Please help me

[bluejay_153]

My little cousin committed suicide not even a week into the new year and it's taken a toll on my mental health. He was a senior in high school and had so much life and hope in him. There's a part of me that resents him so much for being hypocritical and taking his own life. I've been suffering from depression for three years because of the stress and expectations placed on me from my family members and siblings. Because I'm the middle child, I'm constantly being overlooked. I had confided in my cousin that I was going through depression and had thoughts of suicide, and he yelled at me for even thinking about ending my life. I felt so ashamed that I told myself that I would attempt to pull myself together and get through this depression. My cousin was my guide in a way - he constantly encouraged me to keep forging ahead and to not to ever give up. What hurts me the most is that he never confided in me about his suicidal intentions. What pisses me off the most is that he was a hypocrite and made me feel like scum for thinking about leaving my family behind. No matter how rough the roads were, I always picked myself back up.

Now that he's gone, thoughts of committing suicide keep coming back. I'm stuck in limbo between wanting to forever stay awake to keep the nightmares of him away, and sleeping forever because being alive in this world without him is a never-ending nightmare itself. My diagnosed depression is back at full force. I've been pretending to be happy and pretending that everything is alright when it's not. I've been pretending for so long that I don't even know if the feelings that I feel anymore are real or if they're a figment of my imagination that my brain is playing on me.

I would go seek professional help, but my insurance doesn't cover it and the sessions are expensive. I've looked up local support groups but they don't have the support that I need. I don't know what to do. This is my attempt at crying out for help. Please help make this pain go away. I've been holding everything in for so long and I don't think I can do this anymore because everything hurts.

[BonnieSue]

Every time you need someone to talk to and you're thinking about suicide, call one of these numbers: 1.800.273.8255 and 1.800.784.2433. There are counselors waiting to talk to you about your suicidal tendencies. Call them, please. Even if it's hard to pick up the phone, please do it. You are worth the trouble. You can and will feel better than you do right now.

Next, you must get help in the form of a psychiatrist and a counselor. Good ones. You need an antidepressant that fights depression and anxiety to feel way better than you do right now. You can't do it on your own yet. You can't do it by going to a meeting yet. Those things aren't enough in your condition right now. Do you have family who can help you pay for the psychiatrist? Do you have any savings to pay for him/her? This is a very necessary and important expense. Your whole life and quality of life depends on this.

For the counselor, you can find ones who work under the umbrella of a church and get paid on a sliding scale based on your income or lack thereof. You don't have to join their church or believe in God. Again, this is a critical service you need badly to guide you through this process of getting better. And you WILL get better.

I've been where you are and I'm fine now. It takes the right medicine and the right counseling to get back to a healthy state. I've been healthy now for 29 years with anxiety and depression mostly under control. I've been peaceful and happy but I take my medicine every day. I still see my psychiatrist and counselor on a regular basis. Start asking around for good professionals and have anyone you know do the same. Ask your present doctors who they would recommend. You don't have to say you're asking for yourself.

[Ddorne]

I lost my best friend to suicide 8 years ago. It still haunts and saddens me. I have depression, anxiety and OCD. I have had thoughts but no intentions or plans. It's normal to feel anger and fear after this. You seem to feel responsible. That is not true. You confided in him, but someone has to have his own illness to do this. I'm so sorry for your loss. Try to find a grief counselor, there are places that are free. I went for grief counseling and wound up seeing the person for therapy now. It's a frustrating and sad loss.