Yesterday was a better day. I was able to feel a little better, but somehow in the back of your mind it always stays there as to when will another panic attack will come. I was talking today about things I went through when I was a police officer. The broken beer bottle put into my hand, the shooting on the interstate, getting shot at when we were responded to a call and this was just routine. 28 years of routine. This occurrence was nothing new. I had an episode today with an anxiety attack. To hear about others who go through similar things is helpful, but when you go through this you feel alone. I just somehow wish that I was normal and I could deal with the daily things that come along. What some people call just life, those of us with PTSD, anxiety disorder, depression and panic attacks, that is all it takes to make us go back 20 steps. We keep trying to move forward only to get pulled back. We keep trying and knowing they all we can do is take it one day at a time. One foot in front of the other and keep going. Just to find something in our minds that we can look at or remember they would bring even the smallest smile on our face. I can't look back on my childhood to pull that memory from. And to those in my life who I let down because this disease has affected me so bad, I am sorry.. I will keep on moving and keep on going and believe that someway I will learn how to control this thing at least to a point where I can learn to live with it. For the beatings that I didn't deserve, being shot at, cursed at and witnessed my mother getting beat up on a weekly basis every day of my life for 16 years, I forgive that person who did this. And I come to understand that even though he was my father, yes he caused this to me. I am tired of feeling scared, of becoming defensive just because someone raises their voice at me or have to leave when people argue because all the things from the past comes back. Dreams fill my head of going back as a child again and reliving these things, and then before the dream is done, I am grown and working as a police officer again. Those I protected, I am sorry. I gave all I could of myself and I couldn't give no more. I battle for 8 years hiding this problem from everyone I could. I even lost the person I was for the sake of all this crap inside of me. I want to go back to that little boy I was and save him from the fear, uncertainty and loveless life he had with such a person that took all the happiness away.