My little cousin committed suicide not even a week into the new year and it's taken a toll on my mental health. He was a senior in high school and had so much life and hope in him. There's a part of me that resents him so much for being hypocritical and taking his own life. I've been suffering from depression for three years because of the stress and expectations placed on me from my family members and siblings. Because I'm the middle child, I'm constantly being overlooked. I had confided in my cousin that I was going through depression and had thoughts of suicide, and he yelled at me for even thinking about ending my life. I felt so ashamed that I told myself that I would attempt to pull myself together and get through this depression. My cousin was my guide in a way - he constantly encouraged me to keep forging ahead and to not to ever give up. What hurts me the most is that he never confided in me about his suicidal intentions. What pisses me off the most is that he was a hypocrite and made me feel like scum for thinking about leaving my family behind. No matter how rough the roads were, I always picked myself back up.
Now that he's gone, thoughts of committing suicide keep coming back. I'm stuck in limbo between wanting to forever stay awake to keep the nightmares of him away, and sleeping forever because being alive in this world without him is a never-ending nightmare itself. My diagnosed depression is back at full force. I've been pretending to be happy and pretending that everything is alright when it's not. I've been pretending for so long that I don't even know if the feelings that I feel anymore are real or if they're a figment of my imagination that my brain is playing on me.
I would go seek professional help, but my insurance doesn't cover it and the sessions are expensive. I've looked up local support groups but they don't have the support that I need. I don't know what to do. This is my attempt at crying out for help. Please help make this pain go away. I've been holding everything in for so long and I don't think I can do this anymore because everything hurts.