Depression and anxiety is something that I have known all of my forty plus years in this world. I try to overcome the demons but it's almost like they are forever coming back.
I have suffered some of the worst abuse known to man: incest, being assaulted, psychological abuse and so much more by the time that I was 12 years old.
It's no wonder that I developed the fantasy/wish of ending my life. I had unsuccessfully tried multiple times to commit suicide by the time that I was 13. I'd try to cut. Nope can't do that. She'll know and then beat you. Nope can't hang yourself. I just want this to end as peacefully as possible so that I won't hear the berating or feel the beating: be it hand, shoe, belt, extension cord, hell even a hot iron. I'd run away from home only to end back up with her because she was and always has been selfish and extremely manipulative.
Over the years I have suffered with a loathe/love relationship with my mother. I hate what she either did or allowed others to do to me when I couldn't help myself or had the resources to go away.
I love her in the aspect that I am grateful to God for using her as a vessel to bring me into this world. I have a very hard time respecting her because of the manipulation that she does. I am finally reacting appropriately and not allowing the manipulation and abuse to continue. I am finally doing what I can to go away, live my life, and be free of the drama with her. Free of feelings that I can no longer bear to carry because eventually I end up in the rabbit hole.
The rabbit hole comes when something has happened in my life (thanks MH Tech, I still remember) and I shut down due to being overwhelmed and alone (physically and emotionally). I have periods of doing well for 2-3 months then I relapse.
I go from having a few months of working, paying my basic bills, hell even helping others even though they couldn't care less to offer me $5 for gas. Or if something is given or offered, there's a "catch".
So a few weeks ago, I was diagnosed with a rare neurological disorder after months of being in a lot of pain.
Extremely debilitating headaches, nausea, lethargy, and insomnia.
I needed a MRI and lumbar puncture done for the diagnosis to be determined. I needed someone to drive me to the appointment and then home as I couldn't drive myself home afterwards. I would need to lie down for a minimum of 48 hours afterwards due to the risk of severe injuries if I moved around longer than a few minutes.
My mother agreed to take me. Luckily I called her two days before the procedure was scheduled to ensure that she still could take me. (Intuition actually, kept having a nagging feeling about it) Guess what her answer was? I can't help you. Along with a dry ass sorry.
So I decided that this is it. No more. I don't visit often and if I do, I don't stay long. As of lately I haven't been around any of the foolishness and refuse to allow it into my home.
I called today and was greeted with the prodigal son hint. My mother knows that I have a very strong desire to do what is right in the eyes of God but she tries so hard to manipulate me by using that one fact and I have no choice but to cut her off.
I am praying that God will continue to help me. I had to resign from my position due to needing STD and couldn't get it or FMLA and I had used almost all of the unpaid 30 day leave that I took. So I am having to go a different route with my career. I don't like bouncing from position to position because I can't stand up and walk away. Enough is enough.
I have done best when:
I went away for a year and earned my GED and some training. Graduated valedictorian.
Completed first year of National Service Corp. Honored with Humanitarian Award.
Completed second year of National Service Corp. Earned education stipend for years one and two.
Moved to another state. Even though I hadn't worked in over 5 years, returned to work and became a manager within 45 days of employment. Worked for one year.
Then the bottom fell out. She's been back at it. Literally praying for my downfall so that I can either be there with her or depend on her. And I fell for it.
Five years more. A total of over fourth.
Yup, I'm done.
I am focused on being as strong and healthy as possible and negativity is not who I truly am.
Please help me. Please tell me honestly if I am wrong for walking away and living for me and what's important to me. I don't have much as far as materialistic things are concerned but I know that I have a good heart and deserve to have the love I deserve by giving it to myself.
I'm just tired of being alone with no positive support.
Thank you for reading and hopefully understanding what I am experiencing.