Lonely Mom

[brittneyrice19]

Hello all. I'm not really sure how this works. I'm 28 and married with three children. I'm a CNA but currently a stay-at-home mother. I have a 9, 4, and 1 year old. I was diagnosed with bipolar and depression after my mother deceased, almost 4 years ago. I later found out that I was misdiagnosed and I actually have PTSD, due to childhood traumas and upbringings. I really don't know where to start. I'm just always sad all the time. I'm naturally pessimistic; always outweighing the bad over the good and brushing it off as being "realistic". I've went to counseling but it hasn't really worked so I quit going. I've friends over the years, but I've never been able to actually KEEP a friend. Pretty pathetic, I know, but everyone needs someone there for them. My mom was that person for me. Ever since she passed, I feel more alone than I ever have been. My biological father ironically passed the same week as my mom so all I have left as a parental, is my step father whom I'm not very close with. I have siblings, but am not really close with any of them. Never have been, even though the effort has been made.

I try to talk to my husband, whom I have been with 5 and a half years, but he isn't the conversation type anymore. We have went thru so much thru the years I do believe the romance, trust and other things as well, are gone. Marriage counseling is a bust, it doesn't work. The one thing that literally keeps me going every single day, is my three children. I just wish there was someone out there that feels the same and understands.

[yosefo50]

I had a childhood trauma when I was 12 y.o. and I been having anxiety and depression from then on. It was only when my eldest brother died that I went rock bottom and I was suicidal. That's when I seek help and started taking antidepressants. I had a lot of relapsed and changing of meds. Recently I had a relapsed and had to change meds again. I decided to try Mindfulness Base Cognitive Therapy combined with medication.

I want to know wether you're on meds and is it helping your condition? If not, I suggest you take antidepressants and try MBCT.

You're husband is your partner in life. It's hard to share our feelings, thoughts and plans to our love ones but you have to do it so they will understand your situation. You have to tell your children about your illness . You should never hide it from them. You're 9 year old will be able to understand it. With the vast information on-line , your 9 y.o. will be able to learn of your condition.

Regarding your feelings to your husband, I also had that feelings with my partner before but it is because of our illness that we feel that way. When we're feeling better, our relationship with others will be better. It will take some time but it be better. Just hang in there. Don't give up. They care about you and they love you.

Hope you'll check out the MBCT. It will help our way of thinking.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

[brittneyrice19 in reply to yosefo50]

thanks yosefo50 I appreciate the advice. I will definitely check out this MBCT. I did use to take counseling services along with various medications, however, I quit taking them so as not to be dependent on them. I believe in self-help and medicational use for therapy purposes, but I myself do not want to be medicated.

I actually just want to be cared about. I know it sounds pathetic, but I feel as though the only person who cared for me was my mother.

[yosefo50 in reply to brittneyrice19]

You're welcome. Did you check out deea21's post. The site is gaia.com

[brittneyrice19 in reply to yosefo50]

yes I did, it also requires a membership. I feel like everywhere I go for help is requiring money money money. jeeez

[yosefo50 in reply to brittneyrice19]

Sorry to hear that you need to be a member with dues. Maybe we can ask deea21 and ask if it's worth it to be a member.

[yosefo50]

Check out a post by deea21. She has a site that you can go to that deals with negative thoughts. I'll check it out too. I'm glad that you are sharing your thoughts in this site. We are here to help and care for each other.

[kezie]

Hello,

Same boat situation here as well. I also lost my mum who my everything. I have been trying to deal with it but nah. I can barely keep friends as I feel the take my kindness and abuse it. Right now, I feel as though I am all alone, cant count on family or friends anymore...... I have been trying religion, can say it keeps me sane atleast.

[brittneyrice19 in reply to kezie]

I understand. The religion part does keep me sane as well. It helps to strengthen my faith in every aspect of my life. I just pray for guidance that I can come out of this darkeness I feel like I'm in

[kezie in reply to brittneyrice19]

You will come out of it...I always believe in overcoming a situation by saying "I can do it, I have the strength". So each day get up and push harder, push to reconnect with your husband and family. At the end of the end of the day we all want to be happy and I bet if your mum could have been here, she could have wanted you to be happy---don't forget that okey?