Please give honest advice: Am tired of going in and out of the rabbit hole

Depression and anxiety is something that I have known all of my forty plus years in this world. I try to overcome the demons but it's almost like they are forever coming back.

I have suffered some of the worst abuse known to man: incest, being assaulted, psychological abuse and so much more by the time that I was 12 years old.

It's no wonder that I developed the fantasy/wish of ending my life. I had unsuccessfully tried multiple times to commit suicide by the time that I was 13. I'd try to cut. Nope can't do that. She'll know and then beat you. Nope can't hang yourself. I just want this to end as peacefully as possible so that I won't hear the berating or feel the beating: be it hand, shoe, belt, extension cord, hell even a hot iron. I'd run away from home only to end back up with her because she was and always has been selfish and extremely manipulative.

Over the years I have suffered with a loathe/love relationship with my mother. I hate what she either did or allowed others to do to me when I couldn't help myself or had the resources to go away.

I love her in the aspect that I am grateful to God for using her as a vessel to bring me into this world. I have a very hard time respecting her because of the manipulation that she does. I am finally reacting appropriately and not allowing the manipulation and abuse to continue. I am finally doing what I can to go away, live my life, and be free of the drama with her. Free of feelings that I can no longer bear to carry because eventually I end up in the rabbit hole.

The rabbit hole comes when something has happened in my life (thanks MH Tech, I still remember) and I shut down due to being overwhelmed and alone (physically and emotionally). I have periods of doing well for 2-3 months then I relapse.

I go from having a few months of working, paying my basic bills, hell even helping others even though they couldn't care less to offer me $5 for gas. Or if something is given or offered, there's a "catch".

So a few weeks ago, I was diagnosed with a rare neurological disorder after months of being in a lot of pain.

Extremely debilitating headaches, nausea, lethargy, and insomnia.

I needed a MRI and lumbar puncture done for the diagnosis to be determined. I needed someone to drive me to the appointment and then home as I couldn't drive myself home afterwards. I would need to lie down for a minimum of 48 hours afterwards due to the risk of severe injuries if I moved around longer than a few minutes.

My mother agreed to take me. Luckily I called her two days before the procedure was scheduled to ensure that she still could take me. (Intuition actually, kept having a nagging feeling about it) Guess what her answer was? I can't help you. Along with a dry ass sorry.

So I decided that this is it. No more. I don't visit often and if I do, I don't stay long. As of lately I haven't been around any of the foolishness and refuse to allow it into my home.

I called today and was greeted with the prodigal son hint. My mother knows that I have a very strong desire to do what is right in the eyes of God but she tries so hard to manipulate me by using that one fact and I have no choice but to cut her off.

I am praying that God will continue to help me. I had to resign from my position due to needing STD and couldn't get it or FMLA and I had used almost all of the unpaid 30 day leave that I took. So I am having to go a different route with my career. I don't like bouncing from position to position because I can't stand up and walk away. Enough is enough.

I have done best when:

I went away for a year and earned my GED and some training. Graduated valedictorian.

Completed first year of National Service Corp. Honored with Humanitarian Award.

Completed second year of National Service Corp. Earned education stipend for years one and two.

Moved to another state. Even though I hadn't worked in over 5 years, returned to work and became a manager within 45 days of employment. Worked for one year.

Then the bottom fell out. She's been back at it. Literally praying for my downfall so that I can either be there with her or depend on her. And I fell for it.

Five years more. A total of over fourth.

Yup, I'm done.

I am focused on being as strong and healthy as possible and negativity is not who I truly am.

Please help me. Please tell me honestly if I am wrong for walking away and living for me and what's important to me. I don't have much as far as materialistic things are concerned but I know that I have a good heart and deserve to have the love I deserve by giving it to myself.

I'm just tired of being alone with no positive support.

Thank you for reading and hopefully understanding what I am experiencing.

6 Replies

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  • Zippo,

    I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you as a child. That's more than a hundred people could deal with and you appear to have come out with a relatively healthy outlook. Congrats on all your accomplishments and the drive you have. Impressive, just simply impressive.

    I believe you are more than justified to walk away. Just because someone shares DNA with you doesn't mean they have the right to treat you poorly or that you're obligated to accept it. Your mom sounds like she has problems but you don't need to make them you're. You don't need to attend every conflict you're invited to. You'd better start looking out for you because it sounds like no one else is. It's not about being selfish, it's about being healthy and self preservation. If you had a friend that was being treated like you are, and they wanted a better life what would you tell them?

    Be prepared to be told that your wrong and selfish for walking away, but don't you dare believe it.

    Blood makes you related, trust makes you family.

