I don’t know what to do anymore

[AdamB1234]

I know this is going to be long since this is my first post so sorry in advance. I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. I am 46 years old and have been having issues since I was 30. At first it was work stress, then health anxiety. So I purposely lost a lot of weight to try and get healthy. Never had any symptoms or anything and blood work was good. Then life started spiraling out of control. I started having physical symptoms, muscles twitching their are many other symptoms but this is the first ones that started happening. Sore muscles too. Doctor said I was fine. To make a long an extremely long story shorter. My dad cheated on my mom so many times and has had multiple kids outside of his marriage to my mother, and acts like the other families and kids don’t exist and this made things terrible. He has at least 3 children outside of marriage with my mom and continues to see all of these women and kids and provides for them much more than just child support and continues to have sex with other girls on the side. In the dictionary under narcissist I think his picture is there it’s so bad. My younger brother couldn’t handle my dad’s infidelity's and he started abusing drugs and passed away. I work with my father so I can’t get away from him unless I want to lose inheritance and potentially my job and my dad won’t quit because he is controlling and owns some of the company. My family has a history of mental health issues, both sides. The health anxiety is so bad I look for symptoms all day. I cry, I think I am dying, yet I am still here everyday. It has put a strain on my family. I have tried therapy and it helped some but I don’t think I can get anything else out of it. I have OCD and these intrusive thoughts are so bad. I don’t want to go on a medication because I am scared of what it might do to me. Things now that are normal tasks are causing anxiety. Like driving in bad traffic, I used to do it all the time with no issues, now it freaks me out. There is so much more I want to tell you but I think this is a good start. I am posting this for any thoughts to my situation but really I just want someone to talk to that will listen and not judge me. Some days are better than others but I am tired of being afraid. I need this to end and no I am not contemplating suicide. I just want the poisons in my life to go away and the good stuff to get better. Oh one other thing I view my dad as a poison, my mom is ok but he has really messed her up too. My other brother smokes weed a lot to get through his issues. I take nothing, smoke nothing. I drink a little but not that much. A few glasses of wine a week. Thank you.

[Hidden]

Focus on yourself and your mental health care

Looking after you first and then deal with other priorities when you can

But now it’s about you only

[AdamB1234 in reply to Hidden]

thank you

[Hidden in reply to AdamB1234]

Understand yourself and grow and learn about yourself

[AdamB1234 in reply to Hidden]

I think I am understanding my triggers with anxiety. I do my best to avoid them but some of them just come with everyday life events that are unavoidable. I have read it’s good to embrace them, face them head on but that doesn’t seem to help me, that just makes things worse. I dont know….. I appreciate the feedback. I will keep trying to figure this out best I can.

[corgi_fan817 in reply to Hidden]

Vonus5591...my thoughts exactly. I had counselor that once us (a group meeting), "do you like fish?" We all said yes and named different kinds of fish. Then he said you should try "sel-fish" and take care of yourself.

[Casivalentina]

Gosh, Adam. It sounds like you're dealing with some significant challenges. Please take very good care of elf. Unfortunately you don't have control over your dad and his poor choices. I'm sorry about your brother that passed away. Hang in there!!! I'm glad you're reaching out for support. You are not alone!!!

[AdamB1234 in reply to Casivalentina]

Hearing your kind words helps more than you know, thank you. It’s a great feeling knowing there are people out there that really care. I feel and hope that more good days are on the horizon for me than bad ones. Thanks again!

[Casivalentina]

oh my gosh! Of course. You're so welcome!!!!

[AdamB1234]

