Stuck in Wonderland

Hello my name is Allie. I am a working mother of two young children. I have never done anything like this and I am a little nervous. Lately I have been feeling like I am going nowhere, like a hamster on a wheel. Doing the same routine over and over again. I also feel myself caring less and less about things. Or the things that didn't really matter before really matter now. I work second shift and don't get to see my kids as much as I would like. It bothered me but not as much because I knew I was working for them. But lately, I've been feeling like a bad mother for not being there helping with homework and making dinners or reading to them and tucking them in. My life is the same thing everyday. Wake up, get kids to school, clean the house, go to work, come home, go to bed. Wake up, get kids to school, clean the house, go to work, come home, go to bed. Wake up, get kids to school, clean the house, go to work, come home, go to bed. Over and over and over. I feel like I'm watching the same episode of a sitcom on repeat. It's difficult to find the words to express exactly what it is I'm feeling. I sit back and realize I have no social life. I have acquaintances, but absolutely no friends. I've distant myself from my family without even meaning to. I have no idea how this happened or how to begin to even to help myself. Thank you all for listening to or shall I say reading my story.

16 Replies

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  • Hi Allie my name is Hollie I'm am 30 with five I no how you feel lol it's like my days never change and I do the same thing everyday I found changing things in my day that I wouldn't normal do help me burst the way I was feeling which sounds crazy but happy mummy meant happy children so I brought treadmill on that when kids are in bed plus I do more park runs because it gives me time to speak to more mummy's x

  • I used to feel like that, but it's gotten worse for me so now I don't want to do anything unless it is with my kids. Can you talk to a therapist? You need to get this sorted before it's to late. It's only my opinion but it think it may help you, I think you have got lost in the circle of life and need to get turned around. People tell me to find a hobby but I am at a loss with that.

  • Hi Allie,

    Your life sounds like you're living in the eye of a hurricane,

    I commend you for keeping your sanity this long! I was a stay at home mom until my kids were school age. Simply because I didn't trust daycare and it was too expensive anyway. My husband was also going to university full time for 4 years to get his degree. So obviously we had to scrape by financially.

    Being a stay at home mom was the most difficult "job" I ever had. I have much respect for women being able to work as well!

    I know the monotony of your life can be overwhelming and the effort may feel futile but as the mom of two adult kids, the speed of time is alarming. By the time your children are 8 or 9, they will begin to socialize independently. This will free you up to do something YOU enjoy. Self care is really important and the whole family is happy if Mom is happy. You don't want to lose yourself in the chaos, it will only feed resentment. Then you'll feel guilty for feeling resentful....you can never win!

    Trust me, you'll want to be in top form when they hit their teens! Life will definitely not be monotonous.

    Take care of you, you won't get that time back and trust me, it goes by fast! Good luck :-)

  • Early onset. Please run quickly to your psychologist to get help with understanding those feelings before they develop into something a lot worse please.

    sometimes we need to reorient our lives and goals. Failure to do so sometimes could lead to depression. Your mind seems to be alerting you to some problems in danger signs in your current routine that you may need to change to avoid damage. i would advice you heed the warnings. Get a therapist/ psychologist talk you through the problems and help you discover simple ways you can make changes to get you back on track in your life and goals please.

    thee is no need to wait until you develop full blown depression before you get help for your mind and health.

  • Good morning, I hear You! I think what you are feeling is normal, as mothers we tend to put our whole self into home, work and mothering. We tend to leave our self on the back burner, but if we want to live, not just exist, you must first find time for you, do something you enjoy everyday, it can be a bubble bath, a walk, a night out, but whatever it is enjoy it and make it yours!! If possible change shifts if you would feel better about it, and if not possible find a way to feel closer to the children when you are not home, leave them little notes, have breakfast with them in the morning, leave something under their pillow so they fall asleep knowing you are thinking about them. All the things you mention are in your control, if you are not happy, feeling stuck and bored then make changes. You have the power to make your life whatever you want it to be. I wish I had someone to tell me that 30 years ago. Good luck and make yourself a priority and you will see change, no meds needed😉

  • thank you so much for taking time out of your day to reply to my post. I really appreciate it. I'm going to take your advice and make myself a priority once in a while. I am a caretaker 24/7. I'm a mother and a certified nurses aide. I was promoted to a Lead Aide which requires more responsibility and more stress. After reading what you wrote I realized if I don't take care of myself and my needs physically and mentally I won't be able to take care of anyone else. I'm happy that I took the first step and reached out for help/advice. It's relieving to know that I'm not the only one out there that feels the way I do. So thank you again!

