If only!

[claire0410]

I just need to vent this evening. I have only been dealing with anxiety for the last three months or so. I am seeing a counselor and started to feel like I was starting to learn how to handle my feelings. More good days than bad, being able to refocus my attention when I needed to was making me feel more positive. Then there was a hiccup and I totally tanked for the last few days. My husband who has been very supportive, and who is scared sh------- about me, really made my blood boil. I am retired, but work part-time during the school year and start back this week. He said he's sure once I go back to work and we get back into our "routine", my anxiety and sadness will just disappear. I wanted to scream! I know he can't even begin to know how this feels and how draining emotionally, mentally and physically it is. he tries to help me as much as he can and I know he is terrified by the change in me, but I just wanted to slap him. I try to be upbeat as much as I can, but it can be so hard. I will say when I got mad, I started to feel a little better😉

[HearYou]

Dear Claire,

As you said you needed to vent about your husband's comment and not to understand your anxiety, I am glad this venue is a good place for it, but am sorry you may have also vented your anger at your supportive husband. You wrote it felt good to get angry, I agree. It does feel good to release my frustration about anxiety, by using a metal baseball bat and striking a large, sturdy tree a few times.

My husband is as innocent as that tree when it comes to the cause of, or understanding, my anxiety. Both my husband and that tree just accept it. I have to accept neither will fully understand my anxiety or my frustration.

I am retired and have been dealing with PTSD for 17 years. I do not wish to lose the most supportive person in my life nor my beautiful tree, just because the first may say something that indicates he doesn't understand my PTSD, and the other doesn't talk at all. I try to be careful how I respond to my husband and how many times I abuse that oak.

Unfortunately, I am embarrassed and afraid that I am not always successful about this and have left a few scars on both.

Now, when my frustration is high, my husband attends my therapy session. I fertilize the oak, use plastic bats and keep a journal. Found these approaches more productive and leave no scars to either.

I do understand your frustration and your anger. Hopefully, you and your husband can find ways to better understand and accept your anxiety affects both of you. And perhaps you find your brand of oak tree.

[claire0410 in reply to HearYou]

Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. I am in fear of losing my best friend and biggest fan. I know getting angry is not the answer, and I try very hard not to lash out at him - I usually just walk away for awhile and try to get past it. He is my rock and my anchor. I will look for my own "oak tree" and do my best not to leave scars! Thank you for making me smile and reminding me how lucky I am to have him.

[HearYou in reply to claire0410]

Hi, getting angry is normal sometimes, just not at him. How could anyone understand our anxiety unless that person has experienced it? We try to explain it, but just does't make sense to them. May husbandattending a therapy session sometimes helps as we focus on what he can't understand, what he might understand, and we don't know how to explain it. Sometimes I a draw rough childlike cartoon of what my anxiety from PTSD feels like when hits....huge swirling mass of confusion, then hands of tools given be my therapist, then hands reaching out of blabbing nonsense words, then he suggesting things will be normal when start certain things happen or different, and the whole mass of swirling massive of lines getting much bigger or show me walking away from the whole mess with a big "sigh"....and a sign stating "I don't know how to explain. I know you are trying to help."They want to help, but actually don't know how. The therapist and you could help explain what you think would be helpful.

He did make a point, though. Your part time work in the school may distract you from your anxiety a bit, as that will use some of the energy anxiety needs to feed itself.

We do scare our husbands to the point their love may reach the point of giving up on us. We are the women they married, but now chronic anxiety is part of us. They never expected this. They need to be shown how to cope with us, live with our anxiety, they need as much help as we do.

Because anxiety from now on may be just part of our normal life, and we have to learn ways to control or lessen it, and learn ways to continue our marriages.

Best wishes to you.