I just want it to stop!

I can look at my life rationally and say it really isn't a bad life, and yet I'm constantly on the verge of tears and I can't escape the emotional storm that surrounds me... I just wish it would end... I'm not suicidal by any means, but I am apathetic... I shouldn't be, I fought like hell 20+ years ago to live and now, in retrospect, I wish I hadn't... I've only recently, in the past 6 years or so opened myself up again, for the other 14 years, I shut down emotionally, I used anger to keep the soft side in check, I became agoraphobic and kept people at a distance... Life was so much easier... I often wonder if I should just embrace that side of me again, if I can find it... Because now all I do is waffle between anxiety and depression with the occasional joy that makes it all worth it for a moment... Then it's back to being miserable in what seems like a nearly perfect life... Why does it have to be this way?

2 Replies

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  • I feel you! Wondering why you ever opened up, because if feels like you just made things worse. Have you ever heard the saying "Pain is an old friend"? I hope you get an answer to your question. Let me know when you do. I would really like to know the answer to that one. I just currently started seeking some help myself, for now I just try to keep myself busy, it helps some.

  • I have had two major episodes of depression in my life, and it's so much harder to deal with guilt when you involve others, so I totally understand the apathy that you're feeling. Life is a constant rollercoaster, but I think you should focus on the moments that feel like they're worth living instead of the ones that aren't so bright, because that does nothing but bring you down. It's important to have a balance between others and yourself, so make sure that you can trust yourself without shutting yourself off from other people - they care about you! Don't push them away, make your relationships with them right.

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