Hopeless

[firedancer64]

Hi I’m new here. I’m grateful for online support groups as I suffer with my symptoms & problems everyday alone in silence. I’ve been “unwell” since my teens & have only gotten worse over the years. I have 6 grown children & 18 grandchildren. I’ve reached out to my family for help & support but I’m made to feel like a burden & I think everyone is just tired of me being sick with fibromyalgia, anxiety & depression. Some days I just don’t want to wake up. This life is crushing me & I feel paralyzed & hopeless.

[Starry]

Thinking of you x Constant pain is horrific to live with for even a short period let alone most of your life. You are a very strong person xxxx

[firedancer64 in reply to Starry]

@Starry thank you.. gentle hugs.

[Agora1]

firedancer64, talk to me. I hear your pain. I've had Fibro for 30 years but somehow I learned to accept it as extra baggage that I will have to carry for the rest of my life. Learning to live with it is all about accepting that it isn't life ending but life changing. Learning to say "no" was the hardest thing for me. Wanting to do things like I did before was not possible w/o feeling the effects of it the next day. So if I gave in one day in over doing things, I would do it with the acceptance that tomorrow will be my day off.

I envy you in having 6 grown children and 18 grandchildren. In that respect you are blessed. What made you get to this point in life that has made you so hopeless? We are here to comfort and support each other. Sounds like you need this right now. Looking forward in seeing you on the forum so that you don't feel so all alone and so overwhelmed. We understand what it's like. xx

[firedancer64 in reply to Agora1]

@ Agora1.. as a child with 6 siblings I was severely abused without mercy by my father while my mother turned a blind eye. I’ve always had problems with acid reflux as my tummy would knot up in terror that today that today was going to be the day he killed us all. I used to hang upside down on the monkey bars staring at the beautiful blue sky & clouds & beg the Almighty to take me up to Heaven. My parents divorced when I was 9 & I thought things would get better but instead she went into her own world & left us to fend for ourselves. Shopping, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry & upkeep of the house was our responsibility. My sister 3 years older than me became my mom. At age 15 my oldest brother married me off to one of his friends that was 17 years older than me. He seemed like a nice man. I thought he was going to “save me” but instead he was harsh, cold, abusive & mean. The grounds for our divorce was mental cruelty. As children we were never shown any affection & I swear my mother never said the words “I love you” until after my brother had a heart attack at 43 & I had a nervous breakdown & couldn’t get out of the bed for a year as he was my rock. At 15 I was diagnosed with anxiety & depression & was told by the Drs that I’d be on meditation for the rest of my life. I took that to mean I would never be well. My mother used to tell me I was broken & weak. Yet I managed to finish school, go to college, graduate Summa Cum Laude & made the Nationals Deans list while raising my children. Mother had depression but referred to the condition as “bad nerves”.. said all of her sisters had it. She constantly said she wished she could wave her hands over my head & “fix me!” Said she despised weakness in a person & that anyone that took meds was weak. Funny though how I distinctly recall seeing bottles of Valium on her dresser.

I divorced my 1st husband after 8 & 1/2 years, then married another man who constantly drove me to insanity with his mischievous ways. Another 10 years wasted. My last husband I married & stayed with another 10 years perhaps out of loneliness. He was beyond more than I could bear.. constantly in trouble.. kept me depressed & made me ache all over. I actually think I’ve had fibro for many years but was not officially diagnosed until 2007 after my mother passed away. Raising my children was no easy task.. especially my oldest son. But with lots of prayer, tears & patience they all turned out okay. Like a fool a year ago I remarried my 1st husband. He did not tell me until our wedding night that he had ED, I get no love, intimacy or affection whatsoever. Just one peck goodnight in the evening. He’s 70 years old I’m 53. He says we’re just going to live together as companions until God takes one of us. I often fantasize about running away & have made countless attempts to overdose to no avail. Unfortunately I keep waking up. I came close a few months back when I didn’t wake up for 3 days. No one.. none of my family bothered to call 911. I tired of being in pain all over & everywhere, I’m tired of being anxious & depressed & crying. I just want to disappear.

Sorry for this miserable pathetic post. But that’s me... just getting through the days. Thank you for caring.

[Agora1 in reply to firedancer64]

I do care firedancer64, I had a feeling there was more to it than Fibro, Anxiety & Depression, as if that's not enough. As I was reading your response there wasn't a doubt in my mind where all your physical pain is coming from due to the emotional pain you have endured all your life. I am truly sorry. No one should be abused in any way, at any age. It is mental torment.

I am more than amazed in how you were able to raise 6 children as well as graduate college Summa Cum Laude and making the Nationals Dean list. You are an intelligent and strong woman to achieve that honor while being belittled by family. And I commend you.

I worry about your countless attempts to overdose. Are you in therapy at this time? You have been hurt over and over all your life and need to address these issues so as not to sweep them under the carpet. I see you as an incredible young woman of 53. You've got a life ahead of you. Changes will have to made but you deserve some happiness. You have given to your family and now it's time for you to reap the benefits of being older and well educated. Don't belittle yourself. I know it's easy to say but it can be done. I really believe as well as know that fibro pain comes will mental abuse. Your life right now is still upside down in many ways. You need to find something that will give you a reason to wake up every morning, to get dressed and fix yourself up and mostly to re-establish self confidence, self esteem. You are too young to sit back and wait for death to come knocking at the door.