    I know you don't want to be alone but don't be with someone who's constantly hurting you. A quote from the movie Some Kind of Wonderful "I would rather be alone for the right reason than with someone for the wrong".

    You deserve better than what you've been given. Don't let her behavior dictate your life. Remember that you may be told you're wrong and/or selfish, but that so far from the truth. Stay strong. Find a positive support system. Maybe that's here. 🙂

  • Thank you kindly.

    You know over the years people have called me crazy because admittedly I was severely depressed and trying everything and then some to alleviate the pain.

    It hurts so bad to be cast as crazy when in actuality crazy is continuously dealing with severe dysfunctional situations.

    I just can't do it anymore.

    I realized a few weeks ago that if my health severely declined until I needed someone to care for me, I would rather be at the mercy of staff in a facility as opposed to dealing with "loved" ones. Why? Because I would only be a check. Nothing more or less.

    Prayerfully God will not only keep me in the best of health so that I can remain independent and that I will have a better quality of life than what I have settled for.

    Thank you so much for your support and please keep in touch.

    Peace and blessings

  • Unbelievably horrible what you have been through. So sorry. I hope you know that God does not expect you to be abused. Jesus did not only take our sins to the cross he took our pain. After 22 years of abuse from my husband (now ex) I had to realize that. God is who brought me out of that. He gave me everything I needed to get out. You should definitely cut ties with your mother if she is causing you distress. You can forgive her but you don't have to ever be around her. Satan uses the closest people to us if that's what it takes to keep our lives a mess and away from our faith in God. Please live your life for you and only you and God until you meet someone who can show you the unconditional love that God meant for you to experience. You have accomplished so much you should be very proud of yourself. Please seek some therapy when you can. You really should talk to someone about what's happened in your life even though you are strong and have managed to educate yourself despite everything that the devil tried to use to disable you. After being away from my ex for 12 years now I am suffering from Major Depressive Disorder and anxiety. Even though I was a real success on my job. A few years ago out of the blue things started going downhill for me. Chronic pain throughout my body and continuously in a very tense state, even in my sleep is causing real problems. Even though I am taking 150 mg of Zoloft the tension is constant in my neck, jaws (biting down except when talking) legs, arms and my back. It's all over me. Hard to get to sleep and wake up stiff, soar and with pelvic pain that might get better during the day or might not. Meds only add to what you already experience when depressed. In 3 weeks I start therapy and I've been told I should have done that long before it got this bad. Please help yourself and don't worry bout your mother. It is not your place. Pray for her and let God handle her. She is grown you do. It need to be in her life. It would be different if she treated you with true unconditional love but she never has. I will pray for you. Live your live to the fullest. You never know, cutting her off completely may lead her to God. Sometimes we have to use tough love. God bless you!

  • I meant: she is grown and you don't have to be in her life. Oh forgot to mention as I WAS a success on my job 1 1/2 years ago I almost lost my job and was demoted. Trying my hardest after doing a great job started going down.

  • Dear Zippo. I agree with all that Super has said, and I wanted you to know that.

    You have lived through truly terrible times but by being the person you are, you have managed to survive it and achieve things to be proud of. You have the positivity inside of you that pushes you on for good things. But the connection you have with your mom not only serves as a reminder of your past, but it continues to cause you turmoil and distress. This person is not at all good for you and you must leave them and move on. This is what is described as a 'Toxic relationship' and you should not have it in your life... fibrodaze.com/toxic-relatio...

    We often feel that because someone is related by blood that we should endure them regardless, but this is not true. We should never allow anyone, no matter who they are, to use us, abuse us, and pull us into the gutter just because that is where they are.These people are unable to love or care and do not deserve any consideration. But because you're a good person, you're considering her feelings even after you have suffered a lifetime of abuse and continue to be uncared for and used by this person. You should not give a second thought to this woman...

    It is now time to break free. I understand this may be difficult despite the awful things that have happened, because in your heart you have wished for it to be different, and carried some hope that one day it might be. But the truth is that this woman is not the the person you wish she could be, she has not, and will never change. You must make a life for yourself, and when you do you will discover that it is a continual success, because you will not have the toxic connection to keep pulling you down and trying to destroy you.

    For what you have lived through, overcome and remained a good person, and achieved so much personally and professionally, you are an inspiration!! 🙂. Take the path to a new, better and positive life. Then allow yourself to heal. Get the help and support you need from a therapist and support group. Metaphorically Put this woman and this life in a locked box and throw away the key...Happiness is waiting for you, and you deserve it!!.. My sincere best wishes xx

  • Thank you so much for your support and honest advice. 👍🏽

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