My anxiety is destroying my life.

[Sirtified94]

In November of 2014 I enlisted into the Army, I was excited to be able to do something bigger amd to make my friends and family proud. I was due to be shipped off to Ft. Benning GA in February and all was going as planned. Right before I left, the mother of my child and I split due to complications in our relationship and I was devastated, but that wouldnt stop the world from turning I knew that.

Skipping ahead a month and a half I was severely struggling with depression anxiousness and suicidal thoughts due to the intense training, the lack of sleep and the longing to be back at home with my family. I had been receiving mail from my family back home with words of encouragement, but that was simply not enough to get me through the racing fears and constant feelings of hopelessness going through my head. On top of all this going on my father (my idol) was fighting his battle with COPD and Alzheimer's and was steadily declining.

I tried to refuse to train in hopes that I would receive an article and be shipped home to my loved ones and be able to conquer these emotional issues I was having along with being able to help take care of my father. I was told I could not quit and was forced back into training... This was my breaking point.

I sought help after because suicide seemed like my only option to get out of the horrid situation. My training was put on permanent hold and I started receiving group counseling at an institution on base that went on for a few weeks. After which I was told I would be chartered out of the Army and sent home which wouldve been the best news ever except I had to wait in my paperwork which in my case took about 2 months to be completed...

In those two months I was labeled a "quitter" and was treated as a second class citizen by my peers and was made to do various manual labor tasks including cut grass all day and extra services and duties for the company.

In late June I finally was chaptered out of the Army and I was relieved to be home to see my family once again and to help take care of my father and see my daughter again.

Skipping forward I have had over 10 jobs since I've been home none of which I've held longer than 3 months, my father passed away of his illnesses this March and my anxiousness and depression is ruining my life. Ive been to the local free clinic where i was described two medications for my anxiety and it just made me tired or did nothing at all. Every morning I wake up with dread and fear of the day ahead. I'm struggling with not knowing what to do or where to turn. My financial obligations are not being met and I don't know what's going to happen in the near future. I feel like I've let down everyone I care about and I'm unsure where to go from here.

[Hidden]

Im really sorry for your lost. Have you tried calling 211 they might help you find free counseling/therapy to help guide you.

[Sirtified94 in reply to Hidden]

I haven't, I did not know such a resource existed I've been trying to deal with this without medication maybe therapy is an option. Just unsure because group counseling didn't help.

[Hidden in reply to Sirtified94]

Yea you can call them explain your situation and they'll help. Not just with therapy though you can ask for anything... i don't take meds either but im in therapy. I hate meds

[Sirtified94 in reply to Hidden]

Is this the avenue you went for your therapy? And idk bc I don't know what to do about my job

[Hidden in reply to Sirtified94]

No i already started therapy before i heard about them. Is there something specific you like. What kind of job u want

[Sirtified94 in reply to Hidden]

No not in particular not that's easily attainable not that actually pays well I used to want to be a personal trainer lol but they don't make much unless they are extremely successful with their clientel

[kbrolfes]

I feel your pain. I lost my dad in March ...I think the hospital killed him. Anyway, so I have that and then my boyfriend of 5 years and I broke up 2 months ago. My depression and anxiety have been consistent pretty much. My newest obsession is not being able to eat. I have no desire to eat so that scares me. I was to meet someone that I met on a match.com site (but chickened out). He is now willing to meet me if I still want to meet him. I told him he would be my practice. How awesome is that. I just want to stop feeling so bad. I feel so embarrassed for having to disclose all of this to this guy...But I do want to meet him, because maybe we can be friends. I have no one. I mean, I do..that's a lie, but I feel like I have no one. It sucks. It really sucks. Praying for you and for me. You are not a failure. You did the best that you could with what you had going on... no one can judge you. They are not in your shoes. Try not be hard on yourself (easier said than done, I know). Hoping we both get of this alive. Remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know it doesn't feel temporary, but it is. You will get past this. You need to find the right support systems. Hugs my friend.

[Sirtified94 in reply to kbrolfes]

Thank you for your kind words at least there are some people in ghee online community with words of encouragement, hard to find friendly people in these times.

[Celtic27]

No wonder your having problems the amount of things youve had to deal with i lost my mother 2 years ago and i still find that i miss her a lot ! Im disgusted at the armys treatment of you not everyone is able to complete the training throught no fault of there own and you should have been councilled instead of being ostracized! I really hope that with the correct help for any suicidal thought you may have you will get well soon all the best david

[Sirtified94]

Yes I agree David, making someone an outcast is literally the worst thing that someone can do. And thank you for your kind words.

[b1b1b1]

It is a terrible situation to be in basic training and be depressed and upset at the same time. I really feel for you. Leaving basic training was probably a very good first step.

[Karenk2]

Hi- I agree that leaving basic training was a positive thing. It sounds like you might be experiencing PTSD from your experiences. If there is a Department of Health and Human Services near you, I would suggest going there. Medication is not bad. I'm on several for depression, believe me, they do help!

[Britishbulldog]

Hi sirtified 94 your not a quitter in fact with what you have been through so far in your life far from it!i know the morning feeling the dread of the day ahead but it will pass give it time!its day at a time!try to plan your day keep busy!it deflects bad thoughts!i wish you well!best wishes britishbulldog

[Sirtified94 in reply to Britishbulldog]

Thank you for your words encouragement britishbulldog ive been trying to do just that, busy is good!

[Jess831]

Hi David, it sounds like it's been a really rough year! You've been through a lot of tough losses in a short time. I do think that some kind of therapy, especially a mindfulness therapy, could be helpful. You need to find a way to come back to appreciating the small everyday good parts of your life. The sky, the air, food, the good moments with your kids. To give yourself a break from the stress of your anxiety.

You didn't tell us what happened with your jobs, and why you weren't able to keep them. Were you just having a hard time getting out the door to go to work, or dealing with the people? I think a therapist could help you get stable. One other thing that I found helped me was taking kava supplements. It takes a while for them to build up and start working (about a week) but they are do seem pretty effective. I like the ones from Gaia. I think the idea of calling 211 is a really good one. I hope you can get some help there.