No one actually knows. You either get this thing called life or you don't.

[isabobcat]

I've had anxiety and depression and obsessive compulsive disorder for most of my life. Despite social phobias and the daily rituals I had to do, I always wanted to be around people. I wasn't reclusive--at first, until I learned to be that way. I never had any friends and I had a ton of social anxiety but I always pushed myself to be in groups or talk; to be as outgoing and friendly as possible. When I was a teenager, I weighed 265 lbs and I had practically no social life. I always thought when I lost the weight everything would be different, people just didn't like me because I was fat. I worked hard for 5 years to lose 160 lb, I got a job, I went to college but nothing changed. I figured it would take some time to break out of my shell so I gave it time, I gave it years. Still no results. I'm on antidepressants, have been for years. I'm seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. I asked trusted family members in my life for their advice as to what I'm missing, why I'm so lonely, why I feel like I'm different than everybody else on this planet and that I have no connection to the human race. I asked why people reject me. I get answers like "it's because you're depressed, people don't like hanging around depressed people" but see, I never used to feel this way. I became depressed because of the loneliness and the isolation and the feeling that I am 100% unique to this earth . As time goes on, it gets worse and worse and I feel more isolated. I try to reach out online, I try to reach out to Old Friends, I try to reach out to co-workers. Still being rejected by everyone. There's this thing that people don't understand. There is something wrong with me. I don't know what it is, other people do, but they can't figure it out and therefore can't tell me; they just know they don't want to be around me. It's an instinctual thing. Something they can't put into words. The advice they give me is perfectly sound, it's the same advice I would give to anyone, because they don't have the thing that's wrong. They are normal. When you don't have the thing that's wrong, you can go out and meet people, you can reach out online, you can reach out to co-workers, you can be surrounded by people that love you despite having depression, anxiety, OCD or what have you. But, I have the thing, the thing that no one understands, the thing that separates me from the others in this world, the thing that border lines between me and them.

[Clarebear86]

I get this a lot. Especially when I try and be outgoing and start the conversations and try and connect with new people. I get the sense that they just aren’t interested, want me to shut up and go away or are looking for an escape route so they don’t have to talk to me. So please feel reassured that you aren’t alone with these feelings. Here to talk if needed.

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

First let me congratulate you that remarkable weight loss! Your education, career etc. Wow what a remarkable person you are! No one likes being lonely but you get used to it. I don’t recommend it though. I do know I too have the “thing” Are we twins? Oh yeah we can’t be! You lost 160 pounds! I have not! In school I was debilitatingly shy. I played sports and interacted only out of necessity. Now my best friend in the world is my dachshund Tater Tot. I am disabled but got a job one night a week at a very close gas station in hopes of making friends near me. I go out of my way to be friendly and outgoing but no one wants to be around me. Not even family unless it is for very short periods. Do I sit here alone a lot and feeling lonely. The longer this has gone on though the harder it is to be around people. I can just tell I’m annoying to them. I’m lonely but when I am around people I get frustrated fast and feel the need to retreat. That way sound odd because I feel so lonely but I am used to it. Talk about social anxiety. I’m probably going to quit that job. It is very hard on me physically and it hasn’t helped at all. Everyone I talk to seems like I’m a murderer or something and put off by me. It’s humiliating. Energy is very contagious. I have social anxiety. I try to meet people or talk to people and I’m anxious because I know I’ll be rejected. I try to act confident. Deep down I’m not. I’ve been around people that have severe anxiety. I can feel the shift in the air the minute I walk in or they do. Then I get anxious. I can’t feel my own energy but I can feel others. Energy is all around us. I think I could tell you if someone is anxious even without looking at them. I have pondered this a lot! I think that “thing” may just be energy. It’s hard to hide. People feel it. I think you should continue to work on your energy. Anxiety more than depression. You can fake happiness much easier than energy. For me...I have a dog. I feed off her energy. She sleeps in my lap so calm. It relaxes me. Then when I’m sad I give her a treat and she gets so happy and jumps and acts silly and her energy makes me happy. I can talk to her and snuggle her. I’ve decided all I need is my girl Tater Tot. The problem is she is 14 now. She has cataracts and a heart issue. I’m not suggesting that’s what you should do because my life is totally about to crash and it is truly killing me inside. It is nice while you have them though but this pain is horrible! You are beautiful inside and out so own it. Stand tall and be confident. I have faith in you. There is someone for everyone. For me that someone is Tater Tot. Partly by choice at this point though.

