Giving up

[Summersun1soon]

I don't know where to begin. My depression began at 25 , I'm 51 now. I'm realizing now that I don't ever remember when I was ( or if I was) happy. Sure my son was a happy moment but no matter how hard I tried my in laws took over. They beat me down ,i had no chance to discipline him. Due to his being spoiled with everything he wanted from his grandparents he is serving a 15 year sentence. His dad died when he was 12. I was 36. My family never let me grieve because they hated him. I kept going with a smile on my face. My son wanted to live with grandparents they told me they would take me to court as an unfit mom. I didn't have money to fight a dominant well respected rich family so he went. He was 15. The only time I saw him was paydays. He got what he wanted and off again. I was weak. I have survived is all. I'm on disability now and live with a man that worships me , however I don't love him. As a matter of fact I can't stand him but I have a roof over my head. I have a granddaughter that is my world. I hold on to this world because of her. I cry and withdrawal when she goes home. She has no clue about the battle I fight, along with others, of depression. Anyway I could tell my meds quit working so I I began to search for a phychiatrist. I saw a therapist before my secession with him. I almost collapsed with grief my dad died n December of last year and my mom requires 24 hour care which I was doing. My mom is an alcoholic and in her eyes I'm a waste of good air. I thought I was going to get help from all of the racing thoughts and continuous sadness. The psychiatrist labeled me as bipolar. I began the meds . In 3 days I was in emergency room with severe panic attack. I went 3 weeks later . I told him no one in 26 years has said o was bipolar. He said you are you've been mis diagnosed. He gave more meds. This time one of the meds landed me in hospital for 3 days. My sodium bottomed out. One med he prescribed this was a side affect. I'm Tryin to cope without meds. I'm so tired of being knocked down and feeling so lonely. I don't know where to start

[mysmugcat]

I recgonise the first sentence. Welcome here-your first time? There is also a bereavement forum on this site, I'm on there as well.

[Sprinkle1]

You have my empathy, what an awful painful life you have lived. I would suggest you consider getting a psychiatrist who specializes in depression. I am Bipolar 11 and take Lithium daily only a low dose 300 mg, and do well with it. I am also on an antidepressant, and anxiety med's. Have you tried talking with a therapist, one who specializes in grief and loss. along with depression. Can you treat the man you live with who you say is kind, like a room mate? As you need a roof over your head. Also I would look for a support group - they are a safe place to talk. Cannot think of anything else, except to say read anything trustworthy you can get your hands on, the library should have books. I wish you well, do come back and stay in touch, we will help you if we can. Sending Love & Peace. Sprinkle 1

[Summersun1soon in reply to Sprinkle1]

That was a very nice reply. You have given me a some hope and wonderful resources. Best to u.