Frustrated by society norms

[disturbedbysociety]

Hi everyone. I come from a small city of India with super Orthodox people living around me, including my parents. I have a bf and I'm really serious for him, and he is too. But here love marriages are a strict no and even though there is lot of time left before I get married all I can here is how my groom will be, what type of family will be chosen. Sometimes I feel like I should get away and loose contact and some other time I feel like better I should just kill myself. The pressure is really high and is making my mind unstable. It is affecting my relationship too, which is going through a really rough patch. I feel so lonely and confused and depressed all day long. I am an anxiety patient which my parents are unaware of. And though I was asked not to stop my medicines I had to because I didn't want to tell my parents about it for I am living with them at the moment. I seriously need help sorting all this out😢

[DMM218]

I really feel for you. The amount of stress your situation must give you will be awful. You will feel isolated and not able to be supported.

In life the only thing that you must do is to look after yourself. Not in a selfish way but you must live the life you want and not what others think you should have. Living someone's choices is a really hard thing to do. A life filled with regret is a terrible thing.

I'm in UK so arranged marriages are long gone. Being in love doesn't mean a happy marriage is guaranteed. True love comes after passion fades and both husband and wife reveal themselves openly. If you have picked wisely, your husband will love, respect and honor you. The marriage should be equal in terms of work and play, with the same life goals. Your husband should support you. You should be able to talk openly and honestly together without judgement. A marriage without physical desire will be difficult. Intimacy is an important bond which keeps you together through the years.

Now, you are in a relationship which may not become marriage due to your society and parents. Your choice is extreme. Run off leaving all of that behind and marry. Or accept an arranged marriage knowing you may not love your husband.

Either option could fail or work depending on so many variable things.

When I am completely unable to choose what path to follow I sit down at the crossroads and I wait. I have no idea what I waiting for, but I know I'm not yet prepared to make the right choice. As often as not, some other thing will happen which takes the decision from me. I'll get more information that makes it clear in my heart and mind where to go.

So do nothing. Maybe pray. That can help - I'm not sure of your religion but prayer seems universal. Don't force a decision.

At the moment your future is so unclear. It's natural to worry about it. But worrying over either set of possibilities will not make them happen one way or another. It's worrying over a future that may never come.

Better to spend each day doing what you love what gives you strength. Spend time with who you love, boyfriend, family, friends. It may be painful at times but trying to work out an impossible future keeps you from being in the present.

Maybe your payers will be answered. Maybe a third way will arise that can mean happiness for all. Keep an open mind and heart.

If anxiety is harming you take your medication. It is better to have to explain to your parents than to end up mentally broken by anxiety.

Keep posting for advice and take care.

[disturbedbysociety in reply to DMM218]

I feel like I should run away for a while. To stay alone and away from everything and everyone, which is of course impossible. I want my life my way. I am not that worried about what might happen after marriage but the constant talking about marriage. I'm just 22 but I got no space and no right to think of my own. I don't hate the thoughts others have, infact I respect them, and this leads to confusion. I feel like I'm not confidant enough to make my own decisions, situations influence me.

For once I wanna know what is right for me. I am in a relationship which has lasted for 5 years even though we are living miles away. We get to meet once in 3 months or so but the time we have is awesome. If a relationship lasts this long I won't say that you get to know your partner completely but at least you know their thinking process. He is always polite even when I fight with him like anything without any reason, because he knows that I am suffering.

In India there are 4 things that are being looked upon for marriage at my side-

1. Same culture

2. Same caste

3. Different gotra

4. Kundali match(at least 20 properties of yours must match with the other out of 36)

Now 2 of the 4 things match in my case, same caste and different gotra, but the 2 that don't make it all so difficult. He has a different culture and our kundli have just 16 and half match. And as I know this can create a blunder at my place. While on his side everyone is cool and I talk to his mother regularly, she likes me too.

But when I see my parents I feel guilty, I feel like I am such a shame for them, because 90% of the people in my society think the same way as my parents do. The experience is horrible and I get my panic attacks. Luckily I got a separate room so there's no one to notice but I feel so lonely and broken inside. I am in pain and I can't tell my parents that because I can't explain why all this is happening.

