Hopeless

[firedancer64]

Hi I’m new here. I’m grateful for online support groups as I suffer with my symptoms & problems everyday alone in silence. I’ve been “unwell” since my teens & have only gotten worse over the years. I have 6 grown children & 19 grandchildren. I’ve reached out to my family for help & support but I’m made to feel like a burden & I think everyone is just tired of me being sick with fibromyalgia, PTSD, anxiety & depression. Some days I just don’t want to wake up. This life is crushing me & I feel paralyzed & hopeless.

[-Joyful-]

You’re not alone. We’re here as a community, to support each other. What you feel is understandable and even relatable. Hey, if you need help, just don’t be afraid to ask for it.

[firedancer64 in reply to -Joyful-]

Thank you.. gentle hugs

[Ragdoll15]

I can relate somewhat to what you are going through. I have had depression for a good part of my life. I was on an antidepressant for many years but had to stop it due to other medical reasons and since then I have suffered badly with anxiety and depression. I was so bad a few months ago that I agreed to go into hospital for a while. Anyway my daughter just cannot accept how I am feeling. She will not even talk about it. However, the real reason is that she is scared and friends have told me that when I was in hospital she was so very upset and kept saying that she wants her mum back the way she was. She is an adult herself with a son. The trouble is people don't know how to react to someone with depression because there has always been a stigma attached to it. So maybe this is how your family feel they Could be scared that it is hereditary. What I do now when I see my daughter is put on an act even though I am feeling terrible. I think some days I deserve an Oscar because it is so hard. I do hope you can work things out with your family. Have you tried any antidepressants?

[firedancer64 in reply to Ragdoll15]

Thank you for replying. I’ve been on just about every anti-depressant & anti-anxiety med on the market since I was 15. I’ve also been on muscle relaxers, off & on Lyrica & Cymbalta for Fibromyalgia. Different meds for PTSD, migraines & insomnia. Sooo many side effects with these different meds. Tired of taking pills but I can’t even begin my day without taking my Klonopin or else I’m an anxious shaking mess. I don’t feel like the Cymbalta is helping my depression or my Fibro. I too wear the fake happy mask to make everyone think “I’m okay”... but I’m not okay. I feel like I’m just existing & waiting for life to be done & over with. Life is so exhausting...

[Ragdoll15 in reply to firedancer64]

Maybe you should see your doctor and ask him to review your medication. It could be that some of the pills are working against one another. I too am very sensitive to medication and have had nasty side effects. I can't see the point of taking anything that does not help you. Remember we are all here for you.

[firedancer64 in reply to Ragdoll15]

@ward146 I think all of these meds have just lost their effectiveness & I believe that I live in an environment that’s just too chaotic & stressful for me to ever be well. I want to close my eyes and wake up anywhere but here!... thank you for caring. Gentle hugs 💜

[lovetodance2018]

I am sorry you are struggling. I am so glad you reached out of this forum. It is a safe place to share, know you are not alone, and that we are here to love, care, support, and comfort one another. Are you currently getting help? Are you seeing a counselor? Do you take medication for your depression and anxiety? Are you in any other support groups. As for family members, I have found they need to be educated about depression and anxiety, that they are real diseases. Here is a great link that provide insight for our loved ones on what you are struggling with. bit.ly/2wLhaLE It also provides some ideas on how they can support you. So often we think we are a burden when that is our thoughts not our loved ones. They just want to know how they can help and feel helpless.

I will be praying for you. Please continue to reach out here. We love you and we care. Much Love and Hugs! God Bless!

[firedancer64 in reply to lovetodance2018]

Thank you for caring.. but it’s been made known to me that my illness is seen as a sign of weakness.. so I pretend to be ok & keep my pain, trauma & suffering silently inside the shell of a person that I’ve become. So much has happened to me.. excessive merciless child abuse, parental neglect, abusive spouses, torture, multiple rapes... but I’m still here battling to get up everyday & survive for the sake of my 19 grandchildren that say they need me. The Creator has a plan for me... He knows best & I know that He doesn’t place a burden on us greater than we can bear... but I’m a total mess & I feel so insignificant. Just want this life to be over. Thank you for letting me vent. Much love & gentle hugs.

