Feeling BEYOND hopeless!!

[danh228]

Hi! My name is Dan, I'm a 39 year old male who suffers from BDD (body dysmorphic disorder), OCD (mainly thoughts and mirror checking), stress and all kinds of anxiety disorders. I was originally diagnosed with BDD, OCD and major depression when I was 16. I noticed I started needing everything to be perfect. My hair, my face, mostly body wise but most other things in life as well. If I got a zit or cold sore I wouldn't leave the house and that still holds true to this day.

I am married with no kids and my social life is pretty much non existent, I avoid get togethers at all cost. When I know I have an event, the rare vacation or holiday coming up, I stress for weeks in advance about getting a zit or just being in the social setting. Most recently I was diagnosed with a condition called pityrosporum folliculitis which basically causes my hair follicles to get trapped under my skin and become inflamed giving the resemblance of really bad acne type cysts. This of all places has happened on my forehead and I've tried all kinds of treatment through a dermatologist with very little luck.

I can't work due to my mental and physical disabilities. I had a job 5 years ago and was nearly killed, some days wish I was, in an accident that occurred at work while I was working on a man lift 27 ft high. The man lift was struck by an overhead crane in the shipping and receiving bay I was working in, resulting in the man lift being knocked to the ground with me in it. I broke my back and it has lead to 2 spinal fusions over a 4 yr period. The 1st one didn't work so I recently had to go back in for a revision.

A lot of days I don't feel like getting out of bed, some day I don't due to the physical pain and mental torture as call it when I have a zit or blemish on my face. I feel BEYOND horrible that my wife and family have to deal with the ramifications of my issues. I've tried all kinds of treatments off and on since age 16. I've always been on an anti depressant and have tried cognitive and behavioral therapies with little to no luck. I even checked myself into a day program back in 2013 but it didnt help at all. I feel like there is NO help for me leaving me obviously feeling hopeless. I truly don't know what to do or where to go from here!!

[Mhthomas]

I get it with the anxiety and especially in social situations. I have really been working on being kinder to myself and considering myself a work "in progress", even at 61! guess really, we all are.

One thing I found was volunteering for a cause. When you work together with people on a regular basis, you can create some good friendships. It's a different kind of socializing - everyone is there because they believe in the cause. I do tutoring for disadvantaged children, but there are all kinds of things. I suggest taking your time to find the right thing so it would be a good fit. I have a passion for kids and animals. What about you?

I also have had skin issues and have only resolved them in the past 5 years. Dermatologists were not able to help, but an aesthetician really has helped. Not cheap and you have to be good about following a regimen, but I finally got results.

It sounds like you have a great support system with your wife and family. So good to hear they are standing by you.

They say to pick the one thing that's bothering you the most and tackling that first. Baby steps.

I really hope you can begin to see some hope soon.

Marcia

[danh228 in reply to Mhthomas]

Marcia... thanks so much for the advice and response. The battling one thing at a time is great advice because it can get really overwhelming. I do have a wonderful support system but that is going away with my wife, she's had enough and I can't say I blame her. We might have plans and I get a break out on my face and that's it, I won't go and usually hideaway in my bedroom, sometimes for days. Guess I just prefer to be by myself even though I know I should be around people. My mom on the other hand is my rock. If it weren't for her, I probably wouldn't be here today typing you this response. I feel SO bad about everything she has to put up with me though. I try to not bother her with what's bothering me but she's the only one that will listen anymore. I fear it's come to a point where I'm going to end up losing my wife. She knew what she was getting into when she married me but it has gotten so much worse, especially since my accident. I'm surprised she's stuck around this long. I'm basically just doom and gloom and that's not what people want to be around. One day at a time I guess. Thanks again for the response, very kind of you. Hope you are doing well! Take care!

[Ddorne in reply to danh228]

Do you have a good therapist you can talk to? They can walk you through the baby steps you need to take. It's like exposure for OCD. You gradually face your fears with the help of a therapist. You gradually get used to things that scared you.

[danh228 in reply to Ddorne]

Sorry, I never saw this response. Thanks for it! I Don't currently have a therapist although I've had several in the past and it just didn't seem to help. Felt like they didn't really know how to help me. Now I feel that I'm not help able so going in with that mindset isn't going to be a recipe for sucess. I also can't afford to talk to one. My insurance is not good and I'm only allowed 4 covered visit at my co pay and then it's all out of pocket till I meet my deductible which is quite high. It's sad how the system works. There's help out there but so many, including myself just can't afford it.

Again, I do appreciate the repsonse and hope you are doing well. Take care!

[Ddorne in reply to danh228]

Even 4 visits at first would be good.Cognitive Behavioral therapy. Please don't give up. I have had OCD for 45 years and it can get better.

Liti

[danh228 in reply to Ddorne]

Your right, something is definitely better than nothing. I just would hate to get hope that it's helping only to find out I'm finished after 4 visits. I'm a mess so I know it will take way more than 4 visits. Thanks for the response and giving me hope that it can get better. Hope you are well! Take care!

[Mhthomas]

Hi Dan - do you do Instagram? If so, check out a group called Goats of Anarchy. These people spend all kinds of time, effort, love and money to rescue baby goats from becoming meat goats. They post pictures that will gladden your heart. Check it out!!

[danh228 in reply to Mhthomas]

Hi! I'm sorry I didn't see this response. I'm new to the site and am still figuring it out. I do appreciate the response and will check it out! Thanks! Hope all is well with you! Take care!

[Eng_OCD]

Hello Dan ,

I hope you are doing good with your wife and mother.

Its the same here with me , Ocd+Bdd

I've tried few therapist,but got some help in some "Ocd thingd" , but notging usefull for " Bdd" which is depress me the most ,its extended to affect me when there is strangers a round me even there is no mirror to check or avoid, i get confused highly stressed and only focusing at these people and if they looking at me or not,if i look good or not even my eyes get stressed and get" clowdy vision" , so dont feel you are a lone in this bro.

But after searches on the web , finally this week i got some thing maybe will help in "Bdd things" i'll send you the link here , till now its a bout 2 skills i'm still trying these skills ,it still get bad from time to time ,and i still beginner in these skills,But which bothering me the most that "half of times ,when i am front of mirror or some one i get uncertinity of what i should do right now" but it works in half times,i am writing now in the situation of "uncertinity" and trying to do the "meditation skill" ,i think that maybe the intention exercise is better at some situations,and meditation is better at other .

Best wishes

[Eng_OCD]

ocdaction.org.uk/resource/b...

This is the link for bdd self help , but please let me know what difference u get with that

Best wishes bro