  • Good morning Alliecat,

    Just a reminder to do something for you today!! Hope you had a great mothers day.😁

  • Those last 2 posts are spot on! I recall feeling exactly this way when my kids were younger. I thought if I had to give one more bath, read one more bedtime story, have one more monotonous day at work, I might just explode! And I felt so guilty in regards to the kids because I truly love them, so why was caring for their needs feeling like a bother to me?! I worked 3p-11p for about a minute before I realized I absolutely couldn't handle that shift - I never saw my family & that was worse than the monotony of life with them. If possible at all, find a different job or at least a different shift at your current job. It helped me alot & relieved some of the guilt. Secondly, seek professional help if you haven't already. I have an amazing counselor right now who has helped me so much, I cannot put it into words. Do whatever makes you happy (without hurting or neglecting anyone else) & try not to worry what others say about you taking time for yourself. Someone somewhere will always be ignorant & small-minded - they are not worth your time or energy. Reconnect with family - if you haven't done anything hurtful, they will very likely understand or at least empathize with your feelings. If you've damaged your relationship with someone, take the first step & say I'm sorry, ask for another chance. Do you have a close friend you've lost touch with due to life circumstances? Reach out to that person if you can. Human connection is vitally important to us - even introverts like myself. I don't have all the answers, but these things have helped me along the way. Plus, my kids are now 11, 10, & 8 - very good, very independent kiddos. The monotony gets better, it does. Sports, school stuff, friends coming over - everyday is something new now & it's easier too because if Mommy has a bad mental health day & Dad's at work, my kids can & will do for themselves (they even have moments of sweetness & will do an extra chore or bring me a PB&J to make me feel better). Don't hide your illness from your kids either. I found they are really not too young to understand it if simply & age appropriately discussed. Plus, they will be more empathetic & caring to others as a result. I know I've rambled too much & I'm sorry for that. I hope just one thing I've said has helped in some way. I'm here to talk if you need to do so.

  • Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to reply to my post. I feel less guilty knowing that I'm not the only one out there to feel these feelings. I have been doing some "research" to find things to help me cope. I'm starting to take small steps towards a happier me. I became a mother at the age of 20 and had two kids by the age of 22. I feel like I never really had a chance to find myself, if that makes any sense. So in a sense, I sort of feel lost in this big world. I used to write everyday and I want to start doing it again because I found it to be very therapeutic. I guess I stopped because I was afraid to write down how I was feeling and the fear of being judged. I had postpartum depression after my second child was born and I felt so embarrassed. I reached out to my mom the other day and just let it all out. I feel so much better getting everything off my chest when it came to our relationship. Slowly but surely I'm going to work on every aspect of my life. Today I am going to talk to my boss about switching shifts when a slot becomes available. Anyway, before I continue to ramble on, I really just want to say thank you again! It means a lot!

  • No worries about rambling! When I have a good mental health day, I can talk the ear off a wall! Lol! I'm a home health nurse & I absolutely love the social aspect of my job - I can spend a lot more time getting to know my patients (& if you've spent time in a hospital you know nurses there are so busy they can't really even learn your name!) My point is this: talking to people can be so therapeutic! Whether here online or in person, we crave that connection subconsciously. So I enjoy good conversation alot. I read your reply below & you said "it sounds silly saying it" - first, nothing we feel is silly. Or stupid. Or unimportant. Because to us, those "silly" feelings can be so freaking overwhelming & near impossible to conquer. And you really can't help your feelings. I agree with whoever said that the fact that you are here wandering if you're a good mom means that you likely already are!