[lovetodance2018 in reply to firedancer64]

I am so sorry you were told that your illness is a sign of weakness. That is not true. Even the strongest person can struggle with depression and anxiety. The worse thing you can do for yourself is keep things inside. That is how depression and anxiety worsen. It sounds like you have had horrible abusive situations in your life. Just reading it makes me feel so sad. No wonder you are struggling. Those past hurts have to be dealt with so you can be free from the burdens of the past. They don't define you - don't allow them to. Have you seen a counselor about all the abuse you dealt with through your life? I encourage you to take baby steps and deal with one horrible experience at a time. This article is very helpful in explaining steps of dealing with the past and then being free from it hurting you ever again. bit.ly/2IebBeb

I love that you wrote Our wonderful Creator does have a plan for your life. He does know best, He doesn't want us to suffer, we need to put our burdens on Him because He loves us so much and cares about us so much. Don't let your feelings take over, hold on to the truth. Read the scriptures all His truths are their. Don't let the lies of the world tell you anything else. There is an amazing bible study called Breaking Free by Beth Moore. She has youtube videos that take you through each session. bit.ly/2SxNiMU You can also buy the study in book form. bit.ly/2E7KUDP She had a lot of abuse growing up, but she goes through the steps to break free from the bondage that is holding us back from truly experiencing God loves, peace, and joy. I hope you will take time to listen to the session and follow along in the study. It made such a difference in my life. My prayers are with you. Please continue to keep in touch. You are welcome to pm me any time if you want to chat. Blessings and Hugs coming your way.

[firedancer64 in reply to lovetodance2018]

@lovetodance2018 Thank you for your kind words & the links. I will definitely look into them. You all are amazing & a Godsend.. truly appreciate the care, concern & beneficial advice I’m receiving. Everyday is a battle just to get out of bed, bathe, do chores etc. I suffer terribly with fatigue along with the chronic pain. Yes baby steps are what I’m trying to do.. some days are better than others as most days I just honestly don’t care. I have all of these negative ugly images that invade my mind ... graphic scenes constantly reminding me I’ve what I’ve endured. It brings on my panic attacks, my heart races, I get very fearful, never feel safe & rarely leave the house. But I’m still here & I’m trying to battle the illness & all of the terrible memories for the sake of my precious grandchildren whom I adore from my soul! But this recent disgusting rape last week by my own cousin.. someone I thought loved me & I could trust.. I thought I was safe... he’s caused me to have a major setback from what little work I’d accomplished. I’m trying to get past the guilt, disgust & shame. My family notices there’s something different.. more than my normal unwellness. I just keep saying I’m fine.. it’s just the weather. All I can think of is how yet another man gets away with violating me & I’m back to having terrible nightmares. I can’t share this with anyone because I just know it’ll be implied to me that I brought it on myself. I don’t need to hear that mess as I’m already beating myself up enough. I can’t shower, scrub & get clean enough to wash his filth off of me. :-(. Trying sooo hard not to give in to the temptation of overdosing .. again. But I have the accursed devil constantly whispering to my heart “today is a good day to die!” Please pardon me for my morbid & depressing words as I truly hate to bring others down. This is my battle.. but I truly appreciate the lifeline you all have tossed me as I feel as if I’m drowning fast. Thank you for letting me vent out some pain.. much love & gentle hugs💜

[lovetodance2018 in reply to firedancer64]

As you can see you are not alone, please continue to reach out here. I do recommend you seek counseling. This is the best way to learn to cope and get past ptsd. Did you mention that you were raped last week by your cousin? That is horrible. I would recommend you consider contacting the authorities. It is not right to be violated by anyone, but especially a family member. Here are some support groups to help those who have dealt with abuse. bit.ly/2iQkGKg

I will continue to keep you in my prayers. If you ever need to chat feel free to pm me. God Bless!

[firedancer64 in reply to lovetodance2018]

@lovetodance2018 Thank you for you words of comfort & support. I can’t bring myself to go to the police as I’m too embarrassed to be the talk of the family. Thank you very much for the link for the support group. Gentle hugs 💜

[Agora1]

firedancer64, that's quite a dramatic picture you posted. No longer do you have to

suffer in silence. I welcome you to this amazing forum, which will be a safe place for

you to come to when feeling hopeless and overwhelmed. Were you ever in therapy

back in your teens when this all started? If you have been carrying around your stress

throughout the years it couldn't help but go from mental health issues into Fibro.

I too have Fibro which developed after intense anxiety and stress. The body eventually

responds to the mental stress in our lives in the way our muscles are held so tense

and tight. Sleep is disrupted causing us not to go into REM restorative sleep. It's a

painful disorder that can be addressed not with pain medication but stress relief.