I hope you find your someone. Are you in the US or UK? I’m US and we have this thing called meetup.com. I joined a group of people with like minded interests. It was cool. Then I moved. Now I sit home with Tater Tot unless I have doctors or that one evening a week I work. That’s tomorrow but I’m thinking of calling out. Another one of my things. I’m the cancel queen. So I only go to half of my doctors. Anyway best of luck sweetie!

[Hidden]

Wow finally a post that I can relate to on so many levels. My heart goes out to you. I can honestly say you’re speaking the truth and this needs to be heard. It’s very important to tell as it is otherwise you go on in life always blaming yourself when in reality it was never your fault. Like you I look back and thought that because of my anxiety I never made friends, but the brutal truth was that even back then when I never developed anxiety I was still ignored, discriminated, rejected, and not taken seriously by society. I swear I’m not making this **** up. I was a super outgoing kid who loved to make people laugh and I also had this humongous sense of humor that made everything better. I was never insecure nor did I ever think I was different as a matter of fact I thought I was a very handsome kid, but along the way i met a lot of nasty people who loved nothing better then to put someone down either because they themselves are insecure, plain assholes, or they don’t see me as worthy enough to deserve the things I possessed. It was past experience that traumatized me enough to lead me down a road I never thought I would end up on After many bad incidents with bullying I became depressed it then snowballed quickly into other bad things. I started to not take care of myself because I felt distress and unlovable. Thinking back it never seemed to make much of a difference on how people treated me regardless how friendly I’m trying to be or how kind I should say because if they want to treat you like crap they will especially my bullies. The only difference I can think of is it made my attackers unable to beat my *** cause I was kind and funny , but you can bet I got verbally harassed and humiliated daily. What sucks too is that if people see you happy and vibrant they’ll try to knock you down for whatever reason they feel like. So like a rag doll be thrown around back and forth my physical and mental health deteriorated rapidly over the course of time. Now I’m insecure and broken and nobody’s around to take responsibility for the things they did to me. I felt like my tormentors got away with murder. The room is silent and quite and people are going about their day like nothing ever happened that it was just all in my head! I talk with some coworkers I used to work with and told them how I felt when they treated me like crap and all was said was that for me not to take to heart...? Basically it was just a joke....really ?? 5 years of joke huh.....ok. So anyways all this led me to develop all sorts of psychological problems that interfere with my life daily. Stress has taken my youth away and this has taken me to a whole new level called “Ostracism “ I now live a very lonely and isolated life because society now sees me as disgusting and unwanted. When you’re ostracized and rejected on a daily basis you will suffer psychological problems 100% guaranteed and in my case unfortunately it’s happening wether I like it or not. What society doesn’t know is that the guy who they see as incompetent and depressed was once a smart and very vibrant guy, but through traumatic events such as bullying, losing a loved one to suicide, and shunned from society Im now condemned to the social death penalty:/ it’s sad to know that one day if you fell ill enough to where you couldn’t take care of yourself and you end up losing what society values highly, which is “looks” you’ll be left to fend for your own as you no longer have value anymore. My anxiety and depression is self sustained through ostracizing and being teased daily not from me not loving myself enough or that I’m just insecure because like I said I was never insecure until all this stuff happened to me. How can I love and accept myself when all I see around me is rejection it makes no sense to me at all if you asked for my honest opinion. To top it off and put the icing on the cake my anxiety is causing others who I come into contact with “great stress” especially my loved ones and that hurts me to the bone cause I never had anxiety to begin with it was never my fault, but now I feel like it is my fault. Sucks so bad that other peoples action can make you the victim and at the same time a culprit as well if you understand what I’m saying. I now have to put up with my mental disorders and try to live as best as I could and maybe that’s the only way. Ty for writing this it takes courage, strength, and bravery. Gl to you and to the rest of us and may we all stand up and let our voices be heard so society will stop blaming us and start taking responsibility for other people’s action that’s causing innocent people to suffer from terrible “Mental Disorders”.