  • I am on my way to my sons concert but read your post and had to comment because it's my life in a nut shell. I am a stay at home home of 3 kids ages 1, 4 and 6. I totally get what you mean. Everything that you are describing is exactly what I have went through over the past few years. So, good news is your pretty normal. I think as mother's we tend to lose ourselves. Today's society also puts so much pressure on us to be perfect. I can tell you that even though I stay home, I don't always cook dinner. I don't always do homework. I used to let that bother me but I realized that even though my husband goes to work, I work a lot as well. I go to school myself and have the obligation of keepig up the home and running around all day. To me there is nothing wrong with my husband cooking every now and again or helping my son with homework. It gives him time to spend with the kids and gives me time to get away for ten minutes alone. I also know how hard a repearepetitive schedule can be. It's good for the kids but not for us. All I can do is tell you what I have been doing. I have been trying to exercise daily even if its just walking. That way it me away from the house and I feel better about being active. Also taking the kids to the park. Another thing you could do is reach out to peoplw, even your ones you dont know very well. Reach out to tbe mom's with kids. You might find someone you connect with. Try setting up a play date with one of yours kids mother's. It hard to do I get it. Especially when we suffer from mental health disorders. But remember you are strong and capable of doing. The best things in life tend to be right outside our comfort zone. Just have courage and faith. Also maybe find a hobby that you can do. I have decided to start paint by numbers. Somethin g relaxing and stimulating for the brain. So try to stop beating yourself up. I know it's hard. If your kids are generally happy and you love them, then you are doing a great job as a mother. The fact you worry your not doing good enough tells me you are.

  • Wow. Thank you so much for you reply. It's nice to know that I'm feeling is normal. I can't even tell you how long it has been since I have been feeling like this and now I only wish I had reached out earlier. Society does put a lot of pressure on us mothers. I can't tell you all the guilt I feel when I go on Facebook and see a million pictures of babies and kids. I don't get to spend much time with my son and daughter and the last thing I'm thinking about is taking pictures of every second and posting them. But when I go online, I think that I have to be the only mom that doesn't post pictures of the kids first day of school or getting student of the month and I start to get the notion that I'm not that great of a mother. It's silly thinking about it now, but during those times, it's what I'm feeling. I've been thinking about writing again and have been starting to take walks after the kids go to school and before walk. I never realized how much how I love the beach when its vacant. The smell of the ocean and the sound of the waves is so peaceful. Thank you so much for your reply to my post. It really means a lot!

  • No problem! Sometimes its nice to know we are not alone and we get reassurance in that. Mothers guilt is the worse. I read an article about social media and how it can lead to feelings of depression. Because seeing these things do makes you feel inadequate. I have gone through that too. When that happens, I try to take a break. Because truth is, Facebook is not the whole picture. I k ow people who post tons of pictures of their kids but in real life there's drug abuse and other things going on. It's easy to put on a show on the internet because no one can see the real truth. Also, just because you dont have time to take a million pictures, your children will be okay. You are working and providing for your family. That's what is important. Regardless of what everyone else is doing. You got this girl. Enjoy your mother's day!

  • Thank you! Happy Mother's day to you as well!

  • Allie, you are not alone. I feel alone alot. My social life is basically empty... but I just pray about it and try to do things that make me happy. I just say, "This shall pass"

  • Hello Allie, Once upon a time many years ago I was in your shoes. I was a stay at home Mom and then a working outside the home Mom. I dithered and fretted trying to do it all and have it all.Looking back I should have stayed at home and focused on my kids and volunteered at school. I should have had more fun with them. I thought I was missing out on life, but the truth is the time you have your kids with you is very short in the whole scheme of life. The jobs I had were meaningless really ,working in shops, no real skills involved.When I turned 36 I went to college. This was my response to anxiety and panic attacks. I badly needed self confidence. By the time I was 40 I had a degree and a job teaching. I loved it, it was the best thing I ever did for myself. My kids were in middle school and high school so my time was the same as theirs. I still managed to work 25 yrs and then retired. My kids got to see a Mother who wanted something, had a goal , and went for it. We had wonderful summers together, my Husband also taught. So there are many things to do and I'm sure you'll find yours after thinking about what you want your life to be like and what you want your kids to take away from it. If you can't figure out what you want to do see a therapist . They can test you to see what your suited for. I had the most in common with French teachers, I taught Art . I had the least in common with Taxi Drivers . Now there's a surprise. lol. Pam, never a lost cause

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