I'm glad you are here so that you can take that mask off and be yourself on this site.

We understand, we support and we care.

I totally understand that you feel paralyzed in not knowing which way the road will take

you. You've come to a fork in the road and want to take the easier path in running away.

But that's not the answer since you can't run away from yourself. Hoping that you talk

this over with a professional as well as share your journey with others on the forum going

through the same emotions and pain. Sending you a gentle hug. From another Fibro mite. xx

[firedancer64 in reply to Agora1]

@Agora1 ... yes I’ve been in & out of therapy over the years. After a traumatic rape, I spent a year in the Crime Treatment Victims Center. None of the “talk therapy “ has ever been beneficial for me as I always leave the office feeling worse, crying, exposed, ashamed & judged. I have serious trust issues.. it’s especially hard for me to open up when negative comments are made or so called therapists are placing labels on me making me feel like I brought everything that’s happened to me on myself. I’m seeing a psychiatrist now.. once a month.. we have a brief 30 minute session but he basically sees me for my prescriptions. I feel so broken, damaged, existing but not living. I try to be very supportive for my children & 19 grands in a way that no one was ever there for me. It’s so exhausting pretending to be “okay”... saying I’m fine.. when I’m not!

Thank you for listening & caring. Much love, appreciation & gentle hugs 💜

[Agora1 in reply to firedancer64]

I'm so sorry firedancer in all you've been through in your life. It brings me to tears in

thinking of what your emotional pain has been like all these years. I am not a therapist

and can't give you professional advice. I wish I could take away your pain. I can only, as others on this forum, support you and care about you. Most of all I wish you peace

of mind, heart and spirit. Gentle hugs from the heart. xx

[firedancer64 in reply to Agora1]

@Agora1 believe me.. just having the empathy, support & being able to let out some of the pain.. to be able to say “something traumatic & terrible happened to me” & having people genuinely care means the world to me.. as it’s something I’ve never had. I was either not believed or told “that’s life.. others have it worse”.. my own mother used to say “been there done that” & “you’re not unique!” Hurt my heart & I began to believe that I’m just weak as I was always told & should just be able to bear whatever happens to me. I’ve made countless attempts to take my life & to my dismay after 3 days I still woke up to this miserable life disappointed & all I could say was “damn .. I’m still here!”

Other than online forums all that I have is my psychiatrist that I carefully share things with as I’m so embarrassed, ashamed & talking about it reminds me that it’s actually “real” & my stomach tied in knots then I begin to cry profusely. Hate leaving his office, passing patients in the waiting room with swollen eyes. Thank you.. thank you all just for listening, caring & your support. Bless you, much love & gentle hugs. 💜

[Agora1 in reply to firedancer64]

We're always here for each other. Only a message away. xx

[firedancer64 in reply to Agora1]

@Agora1 Thank you .. hugs 💜

[lovetodance2018 in reply to firedancer64]

Firedancer64 my heart continues to go out to you. I have been praying for you. My thoughts are with you. Most importantly you have nothing to be ashamed about. This it is not your fault. You were a victim. The support groups I suggested before are Christian support groups. bit.ly/2iQkGKg I think that will be helpful for you. Here too is a podcast of someone who has gone through rape and how to heal from the pain and trauma. bit.ly/2DQXQg4 Just know God loves you. He does not want you to suffer. It is important you heal from the pain of the past to move forward. There are two amazing ladies who have gone through sexual abuse and now are incredible Christian speakers and authors: Joyce Meyers and Beth Moore. Here are there testimonies on YouTube. bit.ly/2GwdPUE bit.ly/2V5cEyQ They might be an encouragement to you. They are for me. I will continue to pray for you and please let me know if you ever need to chat one on one. Lots of Hugs and Blessings!

[firedancer64]

Lovetodance2018 thank you so much for your kind words, support & friendship. I appreciate the links. Thank you for sharing. Right now I’m just so terribly depressed, unable to get out of my bed & terrified to leave my house. I know I must go see a Dr & be examined & tested... I’m working up the courage to go to a hospital. Many blessings & hugs to you as well.

[lovetodance2018 in reply to firedancer64]

Please keep me posted my friend. It is so important that you get the help you need when you are so depressed. Please at least call someone. This link has support groups you can talk to. bit.ly/2xrHObw I will be praying you make it to the doctors. Can someone a friend or neighbor help get you there? I will continue to be praying for you. Hugs!

