One step at a time

[Butchlee1964]

Yesterday was a better day. I was able to feel a little better, but somehow in the back of your mind it always stays there as to when will another panic attack will come. I was talking today about things I went through when I was a police officer. The broken beer bottle put into my hand, the shooting on the interstate, getting shot at when we were responded to a call and this was just routine. 28 years of routine. This occurrence was nothing new. I had an episode today with an anxiety attack. To hear about others who go through similar things is helpful, but when you go through this you feel alone. I just somehow wish that I was normal and I could deal with the daily things that come along. What some people call just life, those of us with PTSD, anxiety disorder, depression and panic attacks, that is all it takes to make us go back 20 steps. We keep trying to move forward only to get pulled back. We keep trying and knowing they all we can do is take it one day at a time. One foot in front of the other and keep going. Just to find something in our minds that we can look at or remember they would bring even the smallest smile on our face. I can't look back on my childhood to pull that memory from. And to those in my life who I let down because this disease has affected me so bad, I am sorry.. I will keep on moving and keep on going and believe that someway I will learn how to control this thing at least to a point where I can learn to live with it. For the beatings that I didn't deserve, being shot at, cursed at and witnessed my mother getting beat up on a weekly basis every day of my life for 16 years, I forgive that person who did this. And I come to understand that even though he was my father, yes he caused this to me. I am tired of feeling scared, of becoming defensive just because someone raises their voice at me or have to leave when people argue because all the things from the past comes back. Dreams fill my head of going back as a child again and reliving these things, and then before the dream is done, I am grown and working as a police officer again. Those I protected, I am sorry. I gave all I could of myself and I couldn't give no more. I battle for 8 years hiding this problem from everyone I could. I even lost the person I was for the sake of all this crap inside of me. I want to go back to that little boy I was and save him from the fear, uncertainty and loveless life he had with such a person that took all the happiness away.

[BonnieSue]

How profoundly sad!! I'm sorry for the lost childhood of yours, for the awful circumstances you grew up under...which have affected you so greatly. There is nothing good about these circumstances, only sadness. Give yourself credit for all that you have done to rise above your past and to fight the negative effects of your past because you've shown how it isn't an easy thing, but a very difficult battle. Be kind to yourself, for these circumstances were present during your most vulnerable years, when you needed gentle nurturing and feelings of security at all times. The child you were knows it didn't get these necessities.

[Butchlee1964 in reply to BonnieSue]

It took a long time to realize what it was that affected me so bad. This was the reason I wanted to be a cop so I wouldn't have to feel the episodes of being terrorfied. But what was done was done. Only the years of this added to what already happened in my life. The person I was before all this set in, is gone. He checked out and I miss him so bad. This person now I don't understand. The fear, the anxiety, the panic attacks, hearing gunfire at night and being startled when nothing is there and people talking. Just talking but I can't make out what they are saying. I know it is not real but all this has change so much of me inside my head until all I can is find a reason to keep going.

[BonnieSue in reply to Butchlee1964]

Are you in counseling? Or have you already been through years of it? This is a very big area in need of a huge amount of counseling but I know that you may have already done much of it. It just doesn't sound like it yet. With the right counseling you can work through these memories and come out the other side in really great shape, with a much freer you emerging out of the flames, so to speak.

[Butchlee1964 in reply to BonnieSue]

I am in counseling now. Have been for a few months.

[BonnieSue in reply to Butchlee1964]

Good for you! I hope it's helping but I think you will need to be in counseling for many visits because your entire life has been full of abuse and conflict and stress. I wish you well and thank you for your public service.