This is my Kaotic story...

[Fuelish]

I'm 57 years old. I am married. My wife has been hospitalized recently and still there as post my story. Earlier this week I could not stand all pressures of life throwing at me. So decided to "End My life". All the pressures or I say stresses of my life at that moment and still on going are...

Wife being hospitalized,

My employment fired me,

Her medical insurance lapse,

And diagnos with lymphnoma,

We'll what sent me over the edge was that my wife wanted me to end her life by sufficating her with a pillow. I got so angry at her for giving up. That I lost my composure and started to yelling at her. The nurses came into the room and thought that behavior was unexceptable. They ordered me out her room and told me to calm down and go home and get some sleep and they will take care of this issue. On the drive home I was so angry with myself I reach out by calling friends and family. Only was able to get thru to my daughter and I said some really really stupidity things that I won't say here. These 4 words I said were enough to get me in so much trouble with the law and now there is a heavy protected police presence at her room 24 hours a day because of these 4 words I said. I am not capable to visit her of what I said. My friends told me last night that her prognosis is Stage lV kidney Cancer and has traveled other vital organ parts of her body and she may not make to middle of the week. The hospital won't even let me see her even with supervised visit. How could I failed at the most important point of my life to be supportive towards my wife. (I missed her so damn much). I went thru the 72 hour hold and they gave tools and resources to work with. But none of them that I know of that can address my issues at moment of time. For very long time I feel that her family members never approved of me. They always are bringing up her past how she was abused by other husband before me. Basically I feel very lost and confused. There is alot more to this... I haven't talked to know one about this. I struggle with this every moment of time. I dont know what I can do to get back on track to be a better person and function in society on life terms...

Thanx for letting share.

[bosredux]

Hi Fuelish. I'm super new (~5 min) to the group, but I wanted to respond and at least tell you that you're not alone. I just dealt with my grandmother's death due to ovarian cancer, and I don't think I could have even seen her one last time without flipping a table.

End-of-life times are, I think, the most stressful experience a human being can go through, especially when it's someone you love. It sounds to me like the stress has been driving your actions, and there have been really terrible consequences.

Are you on medications? Have you seen a grief counselor? Both of those things will help your "case" greatly, as I don't believe anyone is trying to hurt YOU. They're protecting themselves and others, perhaps because they don't know what your approach is.

You need on-call support right now. A grief counselor would be excellent place to start. And we're here for you. Take a deep breath, remember that you are loved, and try to keep your head up and make one good decision at a time. That's all that matters for us.