Not only traumatized me to the point i drive away people that matter to me, but make me suffer and not know what is going on and when i say they're hurting me it begins "so i'm the bad guy, i do so much for you, go to your father/mother. You're so ungrateful. Others your Age have a job. You just do nothing all day. And you point me out to be the monster. You see me as a monster. Go to your step family/the streets and be happier". How to live like that? "Just tell your family". No, i can't. Even my therapist said it. I can't. I freaking can't say "yo, y'all break me, stop manipulating me, stop using me as revenge, stop using me as emotional trash bin, If you want something just ask me instead of manipulating me to do it, deal with yourselves instead of using me and sis as weapons and messangers in this war as If we don't suffer as If we have a fault. And If u make my sister like me, i will kill you. And everyone is telling me the baby has no fault but i swear to everything Holy i will hate it till my bones rot and it's high time for you to accept my feelings instead of calling them drama or crazyness, you damn manipulators. I lost someone important to me because you taught me manipulation and insecurity. And i need them, God i need them, because i'm all alone and losing it. But i guess this is what happens to broken kids. Please stop drinking and making kids. Or i'm calling your parents. Well, they're defending you cause you manipulated them well. Stop saying you love me, i don't believe it. I don't believe it, i think it's a manipulation. I think i don't even know what is going on, i don't know reality, you twisted it. If i had a genie my only wish would be you guys never met and i never existed. I don't want to live because of you. I'm inadequate because of you. My roommates don't invite me anywhere. People think i'm weird. So grateful you ruined my life by giving me life"
The thing now, that i can't stop stressing about since Monday - Mom called, complained sis is feeling unwell because she was with the baby, i lost my mind, thinking they're gonna break her like they broke me. I was crying at the supermarket, i was crying at the bus. I self-harmed. I asked for help and only got "You're inadequate" by my therapist and roommate. It's not that i'm inadequate, it's that my soul is shattered and it has been shattered for so long. And i need a remedy. I need a remedy so bad. I need safety and support. I need sth to calm me. I only distract myself by mindlessly watching tv, reading, walking and gaming until i panic and screw it up. Lost concept of time.
So the story - mom called and complained a lot plus sis is feeling unwell because of dad but made it seem like she's having it under control. I'm worried about their both mental health. I paniced. Then grandpa called and said sis has some real physical illness and i felt so bad that i believed it's mental. And also mom wants to travel to her mom and sis is sick. Always happens. And sis always sacrificing herself. And mom didn't even say it's a real physical illness.
Don't tell me my family needs psychological support because 1 they won't get it, 2 makes me feel worse like my worries about their mental health are True. I need to repair myself. I need to calm myself. I can be misinterpreying it all because of my anxiety. I need calming. I need calming
I will be seeing them on friday to go to Grandma's
I have been taking my meds but i'm just always ready to blow up. So much pain locked inside me. With no remedy. Hell is inside of me
Now, instead of using the 1 hour i have with no family and no roommates, i suffer
