My first post

Just joined tonight. Joining has helped me get out of my head--I have persistent negative/catastrophic thoughts due to being emotionally abused from my formative years onward for about 15 years, and so my neuropathways have been formed to think I'm garbage and things are my fault when they aren't. Fear rules a lot of my life.

What got me on here tonight was that my dad had toe surgery and has to lie down with his foot elevated for 5 days straight. I'm catastrophizing about what could go wrong. The doctor seems optimistic that it will work out and he will be in a walking boot come next week. But the thoughts are going around like "he's going to die, I'm going to collapse" etc. Once the thoughts start, others like to piggyback onto them ("the world is awful, I'm awful, I'll never get better") and if I'm not careful I can wind up a sobbing mess. Not that crying is a bad thing. But the anxiety makes life so hard. I don't have a job, and my parents can afford to take care of me. When they die I will get something of an inheritance, but it won't be enough to retire on. And I feel soooo far away from being able to work.

Anyway, just thought I'd come on here and share a bit. I'm really sensitive and afraid a lot of the time.

[Hidden]

I am the same way, my mom is having surgery soon and I am going in a mental tailspin about that. It’s always something I’m obsessed over.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Yeah. Even if my dad weren't going through this, my brain would find other things to worry about. It's a difficult thing, allowing the thoughts to come and not pushing them away but letting them evaporate. I haven't yet been able to do this effectively.

[Draynor]

Welcome, anxiety is fear its normal. I'm sorry that you have to go through it, and that your dad is currently injured. i had a panic attack today luckily i managed it and it wasn't too bad. Have you ever heard of Dr. claire weekes. Someone shared this link with me and it really helped me to understand and deal with my anxiety. youtu.be/REOdAWCv-BQ(Not working as expected?)

[Hidden in reply to Draynor]

I haven't, but I've seen a lot of literature. I tend to resent a lot of it because I feel like I've tried everything. I also self-medicate with alcohol (I don't take my alprazolam when I drink because the combination can cause breathing problems) and avoid a lot, so I don't always put in the work and instead do what's easier. Which doesn't help me, but here it is.

[b1b1b1]

Are you seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist. If not, you should. Seeking treatment will gradually reduce the pain and fear you are living with.

[Hidden in reply to b1b1b1]

I see both. They do help, but as I replied above I tend to do what's easier. The medications I take really do help a lot. Therapy would help more if I were more proactive instead of avoidant.

[Michael8072]

I go through the same things once one thought enters my head then the rest pour in right behind. Like a trickle down effect. I try to turn the negative thoughts and twist into positive or positive things to focus on.

I hope your fears subside soon and your dads foot heals and goes into the boot. So you can relax a bit.

Hugs. Sorry your going through this.

[momonthego2019]

Thoughts are so powerful. When we think good, positive thoughts, the world can seem like such a wonderful place full of hope, peace, and happiness. When we think bad, negative thoughts, than everything around us seems wrong, "off", hopeless, dangerous, etc. We can't control the thoughts that pop into our minds at times but we can choose how much we dwell on them. Its not easy but the key is to not give up and to seek help and support so that we don't have to walk this journey alone.

[Hidden in reply to momonthego2019]

Well, we can choose how much we dwell on the negative...however, I've been bred since day one to dwell on the negative, so it's very difficult.

I want to let people know here why I was away for several days: my brother had his first bona fide panic attack, and was in the hospital for 5 nights 5 1/2 days. He's not the same now. He's very tentative and fragile and vulnerable. There are ok; I've made sure to listen to him and be patient and if he wants to rest, he rests, whenever he asks.

But he's not the person I knew. Maybe he'll get back there one day. When I say "he's not the person I knew", I mean he's self off anxiety-wise by a lot of things that he wasn't set off by before.

I should probably make a new post out of this now. Here it comes.