Thank you for the advice and support. I used to live on the other side of the state and did not work for the family business. When my brother started to abuse drugs my dad begged me to come back and help because he couldn’t run the business by himself. He also told me that I would take over when he retired which he said would be 2-3 years. To try and help my family and the employees I agreed to come back. I figured at the time 2-3 years would be good because that would allow me time to learn the business and then he would retire and I could tolerate things that long. Well that 2-3 years was 4 years ago and he is still here, so we are going on year 7, he has all the money he wants so that’s not a problem. Since then I have also learned about additional infidelities, then my brother passed and my dad is worse than ever. I have thought about leaving but with him being almost 70 years old and no heir apparent other than me I don’t want to leave and the company folds and employees lose their job. With that said we have put an exit strategy together for him that I am hoping and praying he follows, still it would mean he works full to part time for another 3 years he would be less around everyday though. Now if he changes his mind and/or lies to me again about when he will be done then we shall see. I am doing my best to distance myself from him on the personal side. We used to do family trips together and watch sports together and I have ended that. My brother idolized him and was devastated when he found out about all his other kids. I wasn’t shocked but it still hurts that your father would do something like that to the family. When it comes to my dad I think what I will do is if he follows the exit strategy we are good if he doesn’t I might look for another job, I don’t know I guess I will wait and see and try and avoid him as much as possible at work and in my personal life. On a whole separate note I am glad someone is listening. My wife is not super supportive and I can understand that to a point because I am constantly bringing things up and I am always looking for reassurance. I would probably get annoyed too. My head is a mess. When I am not working I stay pretty active. I walk 5 miles a day. I run my kids around to different events they have and normal house chores keep me pretty busy. I think things are the worst when I am not busy. I start thinking and that makes things a lot worse. I wondered if I would have tried harder to help my brother would he still be here? My mom is a basket case and won’t really leave the house anymore and is fake about her relationship with my dad like things are perfect on social media because she cares to much about what people think. Sometimes I try to tell myself to snap out of it but I can’t. I do some deep breathing and listen to relaxation music and that helps some. What do you do to relax? I feel like I have tried it all other than medications but I am very open to new ways to relax. Back to your question about my dad, yes I am able to avoid him when I am not working most of the time but he still wants to see everyone for holidays, birthdays, etc. I don’t think their is a more toxic person in the world when it comes to verbal abuse. I have been praying a lot for gods help and guidance. Getting these thoughts off my chest is very helpful. Thank you!

[PadThaiNoodles in reply to AdamB1234]

It sounds like you have a pretty good plan in place. The situation isn't ideal (but then I have depression too, so my world-view/expectation is that it never will be).

All that being said, I found SSRIs to be a game changer. I've been on escitalopram for 10 years now and it has hugely improved my quality of life.

[AdamB1234 in reply to PadThaiNoodles]

Thank you for the advice. Yes far from ideal but hoping I can make it through the exit strategy for my father, then life will be a lot better.

[Franklin68]

Man Adam. You detailed some damn trauma dude .So very sorry for all that. You sound like a very good man that deserves a whole lot better.

We’re all very happy that you joined us, welcome.

My only question at this point would be with your diagnosis what possible solutions were laid out?

[AdamB1234 in reply to Franklin68]

They recommended therapy. I did that for a year, took a 10 year break and then came back to it for another year. It helped but not sure I can get much more out of it. I think at this time I feel most comfortable telling my story to someone who will listen and just get some kind feedback and so far this community has been helpful, responsive, encouraging and helping me realize I have options and ways to deal with my anxiety and although my life might be unique, their are others with similar stories/lives. That makes me feel better but also a little upset at how hard life can be for many. Thank you!

[Franklin68 in reply to AdamB1234]

For many of us it’s trying to define whether our anxiety is chemically based. I’m bipolar and have experienced depression, anxiety, manic episodes ( looooong ones) so I feel strongly that if I couldn’t get to the root of that and try applying direct solutions to its source , then all the other possible ways of treating and coping would be less successful. And they were.

Yes, for me, having to go through the process of trying different meds , dosages, along with therapy and other techniques, such as meditations and so forth was not easy and the side effects could be a bitch

Took me a minute and I lost most everything I ever worked for twice.

Finally found the right medication cocktail that has allowed me to use all the other possible ways to manage my symptoms and have a pretty darn normal life . Meditation, breathing are still staples but it’s sooo much better now , much less is needed.

Turns out I was severely undermedicated. Who knew. Just gotta keep trying to define the root of the problem and attack it systematically. Whatever the issue might be coming from.

If you and your providers don’t think it’s a possible chemical imbalance , like me , then medications to connect those wires aren’t needed.

I’ve done the meds to mask and they just were t good enough. Either was anything else I tried

Praise God I found answers. I pray that they keep working.

