No motivation but trying to fight and not look back

[420Zippo]

I'm tired. Straight tired.

Recent diagnosis of pseudotumor cerebri and the current medication to alleviate the pain and potential loss of vision causes severe side effects that affect my ability to function (am lethargic a lot: need to lie down at a moments notice, hot/cold flashes, confusion, etc.)

Am really nervous all the time and aggravation is not wanted or welcome.

I recently decided to end codependent relationships. I haven't reached out to my dysfunctional family in a week and am okay with that.

I got a text from my primary agitator and trigger (mother) yesterday stating that she misses me and that my nephews,who she has temporary custody of, want to know what they did for me not to come around. Manipulation at its finest.

I texted back for her to leave me alone with the foolishness and have a nice day. I don't want anything to do with anyone who has any negativity going on. Please understand, I know that life happens but it's how you deal with it that makes all the difference.

I need support. I need to be able to talk to someone positive.

Please help me. I feel like I am loosing my sanity and I know it's just a trick to keep me in a negative space. Is there anyone who would like to communicate daily?

Thank you. Be well.

[Loveydovey0519 Ambassador]

Hey there zippo, sorry to hear about your recent diagnosis. That alone I'm sure is enough to bring your spirits down in the dump. I know all too well how being 'exhausted' all the time feels. More days than not I'm drained, once I get done with work all I want to do is come home and do nothing. I'm only 28, so it's uncommon for many to feel the way I do. Do you have anyone (friends) you can talk too about how you're feeling? I see you said your family situation is a bit wonky it seems. I'm also here to chat if you need or want too. Take care 😄

[420Zippo in reply to Loveydovey0519]

Hi loveydovey0519,

I don't have any friends who are here where I currently live. The one person who I can talk to, isn't available (lives in another state) and quite frankly has asked me why I even deal with my family.

That person is always busy, only communicates by quick texting, doesn't initiate communication with me unless I contact them first and even then there's no guarantee that they will respond. Usually the response is very dry so I am leaning towards ending that relationship as well because it's dysfunctional as well.

All that I have are my thoughts and God. Nothing more or less.

I know that suicide is not the answer. God will never forgive me. Besides, my current situation and life is hell enough so to spend eternity in hell is not something I want to endure.

I don't trust anyone because I am extremely cynical due to PTSD. My thoughts are that most people are only in it for how it can benefit them. No benefit, they don't care.

[Windy101 in reply to 420Zippo]

Sounds like taking care of yourself and getting more support are really important right now. You are dealing with so much. Is there an organization that could provide a helper or a hotline with someone to talk to? Your friend does sound unavailable and I know what's that like. I have one who just got into a relationship and zip - she's gone. I've finally given up because I'm tired of feeling like a pest or ignored. Come here as much as you like as there are many kind people with good ideas that might help you! I am sending you warm thoughts that you will feel better soon and have your needs better met. Take good care!

[420Zippo in reply to Windy101]

Windy101,

Thank you kindly for your words of encouragement. There are not many support groups where I live. I went to a NAMI support group once and after it was over couldn't go back because it was a huge trigger for me.

I endured feelings of guilt being that at the time the disease was in remission and I had returned to work. Almost all of the participants weren't on the same level that I was at at that time. (Actively seeking and wanting to be healthy.) They had a lot of dysfunctional situations that they were dealing with and for me it was too much.

I will continue to pray and cry. (To ease my pain and let it go) I cried last night/early morning because I know deep down inside that in order for me to be healthy and at peace, I must walk away even if it means walking alone. I can't heal or be healthy by holding onto or ruminating in negativity and limiting myself to a hell (mentally) that I don't deserve no matter what I have done in my life.

God forgives. I forgive because God wants me to be free and give my burdens to Him.

Again thank you for the support.

Have a beautiful blessed day.

[Windy101 in reply to 420Zippo]

Maybe when you are feeling better you could volunteer with NAMI. Sounds like you have some insights that could benefit the other members. Just a thought!

[420Zippo in reply to Windy101]

Maybe. Just want to make sure that I am well enough to help, not hurt.