Can any one see me?

[Canyouseeme]

I have no idea what I am doing here, writing this. What do I expect after doing this? I know no one can help me but me. No one will give me the answers I search, the strenght I need, the hope I long for or the love I know I need. I have to overcome this by my self, like I always do, but I don't have any more strenght. It's been years hiding my depression. It's been years faking to everybody that everything's all right. It's been years telling my self that someday everything's gonna be all right. I can't take it anymore. It's worse now. I'm completly alone. I have just my failures and sorrows to make me company. I'm not even allowed to do anything "stupid" as everyone call it. My religion don't let me do it. I'm a single mother in a country that is not mine, in a culture that is not mine, with a language that is not mine, without family or friends who care about what happens to me. Who will take care of my children? So no. I don't eve have that option. The only option is continuing waking up every morning, even when I don't know what for.

I am a doctor, and I can say that I'm a good one. I used to think that I was a good person, a good friend. Now I just see my self like a piece of trash. I'm worthless. I'm unlovable. I'm disgusting.

I dont't do drugs. I don't drink. I don't smoke. And I don't love myself. I can't forgive my self for my failures. I can't stand the consequences of my prior decisions. I think i snot fair. I've never done anything bad to anyone to explain why I have this life. It's like a bad dream. Not a nightmare that ends , more like a bad dream that repeats over, and over and everytime it comes and takes away your soul, piece by piece. I don't want tomlove anymore like this. I want my dreams back. I want my hope and the joy of living back. I don't trust people any more. I don't trust life anymore.

Today my kid told me that it's fun to wave and say hello to strangers while in the car. I said it's not right to do that to strangers because evebody is a bad person. My kid told me then than "everybody" CAN'T be a bad person, because there has to be still good people in the world. I said then that is better to think that everyone is a bad person, so you won't suffer when they'll do you wrong. Tonifht I'm ashamed. It's so sad that this is what I became.

Don't get me wrong, I love people. I struggle when I see them suffer. I feel them. That's the reason why I became a doctor. I would work for free if is necesary for helping those in need. But I've done a lot of good for others and life just gaveme betray and lies in exchange. My heart and my soul are filled with na inmense ammount of love and I have no one to give it. I feel like I'm wasting all this love inside while a lot of people are needing it.

I feel alone among others. I'm invisible in the light. I'm soundless when I scream.

And I can not do anything about it. I won't go to a psychiatrist to pour my soul in 45 minutes while the other person just want my money and he/she will just give me the same old advices: be true to your self, forgive yourself you for your own mistakes, embrace life, be your own best friend, etc. I know all that is tru, but is easier said than done.

I don't want pills. I want someone WHO CARES FOR ME to listen to me. Not because I pay them, but because they DO CARE. But I have no one, just me and my self. And I can assure you that , right now, I'm not good company. Not for me, not for anyone.

So what can I do? Just write to strangers through the cold and impersonal internet. You don't see me. You don't feel me. You can't hold my hand. You can't hug me. You just dont love me ,so you can not really care about my suffering, and tou can not help me at all.

But somehow, writing about it is cathartic. I'm throwing out some of the trash that I have inside. Making space in my soul, and I would like to think that is space free to have loving thoughts about myself, but no. I know I'm just making space to new trash. But I can not lie, it would be really nice to have a face to talk to. A friend. A partner. A brother/sister.

I have family, but they have their own problems. They don't know I've been living like this. And they're not even in the country. So , we return again to the start: I feel alone ...because I am alone.

I have no idea who will read this, if someone reads these posts. But even in my state of distress, I give you all my blessing and all my wishes for a beautiful and happy life.

I really loved the world. Life has a funny way to show its colors to everyone. But is not funny ha ha, it. Ore like a funny sick sense of humor. And I'm not laughing, not at all.

I need help. I want help, but I won't ask for it. I believe there is no help to ask for. Strange thing how our own mind works againt ourselves, isn't?

Thank you anyway for taking the time to read this dear friend. I don't know you but I wish you well.

Sincerily,

Canyouseeme?

PS: Sorry for my poor english skills. I speak french and spanish. I'll try to do better next time, if there is one. Blessing for eveeyone out there. Hope life treats you all well.

[FixingThePineapple]

Hi, it's nice to meet you and to know your story. I'm sorry you feel so alone, I know how it feels. And I understand so much of what you said. Some people can be very selfish and cruel so it can be hard to trust others. I have trust issues as well.

Anyways I'm eager help how I can. If you ever want to vent to someone, feel free to message me.

[TheSilentPrince]

Hi, Canyouseeme. I don't write many posts or replies, but your posts compelled me to write. Although I can not see or feel you physically, I can see and feel your heart through your words. Believe me when I say that there are many people on this site that feel the same way you feel. This site is more than just another website, it is a real community full of real people all over the world who feel and/or struggle with similar things. I strongly encourage you to keep using this site if just to read other peoples post. The words and replies of others can help.

You said that the reason that you became a doctor was because you feel the suffering of the others therefore you wanted to help people. That is a great gift! Regardless of what you may think you are a good person. The fact that you truly want to help people tells me that. There are more people in this world with that same empathy for others that you have. They are good people too.

It's not for me to know about anything that has happened to you in the past or present, but I get the since that something has. If so, don't let the wrong they have done to you have victory over you. There is much, much more in store for you. Your life and story will one day be a blessing for someone else, I know it.

