Please pray or send good vibes because I really need them. I’m scared because of the feelings and thoughts I’m having and I just am not feeling like myself, not right, at all. I am tired of living this life. I messed with my meds I can’t seem to cut down much on my benzos; if I do I feel like I’m loosing it.
Not doing well but I managed to get m... - Anxiety and Depre...
Not doing well but I managed to get myself to paint
Written by
Starrlight
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
64 Replies
•
I'm glad you were able to refocus for a while. I've always loved hearts.At one time, I was called "The Queen of Hearts" because I wear a different
one every day. Your picture shows the "love" you have in your life for your
children. Hang onto that thought. We've got you 
xx
❤️
I’m trying to hang on I don’t know who I am anymore
You are such a beautiful person inside and out. A loving mother who hasalways put her children's happiness first.
You can't help this disease that takes hold of you from time to time.
That's not the Starrlight I've come to love and respect.
I pray that these feelings and thoughts will leave you just as fast as they
overcame you. I know what Benzos can do to the mind. It's a powerful drug
but you are stronger. You must believe in that. Sending you good vibes xx
I know how you feel like you're loosing it. But you're not. You are still here ❤️
That is some beautiful work. I'm glad you have a creative outlet.
I know it's rough but we can weather this storm. I know you can do this! And of course you always have this place 🌹❤️
There's a good chance cutting back on benzos is contributing to your bad time. You were so brave to do it now, with all the trouble you've had lately! You deserve a hand getting through the woods.
It's not just you Starrlight. My experience cutting back tells me you do get scared. You take them to manage anxiety and fear. They take over for your body doing it alone... and then you need more benzos to get that effect. When I cut back, I was awake and frightened for a long time. That's why it is recommended to set your own schedule to cut back very slowly. They're nasty things. Here's a site that may help you. It's about "The Ashton Method".
I lose myself in your paintings. The emotion comes through clearly. You did manage it. Brave girl, it's beautiful.
Ashton is spot on with her method. I believe in her work.
❤️🐬
I love the painting! I've done just enough illustration work (mostly charcoal and graphite) to see what an amazing relationship you have with your paintbrush. How you can know what your paintbrush is going to do and have it as an extension of yourself, and still, I bet, have it surprise even you.
I haven't used anti-anxiety medicine, but I do get my own level of anxiety, and I use meditation and cardio to deal with it. And I think my weighted blanket helps, too. I used to do a lot of yoga, and that was probably the most powerful, but it's also the most expensive. But these days meditation is what I turn to, and ten minutes of it, led by the author of the Waking Up App, always seems to calm me down, and prevent my anxiety from getting worse, or even leading to hypomania.
And you know what has really helped in the past? Reading something fun for 20 or 30 minutes each day. Just knowing that I can set aside time for it makes things seem like they must not be so bad. Also, getting immersed in another world lets me stop ruminating on this one. And also, having my brain slow down and read one word ... then another word ... then another, and they make a picture -- the slow pace calms me, I think.
I bet painting has some of those same thought-regulating qualities -- so if you're not worried about judging what you make, then it could be calming, too. My whole life I used to play piano whenever I was anxious, but I stopped when the pandemic started -- I really don't know what that's about.
Reading what, now? I try to read too.
I like sci fi most, I think. As a teenager I was all about fantasy, but I don't find it as "fantastic" to my adult mind as science fiction is. I'm just about to start "American Gods." (But, I'm not really a reader. I wish I made more time for it when I wasn't needing it to treat my stress!)
Did you read Speaker For The Dead? My current favorite sf.
I like Gaiman too. What was the one about the London underground?
I'll put Speaker on my list! I haven't read Gaiman but I heard his audiobook about norse mythic tales. Mostly the past 10 years I've been reading Stephenson. I read really slowly, which is good when you're trying to distract yourself from anxiety, but it means you don't cover much ground.
That's a new writer for me. "Stephenson". Which of his books do you recommend?
Oh, by the way. Speaker is a sequel. You don't have to read the first book first to enjoy it, but if you're interested, Ender's Game is the title. (Ya, I know they made a movie. It stinks.) Both of them won both the Hugo and Nebula awards.
I love finding free audiobooks online. When I can't focus to read, I listen.
My goal is to get through this: npr.org/2011/08/11/13908584...
Thanks! Looks good. How far have you gotten?
Not sure NPR is my favorite go-to for sf recommendations though. How's this?
amazon.com/Science-Fiction-...
Those are the top science fiction short stories "of all time", voted on by the Science Fiction Writers of America.
As I recall, there are three volumes. See what you think, and let me know.
So excited to have another sf reader to chat with!
There's some terrific stuff in there! (Some clunkers too.)
Ok thank you I’ll check out the link soon
Sending lots of love your way. I hope you find some comfort.
