I have no idea what I am doing here, writing this. What do I expect after doing this? I know no one can help me but me. No one will give me the answers I search, the strenght I need, the hope I long for or the love I know I need. I have to overcome this by my self, like I always do, but I don't have any more strenght. It's been years hiding my depression. It's been years faking to everybody that everything's all right. It's been years telling my self that someday everything's gonna be all right. I can't take it anymore. It's worse now. I'm completly alone. I have just my failures and sorrows to make me company. I'm not even allowed to do anything "stupid" as everyone call it. My religion don't let me do it. I'm a single mother in a country that is not mine, in a culture that is not mine, with a language that is not mine, without family or friends who care about what happens to me. Who will take care of my children? So no. I don't eve have that option. The only option is continuing waking up every morning, even when I don't know what for.
I am a doctor, and I can say that I'm a good one. I used to think that I was a good person, a good friend. Now I just see my self like a piece of trash. I'm worthless. I'm unlovable. I'm disgusting.
I dont't do drugs. I don't drink. I don't smoke. And I don't love myself. I can't forgive my self for my failures. I can't stand the consequences of my prior decisions. I think i snot fair. I've never done anything bad to anyone to explain why I have this life. It's like a bad dream. Not a nightmare that ends , more like a bad dream that repeats over, and over and everytime it comes and takes away your soul, piece by piece. I don't want tomlove anymore like this. I want my dreams back. I want my hope and the joy of living back. I don't trust people any more. I don't trust life anymore.
Today my kid told me that it's fun to wave and say hello to strangers while in the car. I said it's not right to do that to strangers because evebody is a bad person. My kid told me then than "everybody" CAN'T be a bad person, because there has to be still good people in the world. I said then that is better to think that everyone is a bad person, so you won't suffer when they'll do you wrong. Tonifht I'm ashamed. It's so sad that this is what I became.
Don't get me wrong, I love people. I struggle when I see them suffer. I feel them. That's the reason why I became a doctor. I would work for free if is necesary for helping those in need. But I've done a lot of good for others and life just gaveme betray and lies in exchange. My heart and my soul are filled with na inmense ammount of love and I have no one to give it. I feel like I'm wasting all this love inside while a lot of people are needing it.
I feel alone among others. I'm invisible in the light. I'm soundless when I scream.
And I can not do anything about it. I won't go to a psychiatrist to pour my soul in 45 minutes while the other person just want my money and he/she will just give me the same old advices: be true to your self, forgive yourself you for your own mistakes, embrace life, be your own best friend, etc. I know all that is tru, but is easier said than done.
I don't want pills. I want someone WHO CARES FOR ME to listen to me. Not because I pay them, but because they DO CARE. But I have no one, just me and my self. And I can assure you that , right now, I'm not good company. Not for me, not for anyone.
So what can I do? Just write to strangers through the cold and impersonal internet. You don't see me. You don't feel me. You can't hold my hand. You can't hug me. You just dont love me ,so you can not really care about my suffering, and tou can not help me at all.
But somehow, writing about it is cathartic. I'm throwing out some of the trash that I have inside. Making space in my soul, and I would like to think that is space free to have loving thoughts about myself, but no. I know I'm just making space to new trash. But I can not lie, it would be really nice to have a face to talk to. A friend. A partner. A brother/sister.
I have family, but they have their own problems. They don't know I've been living like this. And they're not even in the country. So , we return again to the start: I feel alone ...because I am alone.
I have no idea who will read this, if someone reads these posts. But even in my state of distress, I give you all my blessing and all my wishes for a beautiful and happy life.
I really loved the world. Life has a funny way to show its colors to everyone. But is not funny ha ha, it. Ore like a funny sick sense of humor. And I'm not laughing, not at all.
I need help. I want help, but I won't ask for it. I believe there is no help to ask for. Strange thing how our own mind works againt ourselves, isn't?
Thank you anyway for taking the time to read this dear friend. I don't know you but I wish you well.
PS: Sorry for my poor english skills. I speak french and spanish. I'll try to do better next time, if there is one. Blessing for eveeyone out there. Hope life treats you all well.