Hi, everyone. First-time poster here. I haven't been diagnosed with any kind of mental health issues, but I'm trying to work up the courage to talk to someone in person. I've suspected that I struggle with depression or anxiety for about a year, now. I'm a little afraid of being right and very afraid of being told that there's nothing wrong with me.
I've spent my whole life considering myself to be both an optimist and an idealist, but lately, I've had this nagging voice telling me that I'm too useless to be of any good in the world. I currently work as an elementary school music teacher, but that was never the long-term plan for my career. While my annual performance evaluations are good (not stellar, but solid), I can't help but feel like a) there's something better for me and b) I'm pretty useless at teaching, so I might as well get out. It feels like I'm putting in hours upon hours of work without accomplishing anything, dealing with large class sizes leaves me drained, and there have been several times when I've come home and either cried uncontrollably or had trouble breathing because I don't like what I do. I start to think that either I'm no good at it, and that all the stress is my fault because I'm no good at it. Wash, rinse, repeat.
I *do* think I've found something I'd like to try my hand at, though. I want to go back to school for music therapy. I have several friends from college who went on to study it, and it seems like something I would thrive at. The problem is, the anxiety (IS it anxiety? Again, I haven't been to a physician, so who knows...) kicks in and I end up sitting on my butt.
I'd definitely also like a place to be heard. I haven't even talked in depth about this with my husband, yet. He's very supportive, but it's a little intimidating; he sometimes talks about how, in the past, he more or less willed himself out of depression. It doesn't exactly give me confidence that he'll be sympathetic.
I hope this introduction hasn't veered too much into rambling. It was just nice to get it all out there.