[firedancer64 in reply to lovetodance2018]

I haven’t told anyone other than a girlfriend that lives in another borough.. haven’t heard back from her since. Also told my sister-in-law that lives in VA. Only ones I trust.. & this forum. I don’t want to be the talk of the gossiping family. I’m ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated, an emotional wreck .. sometimes crying.. other moments I’m just numb. I’m trying to work up the courage to call a cab to take myself to the ER. I’m constantly showering & scrubbing myself. I feel so filthy & disgusting. My cousin keeps trying to apologize & says that HE just wants to put it behind us. That’s easy for him to say. I can’t bring myself to forgive him. I’m to angry, hurt & confused. Everyone keeps asking me what’s wrong? I just tell them that I’m in a lot of pain because of my fibromyalgia. I just want to go to sleep & never wake up.

[firedancer64 in reply to lovetodance2018]

Thank you so much for your kind, caring words, links & support. God bless you.. love the hugs! Gentle hugs to you dear friend!

[lovetodance2018 in reply to firedancer64]

Please know you can write me anytime. I will continue to be praying for you. Please do seek professional counseling. You can pm me too. Please keep me posted on how you are doing. HUGS!

[firedancer64 in reply to lovetodance2018]

Thank you so much for caring. I appreciate the support. I’m hoping to make it to Planned Parenting tomorrow. Very anxious. I have been keeping in touch with my psychiatrist and I have an appointment with him on Wednesday. This whole thing seems so surreal. I’m struggling to keep my mind off of the events but I know I need to let it out. Sometimes talking about it feels like I’m dwelling and it makes me more depressed. I just don’t know how to move forward. This is going to stay with me forever. Thank you for listening. Gentle hugs 💜

[firedancer64 in reply to lovetodance2018]

Please pardon my ignorance.. but what does “PM” you mean please?

Fyi.. I mustered up the strength & courage to take a cab to the ER today. They’ve done labs & pelvic exam. I’m waiting on tests results, meds & I forget how many other things I have to wait on. At least I’m finally out of that miserable procedure room.. dressed & sitting by the nurses station waiting for whatever comes next. Said they’re supposed to be doing Rapid HIV swab. Still waiting. Thank you for your friendship & caring about me. I’ve broken down & cried countless times since I’ve arrived. I’m so embarrassed. I feel like I’m being judged & penalized for not coming in sooner. Sooo tire of telling so many staff members my story. I’ve been here almost 4 hours now, haven’t eaten all day & I’m exhausted. Gentle hugs.. 💜

Please forgive my selfishness..

HOW ARE YOU???? Please share! 💋

[lovetodance2018 in reply to firedancer64]

I am glad you went to the hospital and having things checked out. I can’t imagine how hard it was to go. The people at the hospital are there to help you, not judge you. PM means private message. I am glad you are going to therapy. Yes, you do need to talk about what happened and find ways to heal and cope. You can pm me if you need someone to listen. I will be praying for your healing and that you can stop feeling ashamed. It was not your fault and you were the victim. You are special person and I am so sad you went through such a terrible experience. Lots of Hugs!!! Please continue to keep in touch.

[firedancer64 in reply to lovetodance2018]

It was definitely a challenging day. I have go back on Monday for a follow up. Anxious to get test results. Thank you for caring. You’re amazing & appreciated.

Gentle hugs! 💜

[lovetodance2018]

I will be praying for you today. I am here for you if you want to share anything about the test results or just how you are doing in general. I am so proud of you for taking the steps to getting healed from this experience. The next step will be counseling when you are ready to open up. My prayers continue to be with you. Just remember you are not alone going through the healing process. You will feel better in time, but it will take talking about it when you are ready. Hugs to you!

[firedancer64]

Thank you for your kind words & for caring about me. You’re awesome! I understand & agree that I need talk therapy to help with the healing process but today I received a phone call from a very pushy aggressive social worker somewhat fussing at me for not pressing charges. She really upset me as I found her to be very unprofessional & intrusive. I already have a worker I rescheduled to meet with tomorrow as I overslept today, so I didn’t understand the need or purpose of her call. I just feel so fragile right now as I suffer with PTSD, am very hypervigelent & thought there would be a bit of anonymity. Clearly I thought wrong as the amount of staff members I had to keep repeating my story to was quite overwhelming. I long for the day that this is all behind me. Please tell me how YOU are.. I don’t like the one sided rapport we have. Gentle hugs dear friend 💜