How can you tell if it's your anxiety or intuition?

[Stardust2022]

I feel like I always have a hard time identifying what is my anxiety vs intuition. For example, with my relationship anxiety, I always wonder "is this the right person for me?" and I notice all the little flaws and imperfections (they are magnified in my mind) and I've heard this from my past bfs and current one that no matter what they do I always find something negative or something to complain about. I've been trying to change and have been working on myself. I want to be the best version of myself. But with my current bf (as well as with previous ones) I have this invasive thought always in the back of my mind - what if he's not the right match for me? And I get so tired of it. I wish I could just lock it up in a safe so it stops bothering me. I'm constantly debating - are these the red flags that I need to be super vigilant about and here is another evidence I haven't met the right person yet OR is it my anxiety getting the best of me...Does anyone have this thought battle in their head just like I do? Have you been able to decide what's what? Your comments would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

[Opportunity]

I struggle with this too! I hope people have some answers for us! 😀 One thing I’ve recently learned about is attachment styles, and in one of them, we tend to find flaws to avoid having to get emotionally intimate with someone. It’s a protective mechanism, but ends up hurting us when it’s on overdrive.

In my last post, I talked about a guy who “lied” to me. I honestly wonder if I prematurely ditched a decent guy because of this anxiety/hypervigilence. I still don’t know. I will never know.

[Stardust2022 in reply to Opportunity]

I definitely have either an anxious/avoidant or disorganized attachment style. Are you referring to a guy who you thought was 'cat fishing'?

[Opportunity in reply to Stardust2022]

Yeah. I thought he was lying. But I told a male friend of mine and he said that my date might have been as skeptical of me as I was of him so who the heck knows. It’s ruined now anyway.

[Stardust2022 in reply to Opportunity]

so do you think it was your anxiety more than intuition?

[Opportunity in reply to Stardust2022]

I have no idea.

[Tara52]

I was told by a therapist that this type of thinking is referred to as "negativity bias". Those of us who have had painful childhood experiences often think this way.Complaining can become a very bad habit and no one wants to hear it. I really had to start focusing on the good around me and in others.( The glass half full instead of half empty analogy🙂)

I only recently have been able to identify the "inner critic" and tell it to be quiet. It takes work to change these things but good for you, at least you are asking for help and reaching our. Be kind to yourself it's a slow process.🤗💗

[Stardust2022 in reply to Tara52]

Tara52 thank you for your response! I've heard about it while learning about CBT. I decided to focus on positives more and it actually have helped.

[Serene46]

I am right there with you! My last relationship ended by me saying I was done because of the same issues. Anxiety if he’s not being honest. Maybe he was and I drove him away with my anxiety about getting hurt. I live him with all my heart and now I think he’s with someone else and going places to see her and never put that much effort into seeing me. But maybe he did at first and once he developed feeling he’s kept me at arms distance. I have no idea. I’m divorced and have a kiddo to a guy I wasn’t married to and he never put effort into being in her life. So my past has made me have bad anxiety with this guy. I’m at a loss to know if it’s anxiety or intuition as well.

[Stardust2022 in reply to Serene46]

Serene46 - I'm sorry to hear that. Do you think you not trusting someone and thinking that they are deceiving you is a pattern? Did he know about your anxiety? I told my bf about it and at least he knows and starts to understand. I have a lot of work to do on myself as I want to be the best version of me in this life. It's hard though.

[Eggshell38]

Had that battle everyday since the first of my now 15+ years of relationship. Always choose the (seemingly) easier choice, which is to stay in a relationship that isn't a good match for me.

[Stardust2022 in reply to Eggshell38]

Eggshell38 - you have been feeling like this for 15 years in the same relationship? May I ask why are you staying in a relationship that you say is not good for you? It seems that you are certain about it and don't really doubt whether it's an intuition or just anxiety...I may be wrong.

[La_star1]

Not a simple answer. Many of relationships I’ve had I walked away from for that very reason and I look back at a couple of them and I always think what if ? I wanna kick myself in this very moment. I dissed a nice doctor?! Who was cute, who is now happily married and I didn’t give him a chance. One that sticks out in my head… So clearly at the present point in time I’m in the same boat as you about to jump ship with my guy after 6 long years , be alone again, etc; but I’ve settled a bit in my older age than I was 10-15 years ago.. i figure now If it’s meant to be it’s meant to be, If it’s meant to unravel it will. I’m a believer nothing lasts forever though. Hate to be Debbie downer but I do believe many fish in the sea!

[Stardust2022 in reply to La_star1]

La_star1 - So what is the deciding factor for you when thinking to walk away or not? I've been reading this book called "Calling in the One" and I like lots of points being made by the author. We have to look at how we have been "showing up" for people in our life, look at patterns, understanding our past, etc. I particularly like when she said that "the fantasy that someone's perfect enough to be worthy of our affection and commitment is idealization. There's a certain childishness in assuming we have to find the perfect person before we can open our hearts to love. For perfectionism is actually the antithesis of love. Love, by definition, happens when it's safe to fall short in the presence of another. " Good reading...