Anxiety and depression

[Ale1987]

Hi all,

I have been struggling with anxiety and depression since I was a tennager. Back then I didn't know what was going on, I thought, as many have told me before, that I was too sensitive. Things got worse when I lost a great friend at the age of 15. Since then I haven't been able to connect with people in the same way. I do have friends and all but it seems like there is always a gap. I remember when I lost thus dear friend of mine I ask for help. I told my father that there was something wrong with me, I opened my heart to him and asked him whether I could seek professional help. All he said was: "my daughter is not crazy". For many years I kept my loneliness and suffering only to myself. Until at the age of 23 I had a horrible break down. Things were not going well at work, my relationship was horrible and I was far away from my loved ones. I became a horrible person to everyone around me, specially to myself. I would constantly compare myself to other women, blame my partner for everything and withdraw from my family and friends. After a while, I decided to move abroad. Improve my english and start again. For sometime I was ok, everthing was new and so exciting. After a while though, the symptoms came back stronger and stronger. I ended up ruining another relationship. Again, I stupidly thought that if I moved somewhere else I would get better so that's what I did. I moved somewhere else and I met someone. He knew about my problem and promised to help me, look after me. However, after sometime he started to get frustated with my "crazy behaviour". He would leave me alone at home and tell me horrible things such as "I don't know how I haven't hit you yet" until he did...one day I had a break down, he came home drunk, threw me on the floor and hit me repeatedly. He said horrible things to me and said that he was right to do that to me because I took his help for granted. I said I would leave him, I never went to the police and I ended up staying because I'm not strong enough to leave. All I want is to cure myself and leave this horrible relationship that makes me feel even worse.

[BonnieSue]

Have you heard the word co-dependent? Where you are addicted to your abuser/your situation and won't leave him because you think you deserve to be abused? Is that you?

I hope it isn't you. But is it? I hope it isn't you because if it isn't, you can get away and restart your life again. You can be free of him and start over again and live free of fear and abuse. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Absolutely awesome?

You have to plan to wait until you know when he'll be gone for awhile and think about what you'll pack quickly and take off and where you'll go and the quickest way to get where you'll be going. It has to be somewhere he'll never guess and can't find you. You have to plan carefully and get money ahead of time but not too much ahead of time. You can get help planning this, there are places to stay in town if you need help with this.

Are you up for this?

[Ale1987 in reply to BonnieSue]

Thank you so much for your help.

[Kobojunkie]

I am afraid you seem to have it the wrong way. In order to get cured, you first need to leave the horrible relationship and any other horrible relationships you may have elsewhere. In a way, we are sensitive, meaning our minds can't handle so much chaos all at once. So, you need to get rid of all other chaos to deal with the chaotic situation in your mind.

Next step would be to begin working on your mind, find out of past hurts and issues you still carry and work on defeating those. Get yourself a Psychiatrist who is able to listen to you and work with you in getting you on a treatment plan that helps you meet your mental health goals.

If you can take time off life, maybe move back in with your parents, and spend much of your days tackling the many issues that have built up in your mind over the years -the negative, wrong thoughts should be dumped and instead replaced with truths and facts. Work on accepting that you cannot control it all, and all those wonderful lessons you have had to experience so far,maintain regular connection with your psychiatrist to ensure you do not relapse and your medications are properly monitored.

[Ale1987 in reply to Kobojunkie]

Thanks for your help! I do appreciate it.