Being honest with who I am and where I am at in my life.

[Cgrabbe]

I guess I've always wanted to believe that I could manage my life. That my family's inherited mental illness didn't plague me. I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder when I was 18 years old. That was in 1990.

Bipolar disorder runs huge in my family, paternal grandmother, mother, uncles, cousins, it's always been everyone's fear not to get diagnosed with it.

I tried different meds over the years and everything always seemed to make me feel like I was living in a complete fog. I kept it a secret. I couldn't be honest and also be plagued by what everyone in my family so hugely denied. It was like being marked by horrible doom and something no one wanted to speak about.

I've been in and out of therapy throughout majority of my life. As I've gotten older I tried my best to manage my depression and anxieties the best I could.

I don't see that I suffer from mania and extreme highs like many in my family. I tend to have anxiety, nervousness, depression, that often make me physically feel sick. I tend more to avoid people and places. I am the most comfortable not leaving my home and dogs.

I am positive, upbeat, and generally happy majority of the time. I am better the less I am around others. I hate drama, arguing, negativity, and pessimistic people....

Ugliness, use you up, gossiping, haters.. I am better in my own head when I stay away and avoid these kinds of people.

I've always found it impossible to find people I can really trust. I've been let down, hurt, betrayed, and manipulated, by many.

The only thing I can really say that profoundly changed my life was opening my heart and finding faith in God.

Surrounding myself with the right people in my life and letting go and ridding my life of the wrong people has helped enormously.

As I've gotten older I've become comfortable with who I am and I don't feel the need to be a people pleaser. I love myself scars and all....I can finally sat that as hard as it is and was for me breaking the chains from my traumatic childhood, adulthood, and broken relationship with my mother was and is the only way I have found the freedom to heal and be honest with who I am and how I got here.

I am who I am from the life I've endured. But I have overcome it the best I can and I will never feel shamed for suffering from my depression and anxieties.

Somehow they have made me stronger, more empathetic, understanding, and a better version of myself because I've found acceptance within me. I accept me for me and that's what truly matters.

[BonnieSue]

Nice to meet you! I'm BD II and maybe you are, too. No big highs, just stay awake some nights into the next morning. Calm but awake, keeping busy the night passes quickly by, then I make myself go to sleep in the am for a few hours. Sometimes I feel like electricity is running through me. Those are my 2 symptoms of bipolar disorder. Diagnosed 1.5 years ago.

I, too, like myself just fine. I'm comfortable with myself and love the peace and quiet of my home. I like people, too, but I need some quiet time every day. I'm happy with a LOT of quiet time daily. I'm officially an extrovert according to the Myers-Briggs but I must be about equally between an extrovert and introvert.

I had a great childhood and great parents, no complaints. I've molded myself after traits that I admired in others and wanted to see in myself. I've discarded other traits I didn't like in myself. Some I probably haven't even noticed yet! I've delved deeply into my spiritual life and love that depth. I wish I laughed more often. I need more opportunities!

[Hidden in reply to BonnieSue]

I haVe anxiety and depression and am really scared of it. I'm on klonopin and just started taking trintellix. I have so much pressure in my head. I read a book once that said if your scared of it it gets worse and I can't stop being scared. I don't know what to do. I was on the phone with crises last night. I was off my antidepressant pristiq for two days and had to take my klonopin down by .50mg. I feel horrible. Pressure in my head. Really scared. My family doesn't want me on drugs so it's always a fight. What do I do?

[Cgrabbe in reply to Hidden]

Puppy11

I can't speak for what will be best for you. I am not a doctor. You have to decide what you know is working for you and decide what isn't. Listen to your body. Your family doesn't understand what is happening to you right now. Only you know what your going through in your mind and your body. Pay attention to that. Keep a journal and right down what you experience on and off medication.

Tell your doctor everything be honest. If you don't like something you are taking let them know about it. No one can help you find what will really work for you if you don't talk openly about your experience with it.

Know one knows your story or journey besides you. Take care of you first. Your family may not like your situation and that it is a good possibility that for now you need medication but if it's helping you don't need there approval.

Do what's best for you. You'll figure this all out just pay attention to how you feel, what you experience, and talk about it.

Take care puppy11

[Cgrabbe in reply to BonnieSue]

Yes, I also love the peace and calm of being alone with my dogs. I can be among friends and have a good time but that can drain me. I prefer being alone.

I love riding my bike to other towns, goingredients for long walks and seeing how many miles I can get in.

My husband worries when I take off for hours by myself. But it works for me.

I do stay up late sometimes when I become anxious about a procedure or test I have to do the next day. I have lost an unintentional 70 pounds, I don't have an appetite and several foods make me very sick.

I experience weak, tingling legs that cause me to drop on the floor. So much is happening with my health. I have an abundance of doctors and recently have been sent to the University of Iowa center for digestive diseases.

Take care SuzSz it was nice to meet you.

[hannah821 in reply to Cgrabbe]

Hi C,

If you can find a Nutritionist that might be able to help you with the weight problem. I recently lost 22 lbs not on purpose . Got advice and I am eating again although Im not even hungry.

[Cgrabbe in reply to hannah821]

Hi H,

I just gorgeous diagnosed with Gastroperiosis yesterday. So I have been a bit overwhelmed by all the information, liquid diet plan, etc. I finally found some excellent doctors to help me.

[hannah821 in reply to Cgrabbe]

Hi Cgrabbe,

Glad u found good doctors to help you.

[Hidden]

Thank you for this. Good for you 🙂

[lil_blu]

This is an old post but I couldn't help thinking that I wrote this 8 years ago. IDK if I'm manic depressive but I have been diagnosed with high anxiety and depression (I mean they go hand in hand right?). I only wish I was diagnosed and treated years ago instead of only 15 years back. I feel like I could have led a much more fulfilling life, rather than a lot of sadness and confusion...always knowing there was something wrong with me but unable to take my symptoms to the doctor because by the time I would have gotten into an appointment I would have felt like life was fine. I never had anyone support me when I was down, I was on my own and I knew it. I want to just say it just wasn't "advertised" like it is now. Introverted GenX.