I'm trying not to blame myself

[Nakura]

Right now I'm living back at my parents' house, but I was previously living with my partner. Living with people that traumatized me in a place with so many awful memories is difficult, but I feel like I deserve it. I wasn't too good to my partner admittedly. I took my anxiety out on him, let my insecurities and trust issues get the best of me, hogged his time, didn't reciprocate affection and, worst of all, made him take care of me to the point where he couldn't take care of himself. I thought I was getting better but he says I wasn't. I'm not mad about that, I think I needed to hear it. I love this man more than anything and want to do everything I can to better myself, starting with independence. I don't feel safe enough with family to tell them what's really going on so I told them I just needed some time back in town (which isn't untrue). They don't know how much I'm struggling so I have to keep pretending. I don't have many friends either, and none close enough to hang out with. I don't really know what to do with myself until I get a job.

[Starrlight]

Are you afraid your family will judge you if you told them you are struggling? It would be nice if you could share how you are feeling with them. You have us too, glad you reached out.

[Nakura in reply to Starrlight]

Some of them are very invalidating and judgemental, yes. Some even smothering. The others just aren't reliable emotional support, be it from just not being close or they don't understand and won't really put in the work to understand. I'm not very close to my family

[Starrlight in reply to Nakura]

I get that. At one time I was living in a house that had terrible things happened in the past and I had my ptsd rise up. Try to do calming relaxing things. Until you get a job, what is it you’d like to do? Maybe you would have the time to do things you’ve always wish you’d do.

[Nakura in reply to Starrlight]

I like puzzles and gaming with friends. The other things I like, I don't feel like doing. A big part of the problem is I feel trapped in this room until my car is up and running

[Against_the_current]

Same just that i lived alone. I feel guilty for coming back to my abusive home but i couldn't take care if myself on my own. Hey your health comes first. Your post actually made me feel less alone as i returned to mom's house after graduation

[Nakura in reply to Against_the_current]

It's always nice knowing you're not alone. I'm just anxiously awaiting the day my partner says I can go home. I feel like a mess and can't stop shaking

[Starrlight in reply to Nakura]

(((((((((((((((((((((Against_the_current))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Nakura)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Against_the_current in reply to Nakura]

I feel you. I have been like that many times when running out of home but maybe it's best i find a job and a place to live alone