And that so many others find the relief we all deserve.

[Zhangliqun]

Look at some of these triggers differently to disarm them. Time stuck in traffic can be used for an audio book or singing along with favorite songs or pondering something constructive to do.

It is our assignment from on high to take these mood disorders lemons and turn them into lemonade. And then to turn around and teach others like us to do so.

[AdamB1234 in reply to Zhangliqun]

Yes! Totally agree. I will do breathing techniques and listen to meditation music and it helps a lot while I am driving. If someone else is in the car with me I find them enjoying the music too. In my office at work I play the same music, light a candle, and sometimes shut my door just to do deep breathing. I appreciate the advice. Thank you very much!

[AdamB1234]

Yes, both my parents wish they could have done more to save my brother. But they had no idea what to do. My mom tried to act like my brother was ok when he wasn’t and my dad thought threats would work. I told my mom and dad the only chance at saving my brother was him wanting to get help and you guiding him and assisting him to that help, making sure he knew that his home life would be right there when he got back from therapy/rehab. But my brother didn’t want the help and my parents and I didn’t push it. My brother was manipulative and could be very nasty while on the drugs which made things 1000 times more difficult. Still I wish I could have done more. I don’t think I will ever be at peace with my brothers death but I also feel that I am not the main reason he isn’t here today. I went to one of his rehab sessions. I talked to him about his kids and what it would be like for them without a father. He always brushed off his addiction. To this day my mom is embarrassed by his death and lies to people that he had a heart problem. Yes I do think that my dad works still to not focus on my brothers death but I think other reasons outweigh that one like, his narcissism and always wanting to be in control and to micro manage people. His thoughts that the company would crumble to the ground if he wasn’t there, he has such an inflated ego it’s disgusting. Boredom, he has no friends because no one wants to be around him other than his mistresses because they like his money. He has no time consuming hobbies other than all things related to money which is funny because he will never even come close to spending all he has but to him the more money you have the more successful you are, even though deep down I know he is never happy. Plus if he didn’t “come to work” then it would be difficult for him to continue to have affairs and potentially other children. He wants to feel needed. It’s a good idea on the exit strategy but it was a stretch to get it to the time frame it is currently so I seriously doubt he would want to move it up. I don’t want anything bad to happen to my dad I just want him to go away. He is so toxic. I wish I wasn’t so invested in the company and its employees so I could just leave and not worry about it but it’s not that easy. As far as vacation go, yes I take them and I love the break with friends and family, it’s when I feel like the old Adam, care free and fun. As a matter of fact I have been trying to do fun things locally too with friends and family, going out to dinner and a movie, theater, musical, stand up comedy act. It’s so helpful all those experiences. On the caffeine side I have a couple cups of coffee when I get up and nothing else the rest of the day. I do not drink a lot other caffeine. My father has caused me to have GAD that has spiraled into health anxiety as well. Sometimes I get in a real rut which is why I came here. Everyone has been amazing. I wish I would have come here sooner. I think if I stay the course on the exit strategy, stay occupied doing tasks and taking a timeout for myself like a show/vacation. Do not give into the intrusive thoughts. Continue to come and discuss my issues and feelings while getting feedback and encouragement here. Avoid my triggers. Continue to use relaxation techniques. That all of that will help me. The highest gratitude to all of you and if I can help you in anyway please let me know. You all have made my heart smile today. Thank you.

[froggymom88]

Oh dear. I am sending you a big virtual hug. That is quite a lot to deal with, overwhelming. I know what works for me. I experienced terrible anxiety when my son committed suicide and I found him. For sure keep up the therapy but I prayed too. Even just little prayers as often as I could. Remember you can't change anyone else only yourself. Try to do nice things for yourself every day. I will commit to praying for you each morning. Be sure to start your day with an positive to statements.

[AdamB1234 in reply to froggymom88]

A huge hug right back to you. Thank you! Extremely sorry about your son, no one should have to lose their child. I will pray everyday and start the day with positive statements, I think that’s a great idea. Thank you for the prayers and I will pray for you as well. I heard this saying, try to be a better friend to yourself. I think I will do that. Thanks again!

[froggymom88]

🙏😊