[DMM218 in reply to disturbedbysociety]

Can you visit relatives somewhere for a break?

Your matching system I'm not aware of, but it's 2/4 and only 3.5 short of 20 for kundali. Main difference is culture- which isn't a hard one to adjust to on marriage.

Can you talk to a woman in your family that you trust - maybe your mother - to see if this relationship could be considered. Women know how things can be made to work even if against men's initial thoughts. If you speak to them about respecting the family's decisions etc but wanting to try to keep happiness. If bf can be seen in a good way not restricted by the 4 factors etc. Is that possible?

[DMM218 in reply to DMM218]

Just looked up about kundali. Is this something that can be interpreted differently by different people?

It's not a perfect match but nothing ever is. Knowing your strengths and weaknesses already from your relationship could be added to this. So that you can work to adjust to each other better.

The kundali isn't an exact science and just gives a possibility of a thing not a certainty.

[DMM218 in reply to DMM218]

I've also looked at culture and understand that more. If your family orthodox but his isn't, can you explain that as this is really to do with how kids raised, as the mother your influence on orthodoxy will be the higher than dads. If that makes sense? I may be simplifying or misunderstanding. I'm just trying to help.

[disturbedbysociety in reply to DMM218]

My mother is also Orthodox and is to the same level as my dad. She is also against love marriages. And as far as visiting my relatives is concerned they live 500 kms away... They won't send me alone and they themselves don't have any holidays. I feel terrible inside. I am waiting for my call letter and I still have some months to go. Though my parents are really happy that they get to spend time with me and somewhere I am too, I am frustrated too because I feel like a bird in a prison.

There is a guy in my locality who has following me for past 10 years and so I don't go out often because I'm scared and my parents think that complaining about him can lead to more trouble and it would become difficult to find groom for me. I hate to live here. I got no freedom. I just wanna stay away from all this mess for a while.

[DMM218 in reply to disturbedbysociety]

That guy sounds super creepy scary. You are right to keep self safe. I can't say about reporting him I understand sometimes getting police involved makes things worse. It shouldn't be like that.

You could talk not of love marriages but of rational marriage. This bf sounds like a good man. You know each other so if he wasn't good it would be over. You understand each other's thinking, so you already adjusting to each other. What if low match was because of this, the fact it's not prearranged. All the knowledge of each other helps balance it.

If this man is good, he is worth fighting for - for trying, for raising the subject. Do your parents know him?

[disturbedbysociety in reply to DMM218]

My parents don't know him and they are so Orthodox that they say don't have a very good friend in a guy else that will lead to love and we won't let you do a love marriage.

[DMM218 in reply to disturbedbysociety]

Ok - brick wall to smash head off until I get another idea.

[DMM218 in reply to disturbedbysociety]

Ok complain about creep - then no more arranged marriage material so can have love marriage.

I'm guessing that won't work and you'd be a social outcast.

[disturbedbysociety in reply to disturbedbysociety]

He is good, awesome. He knows the situation at my home and is very supportive of it. My anger boosts up like a volcano, totally unpredictable. I yell at him like anything and at anytime. He always calms me down, tells me for hours that he will never leave me alone.

At one moment I yell and the other moment I cry like anything and at all the moments he is there to calm me down and tell me that he is there for me, always!

[disturbedbysociety in reply to disturbedbysociety]

Yes that really won't help. They would still find a groom for me. Arranged marriage is a family moto, a heritage to save.

[DMM218 in reply to disturbedbysociety]

I'm heading off now - I will think on this and genuinely pray for a good outcome for you. I'll message you later. Take care.

[DMM218 in reply to disturbedbysociety]

Aww. That's so lovely and so so sad. I'm going to be looking at some Hindi prayers for you guys. This has to sort out.

[disturbedbysociety in reply to DMM218]

I pray too, but I guess I need a new family to have my wishes fulfilled.

[DMM218 in reply to DMM218]

Can find be adopted by orthodox family and given new and more agreeable birth date etc.?

[disturbedbysociety in reply to DMM218]

I want my parents to be a little more broad minded.