I'm not going to tell you to push through the pain. Accept the pain. Acceptance is very, very important. You first have to be honest with yourself about what has happened or how you feel in order to heal. Be open with yourself. You don't have to hold it in. That is something that I'm still dealing with. Mainly because I'm always alone; by myself. Ask your son what he thinks about the world and try to understand he's views. Listening to others, even from people younger than us can help reshape how we think. He son has on optimistic mind set, please don't destroy that.

Lastly, try to tell someone, anyone, how you feel. When you pour out your feelings it makes it much easier to bear. You could tell your son. You can even write it out then have someone read it. I did that. It doesn't matter how you let it all out just as long as you do. This site is actually where I first let it out. It felt good for me to do it. I bet it felt good for you write what you wrote. And remember, "Crying doesn't make you weak; enduring doesn't make you strong". I hope and pray that you find peace within you struggles. I will be praying for you.

[Canyouseeme in reply to TheSilentPrince]

Hi, TheSilentPrince,

Thank you for your reply.

Thanks for reading " my novel ". I didn't hope to have any replies. I just felt the need to let it out.

It's so hard, you know? To bear everything...

If crying doesn't make me weak, then I'm the stongest woman in the world.

Thanks again for your words. God bless you for all the kindness that you show to me with them.

Have a good night.

CYSM

[nickg188]

I can see you loud and clear. Please stay strong it seems like your kids love you with all their heart I think you should speak to a professional about your situation and to be open about your depression so they can help you.

[sun-shade]

Hi I can see you…

You are blessed, you can speak three languages, you’re educated, you are eloquent, you are sensitive, you are a loving mother, you are a doctor, which takes discipline, hard work, years of training, and devotion.

You are an amazing, wonderful, human being, who deserves to have a good life, you truly deserve to have a good life.

I would like you to say, the line above to yourself every day, and repeat, many many times a day..

“ I am an amazing, wonderful, human being, who deserves to have a good life,I truly deserve to have a good life.”

With a positive outlook, perspective changes ~ you are intelligent enough to know that you cannot change the past, your decisions made in the past are gone, they don't belong in the future and cannot be changed.

What you can change, is your perspective.

Please stop beating yourself up, it is counter-productive, and negative. It's time to be kind to yourself, it's time to start loving yourself, forgive yourself, and care for yourself, because I suspect you care and give so much to others you are on the bottom of the pile.

Time to stop. You are a priority, for yourself for your wonderful family. If you're looking for inspiration, philosophy and support, I quite like Alan Watts..

I can see you, I can see you growing into the most wonderful human being, being the best you, that you can be, being happy content and loving yourself . Then love will find you

Good luck time to stop suffering…

[Canyouseeme]

Thanks to everyone, you're too kind. I appreciate all your good wishes and I cherish in my heart all your words.

It's not easy to live a life where everyone expects you to be perfect all the time. Living alone with my daughter in this country has been very difficult. I won't go back to my country. It's been too long since I moved here. Our life is now here. Her friends and her school is now here. This is the only life she's had and I can not take that away from here. I have no one in my country. I have no interest over there. So thank for the sincere advice, but I won't go back there.

I wanted to give me and my daughter a new life, but things hadn't happened as I wished, as I planned. Every morning is a struggle just to get out of bed. I won't say wake up, because it's been years without sleeping more than 2 hours at night. Everynight I watch the ceiling of my room and I feel like is shrinking, getting tighter and tighter as the minutes pass. I can't breath. I cry and I cry until I sleep. And then I wake up again and stare at the walls. It's a cycle. One I want to break , but I don't want to break. I want to, but I don't want to. Complicated, isn't?

There are a lot of things happening to me right now. Low steem issues, poor health, depression, anxiety, body image issues, loneliness because I was cheated on, no interest in the job field... My mind is telling me that I'm a failure. I'm worthless. I'm just a poor joke of what I was before and of what I wanted to be. I need to be responsable for my daughter, but I have no more strength in me. Moving away , with a little baby, just by my self, to a strange country, without friends or family has taken a toll on me. I learnt the language and the culture, but the selfishness of this world is unbearable. Everyone is thinking about what to do to get more money or what to do to get what they want, no matter the cost, no matter who you hurt in the process. The indivudualism is the moral stance and only philosophy in the world nowdays.

People are beeing more and more mean and cruel everyday. I love people, but I don't trust them anymore.

Not having friends or family to talk to is hard. But even if I had them, I won't tell anyone what's happenning to me. I'm supposed to be normal. I'm a doctor, so my life is supposed to be perfect, you know? But I'm not happy with my life. I'm not satisfied with the decisions I made.I'm not even content. I can not tell this to any one. They judge me already enough without saying it.

I justhave my thoughts, and they're not the best company to give me advice.

So, why bother? Why bother everyday trying to put on a face and continuing with this charade? Ni one cares for me. The world will go on when I'll be gone, so, nothing will change.

I know my depression is getting worse. But like I said, I'm alone, with children, so I can not do anything drastic, so I just have to continuing living this fake life. But I don't want to. I wasn't like this before. I want to go back and be the same joyfull and funny girl that I've always been. But life took all that from me. And is refusing to giving it back.

I don't see a reason why to go on . If not for my daughter, I'll be long gone.

Thank you again for your kind words. They soothed me, for a short time, but then ... after a few minutes, the soothe was gone, and my thoughts were back.

God bless you all for all the support and love that you give in your replies.

I wish a nice day to all of you.

Sincerely,

Canyouseeme?