Nice work! No one would chose to have this illness Starr, but, we all have it and must live with it as best we can. I don't know much about Benzo's but, for now I wouldn't attempt cutting down. So I am just sending you some good Chi, from across the Pond and hope you feel better tomorrow. 🧓🙏
Dubba, I have to go off ... I am in a hole of addiction now. I’m so low. My husband is helping me by keeping them and only give me what we decide on which is tapering down from week to week. I feel pathetic a lone and like I might die. I took a lot of benzos with alcohol and Propanolol even though I know it can stop my heart this is not like me I’m not me anymore I am slipping away.
Starrlight, please show your husband the link I sent you above. Tapering more every week is very painful and you may need an addiction specialist to help if you must do it.
All my good wishes beautiful girl. Yes, you too.
I did call an addiction specialist it’s just that I feel like I can’t leave my kids they need me here right now getting school courses straight and stuff. This will have to do I believe.
In my thoughts...
I couldn’t view the link ... I’m going to try again
Ohh, thats not good! Glad you've got a Hubby that will help though. My best wishes to you.
Hope you are well
Starlight you are so talented it’s unbelievable I loved seeing your painting. Please remember what you are feeling is because of a chemical reaction. Call a support person, or go check yourself in if you feel like hurting yourself. I know that sounds harsh, but you need to keep yourself safe. You are a very special person, I wish I could write like you. Please please please ask for help. Let me know how you are doing.
Awww Thank you so much Lolanell It is morning and I’m struggling. I haven’t taken a benzo yet. But I stepped outside and the nature hearing the crickets and smelling theme plants is a good distraction. I’m afraid to think about how my day will go without usual amount of benzos. Thanks for being here. How are you doing?
⭐️Beautiful painting. You are so talented.
I'm sorry for your struggles. You do have to wean very slowly off benzo..... very slowly. You may be trying to go off too quickly.
Keep painting. It's a great way to express yourself and get " lost" for awhile.
❤️🐬
I just saw a goose fly by and it seems he knows where he’s going. I do not. Maybe I will suffer a lot going off the way I am but that’s ok I just want them out of my system. My husband says after one has completed weaning off then it brakes 4 weeks for the brain to normalize. So I look forward to that. (((((( 🐬)))))))
We chatted in your post yesterday about that goose. Nothing outside of being a goose effects him. Nature.... It's amazing.
You keep at it. 4 weeks isn't bad. Did you read the link NBP posted about the Ashton method?
❤️🐬
Thank you. No I couldn’t view the link.
If you're having trouble with the link, search "Ashton method", then look for the link from benzo.org.uk.
It has wonderful information about switching to a benzo that stays in your system longer while you're tapering, so you don't get bounced around so much.
Goose?
Praying you feel better soon. Please do know that you have friends here sending good vibes in your direction. God bless xx
Thank you so much! How are you ?
That is such a beautiful painting! You have real talent. You just hang in there, bad days pass even though you can’t imagine feeling better right now. Sending you lots of healing vibes! ❤️
Starrlight• in reply to
Thank you. I don’t know how I’ll feel coming out on the other side of benzos Scary. Hope you are doing well!!! How’s life treating you?
• in reply toStarrlight
Thank you for asking. The past few days have been somewhat better. I can’t quite explain why. I have managed to get some exercise which I really need to do on a regular basis to feel ok. I’ve managed to get a couple of day of something in. Maybe that helped. I’m sorry you are struggling with your medication. I hate the whole medication thing. I know sometimes it’s necessary but it has be so many drawbacks too!
Starrlight• in reply to
Exercise does help tremendously. I love to hike but if I can’t get out I jump on the trampoline with my kids. I’m really glad you’ve found it’s helpful to you and that you’ve been feeling good. I bet it’s linked.
You are in my prayers. I too am not doing well and I am back on my benzos and unfortunately they are not helping much. I am thinking I need more, but am afraid to increase. I know what you are going through and I hope as I hope for myself better days ahead. I try to find things to be thankful for and rely on my support people a little more. Try to keep busy, exercise and take care to nourish your body with healthy foods and lots of water. Take time for self love. We will improve in time. We always do. Hugs💕
I hope so. Part of me thinks I’ll be better off without those meds the other part feels I’ll be worse off but well I’ll just do my best to deal with what comes my way. I understand you being hesitant to increase the benzos. I hope the very best for you. I’m here if you ever want to talk.
Thank you, Starrlight! I hope the very best for your outcome. I’m happy to say I was blessed with a day of very little anxiety and I could smile and feel the joy in life. I was able to drop a dose of my benzo, too. I really only take it when I need it. Sometimes it’s so hard to judge. I am here if you need to talk as well; anytime!❤️
It's been such a hard day for me. For some reason, being overheated, pain, and anxiety all get mixed together. I wanted to escape. I wanted a sedative, but I don't want to go farther down that road again. I'm glad your husband is supporting you through this. It's hard. I'm thinking of you.
I’m so sorry. You are brave and strong. I need to face things.
I understand. I completely support you in your choice.