I'm sure you will find many others on the forum who can totally relate to your life's situation. It doesn't mean it is over, but that you have to knock at another door and see what that possibility holds for you. There are still options for you in life but don't close the door. Therapy will help you to get a grasp on your emotions and physical stamina and go forward. Never stay stuck it leads to nothing but despair. We are here to listen because we care. You are never alone. xx

[firedancer64 in reply to Agora1]

@Agora1.. I have made countless attempts over the years seeking help via counseling. I’ve never been fortunate enough to find someone that I felt comfortable talking to without being labeled “enabler to my children” & other comments that made me want to crawl away & bury my head in the sand. I’d had enough of the name calling & judgments from my mother.. I didn’t need that mental & emotional abuse from so called mental health professional that I was paying to help me.. not whip me into shape. So now I’m not receiving any cognitive therapy.. I just see my psychiatrist once a month for my useless Prozac & addiction Clonazepam & try to get through the days wearing a mask pretending “I’m okay!”

But I’m not .... 😞

Thank you for caring dear friend.

Gentle hugs.

[Lostjoy]

Hello firedancer64. I’m glad you found this site for support. I also suffer in silence a lot. I have 3 grown children, with 2 grandkids. I feel your pain as they don’t understand my issues. I actually don’t understand them either.

I feel like a burden also, and most days I’m annoyed with the fact that I did wake up again.

I’m not sure I can help you much, as I haven’t found anything yet that makes me feel better other that coming here and talking with others who understand and don’t judge me.

Hope you keep posting!

[firedancer64 in reply to Lostjoy]

@Lostjoy.. I have no answers either. I’m just trying to do research, change my diet & try herbal teas &, supplements, yoga & meditation which is very challenging. Too much mind chatter 🙄

Hopefully we can all help each other make through the days.

[Lostjoy in reply to firedancer64]

Friedancer64 I just read through the replies here. No wonder you have anxiety and depression with everything you’ve been through throughout the years. I give you lots of credit for getting a degree. I wish I had done something like that.

I’ve never been diagnosed with anything except depression, but I haven’t been to the dr much. We don’t have insurance that covers mental health, so I am limited.

I’ve had lots of challenges through the years. My Mother is schizophrenic, so I was bounced around as a child. She physically attacked me when I was pregnant with my 3rd child which caused me to have an early delivery. Thank goodness my baby was ok.

I’m not sure but since your name has 64 behind it I’m thinking you are close to my age. I was born in Aug of 1964. I think it helps me to talk about everything I’ve been through in my life. I just haven’t found anyone who is interested in listening other than a few therapists who in my opinion are just in it for the money. I haven’t found one who I feel really takes their position to heart and cares about the work and the people. The ones I’ve seen seem to be annoyed with having to sit through yet another story of depression and anxiety. I wouldn’t mind paying if I felt it would truly help me.

I’m here if you want to talk more.

[firedancer64 in reply to Lostjoy]

Lostjoy ... a therapist once told me that my father sounded like he could have been schizophrenic... the way his moods swinged I thought perhaps manic depressive. Personally I just think he was mean, evil & insane. The unspeakable things he did to me & my siblings.... 😢 May the Almighty have mercy & forgive him as he damaged us all.

I will listen to you anytime you want to talk or vent. Helps a little bit to let the pain out. Till this day my tummy stays tied in knots & I’m always afraid. I still have nightmares about my father & all of my ex spouses. What a life huh! But we’re still here!!!

Gentle hugs to you my friend!

[Lostjoy in reply to firedancer64]

That could very well have been some of your Fathers issues. It took years for my Mother to get her diagnosis. It still doesn’t make the terrible things that happened any easier.

Yes we are still here for some reason. I can’t help but think what life could have been like if I just had normal parents. My Mother married 3 brothers, one after the other. She had kids by all 3. All were alcoholics who had issues. There was never a responsible Adult in the picture who could give guidance.

All of my siblings are messed up. And I feel like I totally screwed up my life. I have ex’s also. I had all 3 of my kids when I met my current husband. Thank God my kids are all doing good.

The part that I can’t figure out is that I have always been strong. I refused to let anything get me down, until last year. I got hit with anxiety and depression like nothing I have ever experienced before.

I’ve been struggling, and trying to get my sanity back since.

I don’t feel comfortable talking about having anxiety and depression with my family. I’m actually so angry with myself for letting me get this way. It hurts so bad that I can’t bring myself back to reality at times.

I just hope with time that I can get myself back to normal functioning. I’m not done here yet. I still have grandkids to enjoy.

I’m so sorry you still have nightmares and your stomach stays in knots. There has got to be a way to put the past in the past and move on without the fear. It is what causes my anxiety, and debilitates me at times to where I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. I have never attempted suicide, but the thought is with me when the anxiety is bad.

Thanks for listening, and posting.

Hugs to you as well..

[firedancer64]

@ Lostjoy... I don’t think there is any getting back to what I once was. All I can try to do is think of a realistic plan & daily regimen that I can commit to & try somehow to learn some coping techniques. Never too old to learn.. or st least try. Thank goodness we made it through another day. Smiles & hugs 🤗