rare good times that I craved and that was probably why I even delt with him as long as I did.
That is messed up your ex messed with your home tech.
We never really went anywhere or did anything I would have to pay and even then he wouldn't want to do things half the time. Going for a meal was in his word " waste of money" as an example. My last birthday i went on holiday which he didn't come as he doesn't travel abroad and so he messaged me on my birthday and said oh I tried ordering you flowers there but couldn't find anywhere but shall I send money sp you can get a cake ( no thought behind it or effort). One Christmas was a dvd of something we had on netflix just no thought at all. I'm more a I'd rather have something that costs very little or indeed free if its from the heart
I agree that even if it was free as long as it was from the heart. Alex never really thought about the gifts. I had to tell him exactly what I wanted and even then, he would still complain. He hated buying me gifts or spending any money on me. And he made sure I knew when he had to spend more money. One of the only times he bought me flowers he made sure I knew how much they cost.
Needaholiday101 welcome to the 24/7 support forum. I’m truly sorry to hear about your situation but glad you came to the right place.
I’m like you - A newbie who is 3 days old. I’m sure you will find some support and comfort from some lovely people on this forum. I’m sensing the community spirit already and I am sure you will too.
I’m wishing you the very best in your mental health positive transformative journey .
Hi and no more tears for yourself, your a strong person obviously. I'm glad you took control of what had control over you albeit it was a long struggle, but more you have the opportunity to know yourself and that IS where strength, power, and happiness resides. You had to find and realize like everyone else that those things are YOUR CHOICE. Let's focus on that, You decide who you respond react or interact with you must know that YOU DON'T HAVE TO. This can come at cost but you regain your power, peace, and strength through this. You are not available to Everyone, and when You CHOOSE to share your compassion, theories, eccentricities, and ask that makes you YOU, be mindful that people may Not reciprocate. Love yourself use the IAM which is God's name and direct access to the divine in you, repeat IAM healthy, IAM strong, IAM turning on my healing cells to expel all Dis-Ease in my body. Positive affirmation works my friend. Try it on the morning in the mirror, throughout the day but you must speak it aloud, the vibration of your voice is powerful. Be Well Sista.😇
Thank you so much that means so very much to me. I will be doing the affirmations that's for sure as I'm ready to get to the real me. I appreciate you and look forward to seeing you here. I need this
You are most welcome I must say it is Awesome that there is a space for us ALL to vent discuss, pontificate if we like🤣 and support each other no matter the challenge. Because life is challenging on is own as an individual, to allow others to indulge in Your experience is colossal, and I say that because we DO allow others to judge, influence, manipulate, love, and do all manner of good and bad things to us only because WE don't realize that WE DON'T HAVE TO participate. However we do, because that is how we experience the plethora of emotions we are capable of. Fear Not you are definitely built for this, we all are, your experience is exclusive to you cuz there's only 1 you, Rock dat ish like u own it because you Do. 1luv.
Key word you said ENERGY, you control that with your thoughts and manifest it with your voice, but you gotta know it, not believe it for to believe it is Not to know it. Ya can't believe in something you do not know. Like I know I was holding a cup of coffee because I have validation on sight sound and touch, I think to ask someone to believe in something so serious as a creator or place in the sky when u know there is no proof of is highly questionable at the least. I rant now "in all scripture the writer conveys that the savior, christ, God, Allah, Mahdi, is IN YOU. Proof is You see yourself, You heal yourself, You determine success or failure through YOUR plans and activities, the creator have YOU choice, that's the blessing IJS, why believe when you can KNOW. END rant😇😅😅😅
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