It's a struggle.

I've been getting over a bad breakup for the past month. I'm sure my previous posts have hinted at that. Recently though, I stopped crying and started feeling something else than depression- anger. I suddenly just woke up today to a seemingly boundless wrath. In my previous years, I'd been vengeful and every instinct of it returned to me in full force as I already planned out how I could know for sure my girlfriend left me for someone else and how I could use that information against her. I've been fighting hard to ignore every urge for seeking retribution where I likely have no right to seek it anyway. But my mind churns like a machine and left unchecked, its production will be not just angry thoughts but intentions and plans. It seems like now that I'm done fighting the tears, I'm fighting my past self. Had I only been the type of person who received no satisfaction from seeking revenge... but I can't say I am that. It's hard not to be vengeful after feeling betrayed and cheated.

[Agora1]

Whoa "Its1994" slow those emotions down a bit before you get yourself in deeper trouble. Feeling hurt, betrayed, angry are all a part of the healing process but "vengeful" not so.

Talk it out with the forum or a therapist who can put your current thoughts into perspective. I know you are more than hurt and nobody wants to be made a fool of and be taken advantage of. No one deserves that kind of treatment. But right now, you have no control over what she did but you do have control in how you respond to it. Please stay safe, no one is worth the trouble you may be asking for. Give it time and then move on with your life and one day you will find someone who you can give your heart to that will give hers back in return. Believe in that.

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

Thank you for your support. I think I may have miscommunicated a bit. I know I can be really mean with my words but this time I'm just trying my best to let it go and stay gone. In the past, I've had a lot of trouble letting things go and I've said a lot of hurtful things to a lot of people, and often enough, my perspective of the reality of the situation is usually bleak enough to bring people close to me down too. I've been trying to do everything differently this past year, but old habits die hard. Even though I'm fighting the urge to do all that, that's still the first place my mind went, you know? Kinda tells me a little bit about myself.

[Agora1 in reply to Hidden]

I hear you "Its1994" but I'm glad you are fighting the urge in taking that route. You know it's not the right way but I understand when the emotions are so strong. Keep safe. Come here anytime you need support in numbers. We're here for you

[AllisonO]

I couldn't agree more, it is SO hard not to feel vengeful after being betrayed and cheated on. My boyfriend too, has done these things to me. Being hurt by the ones you love the most, can be devastating. I have the same "mean with my words" "mouth diarrhea" way of communicating my feelings as you do, so I get it. All you can do is know your self worth, and know that you are the bigger person in the situation. Dealing with those feelings of resentment and anger are exhausting, and there's no one who deserves your energy less than the one who is taking it away in the first place. Keep your head up darling. <3

[Hidden in reply to AllisonO]

Like my post's title, it's just been a struggle today to ignore every urge to say something. It's always a struggle to break patterns. But it's worth doing things differently this time, even though I'm still in pain. More than anything else, I just wanted to tell her that when the next guy comes along and falls for her, she should turn around and walk away. Spare him the pain she caused me. No matter how much she claimed she didn't intend for things to end this way, they did, and not because of my choosing. Oh well. I guess that's life. Sometimes, you just have to deal with things, and people, and the messes they leave behind. It seems like the motif of my life is making the best of a bad situation.

[Windy101]

I hear you that you just want to say something to her that feels true at the moment. But what good will it do? She's just going to think you're bitter and angry. She's surely not going to take your advice. It will only make her think less of you. Will it even help you release your anger and move on? Probably not.

It's a natural part of loss to be angry, especially in a breakup. Just remember that saying, "Revenge is best served cold." You're in the heat of passion and betrayal, and that's normal and okay. But hurting your girlfriend's feelings isn't going to make you feel better. You know that.

So how do you let the anger out? What would work for you? You could try boxing, running, writing all your feelings down, burning things she gave you, having your own private GOODBYE SO AND SO ceremony, asking someone else out on a date, getting together with old friends, taking a class, starting a hobby you always wanted, writing in a journal everyday a list of why revenge will only hurt you, counseling, church, writing a song or poem even if your writing sucks, doing pushups, lifting weights and getting as buff as possible, etc.

Don't call her, don't drive by her house, don't do any obsessive breakup stalkerish things that let's face it, we all want to. During my divorce I had to practically sit on my hands to not call my husband, who was only mean to me whenever I did.

You have to let her go. The revenge is really just a way of hanging on to the relationship. You have every right to be angry. Just use the energy of the anger in a positive way, not to hurt her or you. Make your mantra, "No damage." You've had damage enough. Revenge is only going to fill you with regret and make her even more glad she broke up with you.

Breakups hurt like he**. But you can survive this. Use it to grow as a person. As you recover, you will someday be a wonderful man for the right woman. The best revenge is living a happy life.

Hang in there, dude. We care about you. I wish you peace and strength to get through this. You can do it! You can!

[Hidden in reply to Windy101]

I guess only time will heal, since nothing else seems to help. I got rid of everything from her already. Since she doesn't leave nearby, I don't actually have the option to see her even if I wanted to. I don't really care for petty revenge as much as I used to, and even though it feels like I left a lot unsaid, I don't really have a choice except to let her go because that's the situation I'm in. I did not want this, but this is what I Have.

I'd like to make it so my mantra is "no damage," yet I look around and I look within and all I see is damage. And when the anger subsides, the sadness just takes back over. Since many of my friends have decided that now is a good time to be largely unavailable, I really don't have anyone left for emotional support. It seems like if people I care about aren't dying, they're walking away. No matter what, it seems like everyone just leaves.

And now all I have is what I've always thankfully had. My father and brother are still here, and even though all of our family is on the other side of the world, we still got each other. And that is just about my only comfort left. I look to the future, and I don't exactly see myself a wonderful man for the right woman. I've just utterly lost interest in having that now. My only motivation today is to work hard and provide a better life for myself and for what's left of my family. God knows I've lost a lot of people, and I'll lose many more, but at least they'll always be there. No matter how many people go.

If I ever had a mantra, I guess it would be that I would survive it all, no matter what it costs me. I didn't come all this way just to give up. At the same time, I'm just depressed. I'm depressed because of all that I've sacrificed and lost already. I'm depressed because I face the prospect of living a life I have to endure, and not one I can enjoy. And through it all, I am my own best friend and my own worst enemy.

My girlfriend was my rock. All this energy and capacity I have for these words were without direction before her. And now I feel lost without her while I try to figure out my own direction. With her went a lot of my emotional support, and my encouragement, and the feeling like I actually belonged somewhere with someone. I am an immigrant. Imagine how unwelcome I've felt in so many places I've gone. It has always felt like I never had a place in this life, but that I'd have to strive to make myself one. It's like I'm constantly fighting with myself and the world. I wonder what it'll take to make me stop. I just can't figure it out this time.

[Agora1 in reply to Hidden]

Hey Its1994, a good response tonight. Proud of you. Truthful in how lost you feel and lonely and yet hopeful in that you realize it is up to you to become the real you. Now is not the time to fight with yourself and the world. Get through your healing process of having been hurt. One step at a time. I'm not in the belief that one person can have that much power over another's life. It's not healthy. I think you will be plenty surprised on what you will and can accomplish on your own. You will survive it all. It's okay to be depressed right now but know that it will not always be that way.

The forum can help you get through this with understanding and support. You are never alone. There is always someone who has or is going through the same thing. There is strength in numbers. Take care of yourself. You are worth it xx

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

It'd just be nice if I could sleep properly and not feel the urge to cry as soon as I awaken.

[JoseLuis25]

you'll be fine my bro. Just move on and time will heal...

[Hidden in reply to JoseLuis25]

Thank you. I'm trying every day.