I’ll be praying for you Starrlight. I finally was prescribed benzos for my severe anxiety, and I’ve been having to take them regularly too. Just try to remember that you won’t always need them, but if you really do right now, that’s okay.
Well I’ve been on them for a long time snd they are causing me problems like my body craves more and I was feeing out of control.I think fit me it’s time to get off of them
Starlight. Please please visit a website called anxietynomore.co.uk and learn what is happening to you and why. Also read Dr Claire Claire Weekes and practice her teachings in full until it becomes second nature. Then keep practicing more.
You will learn that:
1. You are not losing it. Far from it. It's just anxiety making you think and feel that way. Allow yourself to lose it. Nothing will happen;
2. the old you is not lost, it's just buried beneath the symptoms of anxiety and waiting to resurface once you understand that anxiety is bluffing you and learn to accept and let go instead of recoiling and adding more fear which keeps stopping up your anxiety and creating more if those thoughts and feelings you fear.
3. to stop all those thoughts and feelings, you must let yourself think and feel everything and do absolutely nothing to change any of it.
4. that the most powerful medication to help you overcome anxiety is acceptance.
5. Keep painting and doing all the other normal stuff, despite how you may feel. By continuing to do normal things and letting the anxiety be there without resistance, normal thoughts and feelings will gradually return.
If you follow this advice, recovery is just a matter of when, not if.
Best wishes
Beevee
Thank you. I’ve been through a lot of anxiety and overcome for instance I no longer have panic attacks. I will get through this pain of withdrawal too. I wonder what I will uncover.
"Allow yourself to lose it. Nothing will happen" -- this spoke to me. I discovered something like it when my Geodon made me anxious all the time at first. Every few months I would realize I was hanging onto a feeling, scared to lose control, and that the hanging on was the most destructive part. So I'd let go of my control and just let my brain run wild. And within moments I would adjust to a new level, some added calm, and more confidence that I got this.
...and that, my friend, is what acceptance is all about. Anxiety only stays around because sufferers wont releasee their grip of it.
I also came across a quote about anxiety which is true. "You wont get better until you stop trying to get better."
It is the trying to do something about it that keeps people stuck in the cycle. Stop trying and do nothing instead but keep moving forward, doing things as if you didn't have anxiety and take it with you for the ride. Recovery is then just a matter of time.
Interesting. I think this is some of the positive effect of meditation, too. "Let go of the narrative that you are the sum of all those thoughts ricocheting around your brain and realize they are just thoughts, they are not you. You don't have to remain true to their pessimism and ill reason to keep your sense of identity. "
Like you say, they are only thoughts. A form of energy passing through but given a much elevated status by the anxiety sufferer because of the almost physical like force that propels them to the forefront of the list of "problems" that the sufferer feels obliged to worry over, stress over and figure out. If anxiety wasnt present, it is highly likely that those thoughts wouldn't even be there or even noticeable.
This energy will keep coming up for release and needs to be released. It's part of the natural healing process but sufferers do all they can to not feel it by avoiding, suppressing and deliberately distracting themselves so that energy stays trapped within.
How can someone be free of anxiety when they are not prepared to feel it?
This is what I am referring to when I say that sufferers of anxiety are not victims because to a very large extent, they are doing it to themselves because they are placing far too much belief in those anxious thoughts and adding morevfuelnto the fire or not allowing themselves to feel anxious without resistance.
I stopped searching for answers and trying to figure if all out when I realised for myself that I all my thoughts were anxious because I had an anxious mind. Nothing more, nothing less. In moments of peace (our natural default) , those anxious thoughts just weren't there. I just learned to let my mind chatter away and observed the chatter instead of getting involved. Gradually, all the symptoms just disappeared.
I tried what you suggest and it works when i can manage to let myself go and loose control. My body is so tight my mind twists and turns with fears but I let it go because I am holding onto nothing there is nothing I can do...control, there is no reason to... because it doesn’t help anything. Thank you for helping me see in a new way.
That's wonderful, Starr!
You are wonderful c-Mac!!!
Thank you for the prayer. One day at a time. Yes.
Beevee, this makes so much sense. I followed the link you posted earlier and would like to say thank-you. I read until the wee hours of the morning.
Not what you're looking for?
You may also like...
Not doing well
I’m dreading the holiday. I have no friends or family anymore. I’m going to my cousins in-laws...
Not doing so well
I am not doing well. I have so much anxiety and I feel like I constantly live in fear. I can’t...
Not Doing Well Today....
I am sure most of you longer term people know that I have been on this site for just over a year...
not doing well
I'm 59 and self employed. My husband divorced me because of my mental health problems. I have been...
Not doing well
i recently read a few triggering posts to me , ofcourse i 100% support people who want to vent and...
Related Posts
I am not doing well 
not doing well…
Ugh. I was doing so well. 
I’m not sure why I keep doing this to myself 
Not doing well Moderation team
ADAATeamRachelPartner
ADAATeamLisePartner
