Could my past have caused my anxiety?

[Carlalesley15]

Hey guys. Ever since my diagnosis I’ve always felt different, like not myself anymore. So much that i don’t even remember who i was without my anxiety. I’ve always felt these waves of sadness but lately I’ve been noticing that I’ve had them more because I’ve had problems with a lot of people close to me. 1. I got in a big fight with a childhood friend and this girl told me some really bad things and I didn’t want to make the issue bigger so I simply didn’t reply to her. It’s been a month since I opened her message and she hasn’t apologized which is fine but it’s really hurt to loose someone who I considered family. 2. About a month ago, I was kicked out of my home. I used to live with my parents. My dad has always been a violent person, I saw him beat my mom for years and later me, there was 2 occasions where he beat me up so bad I had black eyes and swollen face. This recent one he was drunk and I came home late from a night out (keep in mind I’m 20 almost 21 in about 2 weeks) and he was arguing with me for no reason I knew I had came home late and I simply gave him my car keys and accepted any punishment we wanted. I was going up the stairs when we grabbed me by my Hair and dragged me to the kitchen where he kicked me everywhere I yelled and yelled at him telling him so much that I probably wished death on him. I think o did that because he has never apologized for not one beating not even the ones I had to watch him do to my mom as a little girl. He kicked me out and my mom let him. I currently live with my grandma and I’m safer but I feel so sad cause although I hate my dad now i didn’t always I’m sad because i feel like he should love me right. I’m his little girl he has to right? He hasn’t even tried to talk to me and it hurts I know it shouldn’t but it does and it’s really starting to affect me I feel sad not living in my home not having my bed, stuff, space. I feel like I constantly think about how downhill my life has gone in the past month and I try to be happy, I sometimes genuinely feel happy but then I get stuck in this spiral where I’m sad.

[Hello2789]

I'm sorry for what you have been through and what you're still going through. It definitely does have an effect, I had the same issues has a child seeing my dad beat my mum. I think everything bad that happens to us has a huge impact with the way we are as a person to the way we see things in life. I was only 4 when I saw what my mum had to go through but she found the strength to leave him and I haven't seen him since because he had a drug addiction and that become his priority but weirdly I don't even care his non existent in my life.. what did effect me in this was ending up in a violent relationship myself and then I had my daughter and thats when I found the strength to leave because I didn't want my daughter growing up seeing me go through what I did and what I saw my mum go through. I feel like everything we go through in life makes us who we are. Its hard for me to hear when someone has been hurt by someone who is meant to love and protect them because its had such a huge impact on me and changed my whole life from the way i think to the way I act and knowing other people go through it makes me sad cause its so hard to even make sence as to why such horrible things can happen. Just know that its not you its him who has the issues but what you have and are going through is because of everything thats happened to you. You have every right to be sad but never doubt yourself and your ability to be strong and keep pushing through eachday. I left my daughter's dad when she was 2 and she is now 7 and everything he done to me still effects me now and its so hard but I try to keep pushing everyday. Of course we all will have days where we want to just scream and give up from all the pain we've endured but then we need to rememeber how far we have come and how far we still have to go and none of what has happened to us is our fault.

I really hope you can get through this I always find speaking and listening to people who have been through similar experiences sometimes helps cause makes you realise we really aren't alone even though it feels like we are.

[Carlalesley15 in reply to Hello2789]

Thank you so much for reading and giving me your own opinion and experiences. What you said about being hurt by someone who is meant to love and protect them it tricky touched me that’s exactly how I feel. I think my anxiety or maybe not even my anxiety makes me constantly think about it and I spiral into sadness but I’ve never really let out I don’t talk about what happened to me to anyone and it felt good just to have an outlet to write out my thoughts but I’m glad you and your daughter are well and safe I’m glad there are moms who stick up from their children despite there love and fear from their spouse.

[RiderontheStorm]

Yes, definitely. I am 60 years old and the chaos I suffered as a child/teen still plagues me today. It has made me both very successful professionally and taken a shit on my personal life.

After so many counseling sessions the only answer I come away with is "Perspective" and *A short memory is the key to happiness". I have never been able to wrap my head around the term forgive.