I just want to SCREAM

I was forced to give up my job that I have been with for 20 years 14 months ago due to severe arthritis in both hips. I was told that surgery wasn't an option due to my weight. I was able to go back to a desk job when a position became available 5 months later. Despite losing over 100 lbs and doing everything I can to get healthy, I was forced to stop working again a few months ago because of my limited mobility/stability. I have lost my network of friends in recent years as I've lost the ability to get out and play. My family is dysfunctional and no one ever calls to see how I am doing. I am 20 lbs away from surgery, but I am going crazy in isolation. 3 weeks ago I experienced a Panic attack. This episode lasted off and on for 2 days until I went to the ER. It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I was prescribed meds after a cold 5-10 minute zoom call that was billed at $400. This doctor refused to hear my side effect concerns because I was unwilling to pay over the phone. I am not convinced that I should even be on this Rx. I have seen online therapists that I didn't feel a connection with. I did meet once with a therapist that seemed to fit, but when I wanted a follow-up, she doesn't have availability for 6 months. I had to book an online Psychiatrist because I will be out of meds soon, and they just called to cancel last minute. Even with insurance and money I can't find someone that seems to care. I don't know where to turn. Everything I hear says "if your struggling, just ask for help". I know that I am out of control with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. I realize that I can't fix this by myself. I am screaming for help, but no one hears me. I can't sleep in a bed anymore due to the pain (when I can sleep). I gave up drinking when I knew I had to lose the weight. Comfort food is off limits. Sex hurts. I spend 20+ hours a day in the same chair waiting for something fun to come along. I just wish the phone would ring so that I could hear another voice. The only thing I know I have in my future is 2 major surgeries and months of physical therapy. I have a wife and son that I love with all my heart, that I know care about me, but they are as unequipped to deal with my problems as I am. They have work/school/friends and lives of their own. I am not just a prisoner in my own home, but a prisoner in my own broken body.

[Hidden]

Oh well, I tried. I don't know why I thought this would help.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

hi sometimes people dont read the posts straight away you only posted a hour ago, and dony despair time takes time to get our lifes back on track and accepting changes,i had to wait 3 years to sell my house i was very down thouggt it never would and my moods fine now and one day you will be your old self again, never give up ive learned patience,you do have a wife and family im sure they care more than you think, im sure youll feel better once your physio starts and meet similar people, 🤗🌟

[Oshgosh in reply to Hidden]

you have done so well to lose 100 pounds. When you get your surgery, hopefully you will get relief from pain.

[Hidden]

so sorry you're feeling so bad, LD.

Is there ONE THING you can do today that you haven't done? Can you walk outside and let the sun shine on your face? Take a deep breath? Sing a song that used to make you smile? JUST ONE THING! MAKE YOURSELF do it.

The journey of a thousand miles... you know the rest.

[Hidden]

I hear you. I’m so sorry for everything you are going through. I’m suffering from some of the same issues you are. Stuck at home with severe anxiety/depression/fears etc etc etc. My therapist told me that I am a “Ruminater” which means I spend hours thinking, researching, all of my problems to no avail! The ruminating then becomes a whole issue of it’s own; a vicious never ending cycle that leads no where. I wish I had great advice and answers for you. If I did, I probably wouldn’t be on this forum. It sounds like you have made a lot of progress on yourself and you must keep trying. I suffer from arthritis as well. I was a professional gymnast in my youth and am paying severely for it now. But, I just wanted to tell you to hang in there and that people really do care how you are feeling right now. I do! Don’t give up and keep fighting. Always here 😀

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Ruminater sounds like an apt description of me as well. Over the years I've refined the ability to overthink and disect every potential situation to find the negatives. It's exhausting!I was very active before this, kayaking and hiking, so the loss of mobility is hard to deal with.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Losing mobility has probably caused a lot of my problems too. I used to be so active and outdoors. Now that I’m secluded inside and my body doesn’t work so well anymore, I think I try to over compensate by using my mind, since that’s the only thing that seems to still be working ok! It’s so easy to not overthink things when you’re constantly on the move and active. I have to lose 50 lbs and am on day 20 of the Keto diet. I love to watch cooking competition shows but they just make me want to blow my diet. Anyway, I’m new here, as of yesterday. I’m still hopeful, for both of us. Really enjoy chatting with you.

[Coolsfancy]

LD

I’m very sorry for what you’re going through.

I wish that I had a magic 🪄 wand to get rid of your pain. I’m in the same boat as you as far as being alone without many people to talk to. Loneliness is hard. I’m alone because all of my family members have passed away.

That is hard.

I’m pretty direct because my career was always in sales, I read a really good book 📕 awhile back that really helped me.

I will say just by the title it’s direct but its a great self help book without all the mushiness that a lot of books are about.

It’s by an author named Mark Manson and he has a website where there is a lot of good information.

The name of the book is called “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck”

As I said it’s pretty direct but he has a great way of getting to the point, without all the fluff.

It may not be for you but I would at least recommend you looking at his website.

It got me out of my head and made me look at life in a different way.

I was stuck and as I was reading this book I stopped swirling down the drain.

Just a thought 💭.

Peace and comfort to you,

Coolheart

[Hidden]

Thank you all for taking the time to read my thoughts and respond. When no one else seems to be listening, this helped. I know I'm fragile right now, but I am a fighter, and I just need some encouragement. I have been listening to my own negative thoughts for so long and I need some outside perspective. Coolheart, that title is enough to intrigue me, I'll see if I can find a copy.

[Coolsfancy in reply to Hidden]

or try to find the website. There’s a lot of good info there. I hope it helps.

Peace to you

Coolheart

[samack]

Can you please PM me? I read your post.

[Coolsfancy in reply to samack]

I don’t know how to PM you if you’re talking about me

[samack in reply to Coolsfancy]

So sorry Coolheart. I meant LD.

[samack]

Please PM me.